♪♪♪ >> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND
UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>>> GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> AND I'M COLIN JOST.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> WELL, THURSDAY MARKED THE
ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THE START OF ROBERT MUELLER'S
INVESTIGATION WHICH IS THE FIRST ANNIVERSARY TRUMP ACTUALLY
REMEMBERED. JUST ASK HIS WIFE MELANIE.
[ LAUGHTER ] FOR THOSE OF US FOLLOWING THIS
INVESTIGATION IT'S BEEN AN EXHAUSTING YEAR.
IT ACTUALLY AGES A PERSON. HERE IS A PICTURE OF ME AND CHE
NOW. AND HERE'S A PICTURE OF US FROM
LAST YEAR. I THINK WITH THE RUSSIA
INVESTIGATION ULTIMATELY WHAT YOU THINK DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU
THINK OF TRUMP. IT'S SORT OF LIKE WHEN YOU HEAR
THIS -- >> YAN, YAN
. >> YANNY, YANNY.
>> SOME PEOPLE HEAR "YANNY" WHILE IDIOTS HEAR LAUREL.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND THAT'S HOW IT WAS WITH THE
RUSSIA INVESTIGATION. IF YOU LIKE TRUMP THIS IS WHAT
YOU HEAR. >> IT'S A WITCH HUNT.
THAT'S ALL IT IS. THERE WAS NO COLLUSION.
>> BUT IF YOU DON'T LIKE TRUMP THIS IS WHAT YOU HEAR.
>> I'M GETTING AWAY WITH IT, BITCHES.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> PRESIDENT TRUMP POSTED A
SARCASTIC MESSAGE ON THE ANNIVERSARY OF THE MUELLER PROBE
SAYING CONGRATULATIONS, AMERICA. WE ARE NOW IN THE SECOND YEAR OF
THE GREATEST WITCH HUNT IN AMERICAN HISTORY.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT? IT IS PRETTY GREAT.
PERSONALLY I LIKE HOW UNFAIR AND MEAN-SPIRITED IT IS.
IT'S NOT EVERY DAY A BLACK MAN CAN ROOT FOR THE FEDS BUT I'M
ENJOYING THIS. I FEEL LIKE I'M WATCHING RACHEL
DOLEZAD GET KICKED OUT OF A STARBUCKS.
I'M FOR THAT. >> RUDY GIULIANI CLAIMED HIS
LEGAL TEAM WAS TOLD OFF THE RECORD OF AN INFORMANT IN THE
TRUMP CAMPAIGN WHICH IS HILARIOUS BECAUSE HE'S LIKE A
RAPPER WHO SINGS ABOUT THE PEOPLE HE SHOT, GETS LOCKED UP
FOR IT AND SAYS, YO, SOMEBODY'S SNITCHING.
>> IT WAS REPORTED PRESIDENT TRUMP TALKED TO SEAN HANNITY
ALMOST EVERY NIGHT BEFORE BED. I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SAY
THIS, BUT POOR SEAN HANNITY. CAN YOU IMAGINE A WORSE VOICE TO
HEAR BEFORE YOU GO TO SLEEP? JUST HEAVY BREATHING MIXED WITH
THE CRINKLING OF CHEESEBURGER WRAPPERS.
AND WAS THAT A FLUSH? ALSO, SEAN HANNITY IS A
JOURNALIST. IMAGINE OBAMA WAS CALLING
ANDERSON COOPER EVERY NIGHT BEFORE HE WENT TO BED.
ANDERSON CAN. I JUST THINK HANNITY LOSES A LOT
OF INTEGRITY AS A JOURNALIST IF HE ENDS HIS NIGHT SAYING, NO,
MR. PRESIDENT, YOU HANG UP. >> NORTH KOREA ISSUED A
STATEMENT CONDEMNING NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR JOHN BOLTON
SAYING THEY DO NOT HIDE THEIR FEELINGS OF REPUGNANCE TOWARD
HIM WHICH I GET. LOOK AT HIM.
HE LOOKS LIKE HE STILL CALLS JAZZ JUNGLE MUSIC.
>> TRUMP PROMISED PROTECTION FOR KIM JONG-UN IF HE MAKES A DEAL
DURING THEIR MEETINGS BUT WARNED THAT IF TALKS FALL APART HE
WOULD DECIMATE THEM. YOU KNOW, REAL NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
STUFF. REMINDS ME OF
MARTIN LUTHER KING'S SPEECH, DREAM OR NIGHTMARE, TAKE YOUR
PICK. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> NEW FOOTAGE WAS RELEASED OF BILL GATES TALKING ABOUT A
MEETING WITH PRESIDENT TRUMP IN WHICH TRUMP ASKED HIM IF HPV AND
HIV WERE THE SAME THING. ADDING, AND WHICH IS THE ONE
THAT SHOWS "PROPERTY BROTHERS?" [ LAUGHTER ]
AND FOR REAL, TRUMP ASKED THIS OF BILL GATES ON TWO SEPARATE
OCCASIONS. SO YOU KNOW HOMEY GOT HPV.
>> HOMEY? >> JARED KUSHNER AND
IVANKA TRUMP ATTENDED THE RIBBON CUTTING CEREMONY OF THE NEW U.S.
EMBASSY IN JERUSALEM, OR AS THEY CALL A RIBBON CUTTING CEREMONY
IN ISRAEL, A BRIS.