WELCOME, EVERYBODY, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND I HAVE GOT--
FOLKS, I'M GOING TO SHOOT YOU STRAIGHT.
I'VE GOT GOOD NEWS, AND I'VE GOT BAD NEWS.
THE BAD NEWS IS I LIED ABOUT THE GOOD NEWS.
AND BOTH BADS COMBINE TO BE THE WORST NEWS: BILL COSBY HAS BEEN
RELEASED FROM PRISON AFTER HIS SEXUAL ASSAULT CONVICTION WAS
OVERTURNED.
( AUDIENCE BOOING )
OR TO PUT THAT ANOTHER WAY, ME TOO.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, NO IDEA.
GOT NO IDEA WHAT'S NEXT FOR COSBY.
BUT MY GUESS IS HE'S GOING TO JOIN BILL O'REILLY AND THE
FORMER PRESIDENT ON TOUR.
NOW, I WANT TO BE CLEAR, THIS ISN'T AN EXONERATION,
COSBY IS GETTING OFF ON A TECHNICALITY.
THE RULING STEMS FROM A 2005 AGREEMENT COSBY STRUCK WITH
THEN-PROSECUTOR, BRUCE CASTOR, WHO DECLINED TO PROSECUTE COSBY
IN EXCHANGE FOR HIS TESTIMONY DURING A CIVIL TRIAL.
NOW IF THE NAME BRUCE CASTOR RINGS A BELL IT'S BECAUSE HE'S
THE SAME PARAGON OF LEGAL ETHICS WHO WENT ON TO REPRESENT
THE FORMER PRESIDENT DURING HIS SECOND SENATE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL.
( AUDIENCE BOOING ) HIS BUSINESS CARDS JUST SAYS,
"BRUCE CASTOR-- ACTUAL DEVIL'S ADVOCATE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HOT AS HELL, SO AT LEAST COSBY HAS A PREVIEW OF THE AFTERLIFE.
HERE IN NEW YORK CITY, REAL-FEEL TEMPERATURES HIT 105
DEGREES.
IT'S SO HOT, THE STATUE OF LIBERTY DROPPED THE TOGA.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS!
>> Stephen: THINGS ARE EVEN HOT IN ALASKA.
YESTERDAY, TEMPERATURES CLIMBED TO AS HIGH AS 92 DEGREES, WHICH
MEANS THIS YEAR, THE SALMON THE GRIZZLIES ARE CATCHING IS FULLY
COOKED.
( LAUGHTER )
EVIDENTLY.
IT WAS SO HOT YESTERDAY THAT ALASKA HAD AN ICE QUAKE.
THAT'S RIGHT, GLOBAL WARMING HAS GOTTEN SO BAD THAT WE HAVE TO
LEARN ALL NEW DISASTERS.
NOW WE'VE GOT ICE QUAKES, SAND RAIN, THUNDERNAMIS, LEAF HERPES,
( LAUGHTER )
THESE HIGH TEMPERATURES AND SEVERE DROUGHT CAN CAUSE
WILDFIRES, SO CITIES ACROSS THE U.S. WEST ARE BANNING FOURTH
OF JULY FIREWORKS.
SO, PLEASE, IF YOU'RE IN THOSE STATES, PLEASE CELEBRATE THE
FOURTH RESPONSIBLY: JUST USE WATER BALLOONS TO BLOW OFF YOUR
FINGERS.
PRESIDENT BIDEN IS ALSO TRYING TO TACKLE THE PROBLEM.
TODAY HE MET WITH GOVERNORS FROM WESTERN STATES, AND HE ANNOUNCED
SOME NEW TOOLS TO PREVENT WILDFIRES:
>> NOAA HAS SATELLITE TECHNOLOGY THAT IS ABLE TO SEE FROM SPACE
WHEN NEW FIRES START.
THE DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY HAS A SENSOR RAY COMPUTER ANALYSIS
CAPABILITY THAT CAN DETECT IN REALTIME THE LIGHTNING STRIKES
THAT MIGHT SET OFF A BLAZE.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE LIGHTNING SENSOR RAYS?
THAT'S AWESOME!
DO WE, BY ANY CHANCE, HAVE ANYTHING THAT CAN STOP CLIMATE
CHANGE?
BECAUSE I SWITCHED TO PAPER STRAWS A YEAR AGO, AND I DON'T
THINK THEY'RE WORKING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THEY COLLAPSE.
IT'S THE LAST DAY OF JUNE 2021, SO, NATURALLY, EVERYONE'S
FOCUSED ON THE 2024 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.
( LAUGHTER )
IN THE FIRST INSTALLMENT OF MY NEW SEGMENT:
>> THE ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE?
NO!
THE LAST ELECTION JUST ENDED, AND IT NEARLY BROKE ME!
I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!
>> Stephen: FIRST UP--
FIRST UP, AS ALWAYS, IOWA.
YESTERDAY, THE HAWKEYE STATE GOT AN EXPLORATORY VISIT FROM
ARKANSAS SENATOR AND BUSINESS GIRAFFE, TOM COTTON.
COTTON WAS THERE TO GIVE A STUMP SPEECH.
HE SAID A BUNCH OF STUFF, PROBABLY, BUT NO ONE'S TALKING
ABOUT THAT.
INSTEAD, EVERYONE'S FOCUSED ON SOMETHING HE DID WITH IOWA
SENATOR AND MAN SEEING A STRANGER SITTING ON HIS
BIRD-FEEDING BENCH, CHUCK GRASSLEY.
GRASSLEY, WHO IS 87 YEARS YOUNG-- BY WHICH I MEAN OLD--
JOINED COTTON ONSTAGE AT THE END OF THE SPEECH, AND THIS
HAPPENED: >> ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE,
SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT.
>> Stephen: WELL, NOW WE KNOW WHY THE REPUBLICANS OPPOSE GUN
CONTROL.
BANG.
BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG!
IN THERE SOMEPLACE I GOT DO HAND IT TO CHUCK GRASSLEY.
HE IS GEOFF, AND HE IS DOING A PRETTY GOOD JOB THERE.
I CAN'T SAY THE SAME FOR TOM COTTON.
LOOK AT THAT FORM!
GET YOUR HEAD UP!
TOUCHING THE GROUND WITH YOUR HAIR DOESN'T COUNT.
TO BE FAIR, IT'S HARD TO KEEP YOUR BACK STRAIGHT WHEN YOU
DON'T HAVE A SPINE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: YOU GOTTA GET IT, GET IT!
>> Stephen: BUT WHEN IT COMES TO NEWS-MAKING SUNSHINE TO RAISE
YOUR PRESIDENTIAL PROFILE, COTTON WAS
OVERSHADOWED BY SOUTH DAKOTA GOVERNOR AND BEAUTY PAGEANT
MOM CALLING YOUR TODDLER FAT, KRISTI NOEM.
YESTERDAY, NOEM ANNOUNCED SHE WAS SENDING NATIONAL GUARD
TROOPS TO THE SOUTHERN BORDER.
GOOD.
OH, GOOD FOR TOO LONG, IMMIGRANTS HAVE
BEEN SNEAKING IN FROM NEBRASKA!
WHAT'S THAT?
I'M BEING TOLD SHE SENT THEM TO THE MEXICAN BORDER.
THE GOVERNOR OF SOUTH DAKOTA CAN DO THAT?
IS THAT REALLY WHAT THE FOUNDERS INTENDED?
SHE SHOULD ASK THEM.
THEY'RE FROM SOUTH DAKOTA, TOO.
>> HELL, NO!
>> COME ON!
>> KRISTI NOEM'S DUMB AS A ROCK!
>> Stephen: BUT THE STRANGEST AND MOST UNCONSTITUTIONAL PART
OF THIS STORY IS THAT NOEM IS PAYING FOR THE DEPLOYMENT WITH
A PRIVATE DONATION.
FOR THE MONEY, THE DONOR GOT A PRIVATE ARMY AND A "THIS
AMERICAN JUNTA" TOTE BAG.
THE PRIVATE DONATION CAME FROM TENNESSEE JUNKYARD BILLIONAIRE
AND GUY WHO'S LATE FOR A MEETING, EVEN THOUGH HIS
BEER GUT WAS EARLY, WILLIS JOHNSON.
JOHNSON IS REPORTEDLY PAYING AN UNDISCLOSED SUM THROUGH HIS
PRIVATE FOUNDATION TO SEND MORE THAN FOUR DOZEN MEMBERS OF SOUTH
DAKOTA'S NATIONAL GUARD TO THE SOUTHERN BORDER.
FOUR DOZEN?
ALSO KNOWN AS THE POPULATION OF SOUTH DAKOTA.
( LAUGHTER )
IT'S A BEAUTIFULIDATE.
BAUTIFUL STATE.
YOU'VE GOT THE BADLANDS, OTHERS.
IT'SGNOT JUST COTTON AND NOEM.
LOTS OF REPUBLICANS ARE ALREADY JOCKEYING FOR THE 2024
PRESIDENTIAL NOMINATION.
TO NAME A FEW, SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR TIM SCOTT, FLORIDA
SENATOR RICK SCOTT, AND FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE MIKE
POMPEO.
( AUDIENCE BOOING ) OKAY.
THEN YOU MIGHT ENJOY THESE NEXT JOKES.
IN FACT, POMPEO HAS ALREADY FORMED HIS VERY OWN POLITICAL
ACTION COMMITTEE: CHAMPION AMERICAN VALUES PAC, OR
CAV-PAC.
CAV-PAC IS A FAIRLY AWKWARD NAME, BUT NOT AS BAD AS WHAT
HE'S CALLING HIS FANS AND DONORS: "THE PIPE HITTERS."
( LAUGHTER )
SHOULD BE PRESIDENT, YOU ARE DEFINITELY HITTING THE PIPE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW--
♪ ♪ ♪ NOW, APPARENTLY, IN THIS REGARD,
"PIPE HITTER" IS A MILITARY TERM FOR PEOPLE IN SPECIAL OPS, BUT
SOME FOLKS ON THE FAMOUSLY HORNY INTERNET HAD A DIFFERENT
UNDERSTANDING OF PIPE HITTER-- A SEXY UNDERSTANDING.
SO POMPEO SET THEM STRAIGHT BY TWEETING OUT AUDIO FROM THIS
SPEECH: >> BEST C.I.A. OFFICER THAT I
EVER CAME TO KNOW.
I'D ASKED HIM ABOUT SOMEONE WHO WAS WORKING ON OUR TEAM, AND I'D
SAY, "WHAT DO YOU THINK OF HIM?" OR, "WHAT DO YOU THINK OF HER?"
AND HE'D SAY, "LOVE THAT GUY, PIPE HITTER."
HE MEANT THAT PERSON GOT STUFF DONE.
THEY WERE A GRINDER.
THEY KEPT BANGING AWAY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: SURE.
NOT SEXUAL AT ALL-- JUST A GRINDER WHO KEEPS BANGING AWAY.
"WHEN I SAY 'PIPE HITTER,' I'M TALKING ABOUT SOMEONE WHO'S NOT
AFRAID TO ROLL UP HIS SLEEVES AND REALLY REACH AROUND, YOU
KNOW, GET HIS OR HER HANDS DIRTY.
GIVE THEM ANY HAND JOB, THEY'LL DO IT!
JUST PULLING TOGETHER UNTIL EVERYONE'S FINISHED!"
BUT
( APPLAUSE )
NO, NOT WORTH IT.
BUT IF YOU HIT PIPE, POMPEO WANTS TO SEE IT.
ON HIS WEBSITE, IT ENCOURAGES DONORS TO JOIN HIM AS A PIPE
HITTER BY WRITING OR SENDING A VIDEO TO MIKE, WITH A HANDY
PLACE TO RECORD YOUR PIPE HITTING IN ACTION.
NOW, CLEARLY, IT IS OUR DUTY TO SUPPORT THIS MISSION.
EVERYONE OUT THERE, PLEASE, SEND MIKE POMPEO A VIDEO OF YOU
HITTING PIPE-- WHATEVER THAT MEANS TO YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
CONTROVERSY INVOLVING FRIEND OF THE SHOW, CNN ANCHOR AND
CONFUSED PORK CHOP, CHRIS CUOMO.
CUOMO RECENTLY RETWEETED SOME VIEWERS WHO HAD PRAISED HIS
WORK ON AIR, WHICH INSPIRED A TWITTER CRITIC TO POST, "YOU'RE
GONNA BREAK YOUR ARM, LET'S SAY, TO PUT IT IN CNN TERMS, GOING
360 ON YOUR OWN SITUATION ROOM."
( LAUGHTER )
RUDE IMPLICATION AND, OBVIOUSLY, THE SMART THING TO DO IS JUST
IGNORE THE TROLLS.
SO CUOMO RETWEETED THE ACCUSATION OF SELF-PLEASURING
WITH THIS PHOTO OF HIS BICEP AND THE CAPTION, "THAT HOW THIS
HAPPENED?!
HAHAHAHA."
OH, MY GOD, CHRIS!
I KNOW YOU'RE PROUD OF YOUR BODY, EVEN THOUGH I BEAT
YOU IN A PUSHUP CONTEST.
BUT I'M NOT SURE YOU WANT TO IMPLY THAT THAT'S HOW YOU GOT
THOSE MUSCLES.
( LAUGHTER )
HAVE TO REALLY LIMBER UP BEFORE LEG DAY.
YOU SHOULD SEND MIKE POMPEO A VIDEO!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE HARVEY KEITEL AND COMEDIAN RANDALL OTIS.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
JOIN US.
♪ ♪ ♪