[MUSIC]
Have you found a difference between men and
women in how they exercise forgiveness?
>> I think that we like to do things on gender lines.
And in my experience,
it's much more personality styles than gender.
I think that, yeah, we have different styles and
I think we have different expectations.
And so sometimes people have expectations that they will
allow one gender, it's not men or women, one gender's
allowed to do something, another gender's not allowed to
do something, or they're just forgiven more easily.
Well, I understand that because you were working, you were this,
you were that, but I think it's much more about that.
If you say, in general and so
emotional conflicts are the ones that really generate feelings.
That includes someone's spouse.
There's a lot of emotion there,
there's usually a lot of conflict,
there's a lot of togetherness.
What happens is that in general,
we get socialized in different ways.
And a conflict I hear all the time in couple's therapy is,
I want him to talk more about feelings.
I want him to be able to anticipate what I need.
And someone else is saying,
I think I've shown you that I care, and
I've done these things to help you.
And I don't know why I have to talk about it, and
I can't read your mind.
You know, that's an over-generalization, but
it's an awfully common pattern.
And so, there's some gender things like that.
But I think with conflict, it's much more about who the two
people are and what they've brought to it.
>> Do some of us more easily forgive than others?
>> Oh, absolutely.
And that goes a long with your style.
So there are these unstable introverts that are tremendous
grudge holders.
That's what comes natural.
And the natural reaction of someone who has that personality
style is to hold a grudge.
The natural reaction of someone who's extroverted is to forgive
perhaps more easily, but then be quickly onto something else.
I mean, so that balance of can you maintain,
do you maintain emotions?
So they are the challenge,
if you're in a relationship with someone like that,
is to be frustrated that they're onto the next thing,
onto the next thing, onto the next thing.
>> Are many of us hybrids of introverts and extroverts?
>> Almost everyone is what we call an ambivert,
meaning, that they're a little this, they're a little that.
It's really when you're at the extremes,
either extremely introverted or
extremely extroverted, that you get into trouble.
So my emotion shifts so quickly that you can't keep up with me
is problematic in the same way that I can't let go of anything
negative and I hold on to it forever, that's problematic too.
So most of us happily are in the middle and
it's really the situation.
So we really get hung up about the things where it feels like
more of a betrayal, either because of what was done or
who did it, or that it's the fifth time they've done it.
Like we've been through this, and
I can't believe you've done it again.
Didn't you understand the first four times,
how upsetting that was?
>> How do we go through the process of forgiveness
after someone has died?
>> Well then, I think you still have the same process,
because the process can go on where you essentially say,
this is what happened.
I've come to terms with what happened, and
I'm gonna let go of the negative emotions.
I mean that you don't really need the other person to do.
Sometimes if you can have a conversation,
an understanding of their motivations, it facilitates it,
but you don't really need the other person for that.
And that's actually what happens when someone's had something
horrible happen, say, childhood abuse.
Something that's really in many ways unforgivable.
They're working to say, I'm now coming to appreciate
my understanding of this, and what I'm gonna work on is not
having all these negative emotions surrounding it.
So I think that's what happens.
And sometimes, there are other things that people have done, or
they feel like something less dramatic,
where you could imagine reconciling, but
you just have to say, well, I wanna think differently.
With grief, we have this intense negative
period where we're just sad and lost.
What you hope is to get to the point is that you can
think about the person with kindness and fondness,
and think about the times that were better.
And so I think in that instance,
your goal would be to say, this happened, I've gotten past it.
So now I'm gonna put my energy when I think of that person I'm
thinking about some of the really positive experiences we
had together or the things we enjoyed together.
No one has all these strong emotions for
people they barely know.
They're for the people that are important to them, so
there's plenty of other things to be included in memories
if you're able to achieve forgiveness.
>> Why is it important to practice forgiveness?
>> Certainly, the healthiest thing is to forgive.
I mean, there are all these studies now that
are demonstrating that.
That you're gonna have lower blood pressure, and
better blood flow, and all of these different things.
So it's healthier to forgive.
I think that it would be better if people could view forgiveness
as something they're doing for themselves.
Again, it's not absolution.
I think they get hung up on saying, if I forgive you somehow
I've forgotten or you're not in trouble, or something else.
Forgiveness is something different, which is saying,
I am not going to have these negative emotions consume me.
That's how I view it.
And so forgiveness isn't really about as much of the other
person as it is your own process of saying I'm moving forward.