(cell phone warbling)
- Ooh!
Hmm.
(suspenseful music)
I also love fixing wiring!
(cell phone warbling)
- Yes, yes, yes.
Ooh, a princess, definite yes!
- It's just, I feel like no one understands me like you do.
We have so much in common!
And I feel like there's a real connection between us,
like we were meant to be together.
Do you feel the same way?
- Oh, I'm sorry, Mega Man,
but I don't.
- Oh.
- It's not that I don't like hanging out with you,
but like, sure, we both have gun-arms,
but I'm wearing a suit,
and you're a literal robot-human hybrid,
who's, like, four feet tall.
- Right, yeah, I get you.
- So how long is this cruise supposed to be?
- Two hours.
- Oh, wow!
Wow.
(gentle music)
- So if you like the person and you wanna match with them,
you swipe right.
- How moronic!
Back in my day, we talked to each other, like real folks!
And then if you found someone attractive,
you taunted them mercilessly until they got the point!
- I'm sure you did.
Now if you don't wanna match with a person, you swipe left.
- Yahoo! Now we're talkin'!
Too fat.
Too skinny. - Cranky!
- Too ugly, too hot. - Cranky, no, stop.
- Yes, yes, yes,
a pink mushroom with pink mushroom pigtails?
Yes, yes.
- So, you're from Night City!
I've heard that can be kind of a rough area.
- Nothing I can't handle.
You gotta be a (stuttering).
- Maybe we should reschedule.
- Why?
♪ A dark force of destruction ♪
♪ Many times undone ♪
♪ Rises once again ♪
♪ Ganon, the calamity ♪
- This is the exact opposite of what I want!
I've been nice to you this whole date!
Are we gonna have sex or not?
(audience chatting)
- All right, ladies,
are you ready for the bachelor auction of a lifetime?
(audience cheering)
That's what I like to hear!
First up: He's tough, he's toned,
and he knows how to use a whip!
I'm not talking about Indiana Jones,
I'm talking about Earthworm Jim!
Next up: He's obedient, knows how to use his tongue,
and you can ride him all night long.
It's Yoshi!
And finally: he's cuddly, and at just under four feet,
he's the perfect height for this special talent.
Please welcome my favorite Pokemon: Lickitung!
(cheering stops)
(gags)
(audience cheering) (cash register dings)
(chuckles)
Every time.
- Yes, yes, yes.
What the?
(suspenseful music)
Hard yes!
- Thanks so much for meeting with me.
The last date I went on
was kind of sus. (blood splatters)
- Oh my gosh,
I hate dates with people who are kind of sus.
But to be honest,
if your interests don't include diverting power
to the shields, I already think
you're kinda sus. (blood splatters)
- Yes! I love diverting power to the shields.
It's one of my favorite hobbies!
I mean, either that, (blood splatters)
or scanning my card.
- Oh my gosh, I mean, who doesn't love scanning their card?
It's fun, it's easy, it's the best.
- You would be surprised.
Not everybody loves it like we do!
- Well, then, I think they're kinda sus too.
- [Both] You're looking kinda sus!
(blood splatters)
(playful music)