Alright, now, when I was a kid, Cub Scouts was a big deal.
And in Cub Scouts you do all sorts of stuff.
You race blocks of wood down a ramp,
you carve animals out of soap with a sweet pocket knife.
But most of all, you got to go to a Cub Scout camp.
Now, our Cub Scout camp was in this random plot of land
in the middle of the city, called Camp Miakonda.
Miakonda, of course, is an old Mohican proverb,
that translates to "Land Adjacent to a Kmart".
And my little 10-year-old ass couldn't even pronounce Camp Miakonda.
To me it was always Camp Anaconda.
Anaconda, of course, is an old English proverb,
that means "Shitty Jennifer Lopez Movie".
Now, at camp Anaconda our main goal was to earn merit badges.
And I have to say, it was pretty easy for us to earn these merit badges,
because our Cub Scout leader wasn't very good at his job.
He liked to half-ass a lot of things.
We'd be standing in the middle of the woods and he'd be like,
"Uh, you guys know fire is really hot, right?"
"Uh, yeah."
"Okay, good job, here's your fire safety badge!"
"You guys know when you get lost in the woods,
you're supposed to eat berries and fucking try to find your way out, right?"
"Uh, yeah, I guess."
"Perfect, here's your forest survival badge!"
But of all the badges that you could earn,
nothing was more important than your Arrow Of Light badge.
Because your Arrow Of Light badge proved
that you were no longer just a shitty little Cub Scout,
you were a full-blown Boy Scout.
You're a MAN NOW!
You're a fucking MAN SCOUT!
(Deep voice) "I am boy scout."
So on what would be my last trip to camp Anaconda,
our goal for that weekend was to finally earn our coveted arrow of light.
And on this particular trip my dad decided to chaperone.
Because, well,
it's hard for one person to manage a bunch of punk-ass kids in the woods.
I don't think he was excited for it,
"What, to babysit a bunch of shitheads in the middle of the woods?"
"Not really, no."
And I can't really blame him.
Now, in order to get your Arrow Of Light,
you had to meet certain expectations.
They're not just gonna give it to you,
it's the fucking Arrow Of Light for Christ's sake!
This ain't no Girl Scout bullshit,
where if you sell two cookies, they give you 19 fucking badges on your sachet.
No, it was a big deal!
But with our lame-ass Cub Scout leader, we just had to do the bare minimum.
"Uh, okay, it says here you guys got to know how to tie a square knot,
can you do that?"
"Uh, I can tie my shoes."
"Good enough for me! Next one here...
You have to memorize the Scout code."
A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous,
kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent.
"Jesus Christ, Timmy, that a bit overkill, don't you think?"
"God damn, I would've accepted 'be good' or 'not be an asshole' for Christ's sake."
Now, our final test for our Arrow Of Light happened inside of the cabin
that we were staying in on the last night of the trip.
"Alright, here's the deal,
you guys can get your little Arrows Of Light
as long as you keep this fire lit all night tonight,
and you don't burn down the cabin and murder everybody, okay?"
So naturally, we all decided to take 2-hour shifts watching the fire,
while the rest of us slept.
And because it was my brilliant-ass idea,
I got the first shift.
Now, staying up for fire duty was pretty easy for two reasons.
For one,
our Scout leader told us this really fucked up scary story right before bed,
and it traumatized the hell out of us.
"Hey you kids ever hear about the Manitoba mangler?"
"The Manitoba mangler?"
"Yeah, it's a story about a guy that murdered a bunch of children in the 1980s.
Yeah, he hacked them all up into the pieces with a dull chainsaw.
That was fucking wild!"
And for two, for those of you that don't know,
my dad likes to snore loud as hell.
And when I say loud as hell, I mean if he was taking a nap on the couch,
you could hear his ass from the outside.
(Snores)
There'd be people walking down the street and shit,
(Snoring from the inside)
"What the hell was that, a goddamn wildebeest?!"
Hell, he'd snore so loud, sometimes he'd wake his own ass up!
(Snores) "AH! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!
Is there a wildebeest in here?!"
So there I am on fire watch,
my dad is snoring, like he's possessed by the fucking devil.
(Devil-possessed snoring)
And this point the whole cabin's awake.
"Jesus Christ!
That man's septum is deviated as fuck!"
Some little kids outside the camp taking a piss,
wondering what the hell is going on.
(Devil-possessed snoring)
"What the hell is that, is somebody starting a chainsaw?
Is it the fucking Manitoba Mangler?!"
So needless to say, we didn't catch the goddamn cabin on fire,
because, well, nobody got to sleep that night except for my dad!
The next morning everybody's pissed off at him,
"Hey, the next time you want to help me out with a bunch of kids,
could you not snore like it's the fucking apocalypse?"
So, shout out to my dad's demonic-ass snoring,
because without that we wouldn't have got our little goddamn Arrows Of Light.
The end.
https://brewstew.com
Thanks for watching, everybody!
Real quick I wanted to shout out Alex Clark,
who did a cartoon on the same subject.
For those of you that don't know, he doesn't do baby shit anymore.
He says bad words now, like 'piss' and 'jabroni'.
You know, the worst of the worst.
So make sure you check out his cartoon!
https://patreon.com/brewstew