Hi, Internet. My name is Tamera Chambers, and this is Tamara's Never Seen!
Today, I am watching Demolition Man.
Demolition Man was one of my favorite reviews to be a part of for Nostalgia Critic.
So I'm...I'm pretty excited to watch the film that I had so much fun, you know, making fun of.
Okay, on Twitter, I said give me those Demolition Man predictions for the next 20 minutes.
Also, here's a skateboarding cat in deep thought. Thanks!
It's really cute. It's a really cute cat.
So here we go! We're gonna watch Demolition Man! Let's do it!
Yeah, that had the same kind of cheesy fun that Judge Dredd had,
but honestly, Sylvester Stallone was so much better in this.
Like, way better, way more likeable.
The story was hilarious. It's always funny to see how the future is portrayed,
especially like from, you know, 20 years ago.
I love one of Stallone's first lines, "Send a maniac to catch one."
I identify with that.
I'm coming for you, Ike!
So in the beginning of the movie, you see that Wesley Snipes is the bad guy
and Sylvester Stallone is the good cop
and Wesley Snipes frames Sylvester Stallone,
but, Wesley snipes is wearing Bill pants the whole time.
Bill was first! Been there since the beginning, y'all.
Sylvester Stallone is sentenced to 70 years
in kai-ro... kr... kai-ro-gen-ic...
Is that... Is that the word? Kairogenic prison? [laughs] Where they freeze you?
That's just some Fallout 4 shit, y'all!
Stallone is placed in this... cryogenic gel.
In a very... arousing scene? [laughs] Strangely enough.
I can't believe that that is like a sentencing!
Like, I want to be placed in that gel and awoken in 70 years.
The future is going to be awesome!
They're gonna have a cure for diabetes.
Cats are going to be able to talk.
Fallout 5 will finally be out.
I ranked those in order, by the way.
So, flash forward, you see the future, 2032,
and it's hilarious and awesome.
You see Sandra Bullock, who is a treasure, and you see...
Mother
[Censored]
Rob Schneider
[Censored]
Thankfully Rob Schneider is not in this movie very much.
He's like the "receptionist" at the police station, and he's got two or three or four lines, not many,
and he didn't get on my nerves like I thought that he would.
Also he didn't do any weird mouth opening thing, so that's.... crushing it.
Sandra's character is, she's a young cop and she's longing for action in his peaceful world.
She's got a Lethal Weapon 3 poster on her wall from "the past."
She's got skinny nineties eyebrows, and I love her.
And no I've not seen Lethal Weapon 3.
Or 2
[quietly] Or 1.
[whip]
Wesley Snipes' character, Phoenix, is defrosted, comes out,
and kills a bunch of people, and they haven't had a murder in like 23 years.
Honestly Rob Schneider had a great line here.
"We're police officers. We aren't trained to handle violence like this!"
So, they decide the only person that can take out Phoenix is Sylvester Stallone's character,
so they unfreeze Demolition Man.
I love his wake up scene!
He finds out that, like, caffeine and alcohol and meat is illegal,
and I take back what I said about wanting to be frozen and sent to the future.
Can't do it. No, thank you. I refuse that life.
And then I wrote, "Oh my God, the three seashells!" [laughs]
What the hell?
I'm gonna give you my ideas on what I think the three seashells is, and means.
Okay, now. I am.
Okay. first idea. You know those really tacky souvenir soaps that you get
when you visit a beach town that are shaped like seashells?
Maybe they're just little soaps and you just, like, delicately caress your bottom with them.
Alright first idea is done. Dope. Great. Come at me.
Second idea. Maybe,
since it's the future and so many things are different, maybe seashells are different now, too.
Maybe they're like sea sponges in the shapes of shells.
So maybe they're just cute little sponges that you delicately caress your bottom with.
Again. Done. Nailed it. Boom.
All right, number three.
Um...
Ah...
Hmm...
Maybe there's a live animal in the seashell, like a little clam or an oyster,
and he just, like, spits water at you,
and delicately spits water on your bottom after you go to the bathroom.
Boom!
Crushing it!
Sandra has this incredible line about the way that Stallone interacted with somebody and it's so funny.
She said, "If you read my study you'd know this is how insecure hetero males used to bond."
Oh, shots fired!
I love the bad word violations that go off every few seconds when Sylvester Stallone says a bad word.
"Verbal morality." [beep] that.
Also, the Commercials Oldies radio station is hilarious, but the more funny part of that, I think,
is that radio still exists in 2032.
So Sylvester and Sandra go to a museum, which is the only place that they have guns anymore.
Well a museum in this COUCH!
[drum beat] Damn! Oh Shit!
[drums stop] And they're looking for Phoenix.
In this portion of the movie there were just a lot of funny things with the future.
The pope looking guy invites them to Taco Bell for saving him.
I wonder if they have the Doritos Locos taco, because if not, again, not a future I want to be a part of.
But it's revealed that Taco Bell is the only restaurant left.
There's like, valet parking, and there's champagne, a piano player...
Changed my mind again, I want to be in his future.
Sandra reveals that Schwarzenegger had been president in the past and
Sylvester Stallone is, like, pissed, and it's so funny and somehow very topical,
and that is all I will say on that matter.
So, on the way home from their delightful Taco Bell dinner,
Stallone and Sandra are talking about his daughter, who is still alive, and he's worried about seeing her again.
And I, I really wish that they went with the storyline that
Sandra was his daughter, and and that she wasn't going to be, like, his love interest.
I'm only halfway through the film at this point, but I was pretty sure that's where that was going.
And then the sex scene happens, which is so weird, so funny!
Surprisingly a tasteful sex scene.
"Fluid transfer" is outlawed, and that makes sense. If people called sex "fluid transfer",
I'd want it to be outlawed as well.
This is where you find out that the pope looking guy needs Wesley Snipes, Phoenix, to take out the leader of the Scraps.
[to the tune of "Leader of the Pack"] "The leader of the Scraps!"
Stallone decides to just take matters into his own hands,
and he goes down to address the Scraps and to find Phoenix,
and he ends up having a rat burger and a beer, and it's really funny.
Then after that It's just a giant action sequence.
Wesley Snipes, Phoenix, goes and kills the pope looking guy.
Sandra Bullock! Good god above!
She beats up all these people, she kills someone, she totally proves that she's an awesome fighter,
and then, before they go in,
to take on
Phoenix,
Sylvester Stallone, like,
shocks her and and and she passes out because he's like "I did that for your own good."
[imitates Stallone] "The Law!"
"I know you just proved yourself, you're a good fighter and that you'll do whatever to keep ourselves safe
"but, you know, I gotta do this on my own, 'cause I'm a good, like, macho dude, bleh."
Stallone takes out Phoenix, and everyone is saved and it was a really cool fight, really great way to take him out.
I loved the end, with the freezing.
But again, at the end,
Sandra's like, "So I thought we were a team, bra."
He's like "Yeah, we were. Was for your own good."
She's like, "I don't think that's... that's not really... nah. I don't agree."
And then he like, twirls her around and kisses her. It's like, "Oh cool."
Solves everything. [whispers] No, it does't. [normal] It didn't bother me a ton, but it was just like,
Why was that? Why did it have to go that way?
But, I did love this movie.
I predict that the predictions will be full of three seashells things.
"You'll want a prequel movie that chronicles The Franchise Wars in all their gory details."
Yes! How did Taco Bell win? Weren't all of their soldiers sick all the time?
'Cause all they ate was Taco Bell?
"You will find it weird they predicted it right, that Arnold Schwarzenegger would go into politics."
Yes! "Also three seashells. What the fuck?" [laughs]
Yeah, seems like a lot of you really wanted to know about the three seashells. [laughs]
Same. Same.
"When you see the big guy from Beetlejuice, all you can picture is him reading from the Book of the Recently Deceased."
I get that reference now!
Bing!
"Stallone clearly wins the... "penis game." [laughs]
Yes, I finally get that reference that Doug and Rob make at the studio all the time!
"Penis!"
"I don't care about Demolition Man, but cat!"
I had such a good time with this movie. I thought Wesley Snipes was
awesome!
Stallone was so much [beep] better in this than in...
Judge Dredd.
Sandra Bullock, a treasure. Cherish her. Protect her at all costs.
Next week. I might watch an Edgar Wright film.
'Cause I loved Baby Driver so much and I'm still on that hype train from that.
Look out on my Twitter for more predictions and I'll probably be putting up a poll sometime this week
about what my next movie should be.
Thank you so much for watching. I'll see you guys next week. Bye!
What the [beep]?
[music]