(powerful music)
- Good evening and welcome back to the apartment,
I'm your host Gus Johnson.
It was a dairy disaster.
Local news anchor Gus Johnson returned home
to his modest Los Angeles apartment
early this afternoon to discover that one of his
dumbass roommates had left the almond milk cap
partially unscrewed spilling contents all over the fridge.
For more on this now we go to our special correspondent
and potentially guilty anchor, Sandra Martinez, Sandra?
- Thank you Gus. Though this story is still developing,
sources close to me are saying that this is in
no way a result of my actions.
Signs point to probable involvement
from our very own Brian Fulton. Brian?
- Thank you, Sandra. Gus, they're calling
it the "bullshit of the century."
As many of our viewers know, I don't even drink almond milk.
Because as we all know, almond milk is for little bitches.
Plus I wasn't even home this afternoon,
as I was out whipping donuts with my cousin
in the parking lot of the local food mart.
- Thank you Brian, fascinating stuff.
Our viewers at home should know
that Brian Fulton is not only one of
the longest serving anchors here at the apartment,
but he is also a fucking liar.
- An excellent point, Gus.
And might I add that I am fairly certain
that Brian is not only responsible for
the local almond milk situation, but he may also be
the person, or persons, who has been using
all of the house toilet paper without replacing it.
- (laughing) Really great investigative work, Sandra.
I think I speak for all of us here in the apartment
when I say that you have a truly great talent
when it comes to stretching the truth.
You backwoods, baby back, bitch.
- Many thanks, Brian. But I've seen the aftermath
of your incessant tequila shits, so I hope
you'll excuse me when I say I know
a lying sack of shit when I see one. Gus?
- Right you are, Sandra.
Brian's tequila turmoil is just the latest event
in a long history of alcoholic adversity.
Toilet paper trouble and milk monstrosities aside,
I am also completely convinced that Brian Fulton
has been shaving his ballsack hair in my bathroom,
subsequently clogging up the sink with his peach fuzz pubes.
- We interrupt this broadcast for what
appears to be some breaking bullshit.
Local news anchor Gus Johnson has reportedly
been showering me with a myriad of stupid accusations.
Gus thinks he's so goddamn innocent.
But I would invite the viewers at home
to take a look at this graphic,
which details Gus's many shitty shortcomings.
It all started in the fifth grade,
when Gus pooped his pants not once, not twice,
but three times in gym class.
Sources say that fifth grade is far too old
to poop one's pants even once, and I agree.
Next up, Gus's relationship with his father.
It's a well known fact around the apartment
that Gus's dad completely despises him.
Many cite the reason for this as being
that Gus has never held down a steady job,
is terrible with women, and is considered by many
to be a lifelong disappointment.
And finally, I would be remiss
if I did not mention Gus's overwhelming BO.
A local apartment resident once described Gus's scent as
being putrid, musty, and borderline offensive.
Knowing these things about Gus, it's no wonder
he would resort to throwing his housemates
under the bus as a distraction from his miserable life.
Gus? Gus? Gus? Gus, can you hear me?
Well, I apologize to our viewers for
either experiencing technical difficulties or Gus
is just too much of a little bitch to stand up for himself.
(animated punch)