BUT FIRST, LAST WEEK GREAT BRITIAN HELD PARLIAMENTARY
ELECTIONS, IT TURNS OUT THIS LADY, THIS LADY SHE DOESN'T
RUN THE PLACE. SHE'S JUST WATCHING THEIR DOGS.
SHE'S CORGI SITTING FOR BRITAIN.
THAT'S ALL SHE'S DOING.
WELL, I'M SURE HER PAY IS COMMENSURATE WITH HER TASKS.
ANYWAY ON THURSDAY BRITISH VOTERS CHOSE THEIR NEXT PRIME
MINISTER, CONSERVATIVE AND CURRENT PRIME MINISTER DAVID
CAMERON AN OXFORD EDUCATED 48-YEAR-OLD, THUMPED LABOR'S
ED MILIBAND, AN OXFORD EDUCATED 45-YEAR-OLD, BECAUSE HE
CAN'T MAKE UP THOSE THREE YEARS.
THIS BEING A NATIONAL ELECTION THE UK MEDIA WAS PULLING OUT ALL
THE STOPS, THEY HAD THEIR CREEPY MADAME TUSSAUD VOTE
TALLY HOLOGRAMS, THEY HAD AN UNREALISTICALLY POLITE
VIRTUAL PARLIAMENT THAT DOUBLED AS THE WORST SIM'S
EXPANSION PACK EVER AND THEY HAD AN OPINION ROOM WHERE EACH
PUNDIT APPEARED TO HAVE MISSED THEIR FLIGHT WHILE
ONE GUY BIDES HIS TIME WITH SUDOKU, HE IS JUST BORED OUT OF
HIS MIND.
I JUST REALIZED, THE HOLOGRAMS, THE VIRTUAL SETS, THE BRITISH
MEDIA HAS CONTRACTED A DEVASTATING CASE OF
CNNITIS.
IT'S WHEN A NEWS ORGANIZATION SPENDS A GREAT DEAL OF TIME
CREATING VISUALS AND SET PIECES WHICH SERVE NO DISCERNIBLE
PURPOSE AND SHED NO PERCEPTIBLE LIGHT AND ACTUALLY
DISTRACT YOU FROM WHAT IT WAS THEY WERE TRYING TO FIND OUT.
BUT YOU KNOW SOMETHING, NO ONE CAN ACTUALLY CHALLENGE
THE MASTER.
>> GOOD MORNING FROM THE TOP OF A BIG RED BUS THAT IS NOW
MAKING ITS WAY ACROSS WESTMINSTER BRIDGE, ALISYN.
>> SO RICHARD, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN NOW FOR THAT REFERENDUM
FOR BRITAIN LEAVING THE EU?
>> ALISYN, I CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT.
HAVE A LOOK AT THAT, AS A MILLION DOLLAR SHOT, LOOK AT
THAT, RIGHT UP THE RIVER THAMES, THE LONDON EYE.
>> Jon: CAMEROTA ASKED YOU A REAL QUESTION, YOU POINTED TO A
[BLEEP] FERRIS WHEEL.
THAT IS WHAT A SIX-YEAR-OLD DOES.
I SEE A WHEEL, IT IS NICE, IT SPINS AROUND.
WELL, BRITAIN'S MEDIA COULDN'T MATCH US WITH WIDE
EYED NONSENSE THEY DID COMPARE WITH US IN ONE
ARENA.
>> THE POLLS WERE COMPLETELY WRONG.
ALL THE ADVANCED POLLS WERE VERY WRONG.
THE REAL SHOT CAME AT 10 P.M. LONDON TIME WHEN THE
EXIT POLL WAS ANNOUNCED.
>> Jon: ISN'T THAT WHY WE HAVE ELECTIONS?
TO TEST THE STRENGTH AND COMPETENCE OF OUR POLLS?
THE REAL WINNER TONIGHT WAS OUR POLLING SAFEGUARD
SYSTEM.
THE ELECTION.
SO DESPITE ALL PREDICTIONS, CAMERON'S CONSERVATIVE SWEPT
TO AN OUTRIGHT MAJORITY.
THEIR MESSAGE MUST HAVE REALLY CLICKED WITH VOTERS.
>> THE CONSERVATIVES CAN ACTUALLY GOVERN THE WAY THEY
WANT TO.
>> GET RID OF THE DEFICIT.
>> AUSTERITY MEASURES REALLY HITTING THOSE LOWER ON THE
ECONOMIC SCALE.
>> VERY LARGE CUTS TO THE WELFARE STATE.
>> REPEAL TONY BLAIR'S BAN ON HUNTING WITH DOGS.
>> Jon: WHAT A POPULAR MESSAGE, A HEADY MIX OF
GRINDING AUSTERITY AND THE KILLING OF SMALL FURY
ANIMALS.
I ALMOST HATE TO SAY THIS BUT LEAVE FOX ALONE.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) FOX NEVER HURT ANYBODY.
(LAUGHTER) ANYWAY THOSE POLICIES SOUND
LIKE STUFF BRITISH PEOPLE WOULD HATE.
HOW DOES LABOUR NOT WALK AWAY WITH THIS ELECTION?
>> ED MILIBAND HAD PRETTY DISMAL RATINGS WHEN IT CAME
TO LEADERSHIP.
THE VOTERS DIDN'T REALLY SEE HIM AS PRIME MINISTERIAL.
>> 40% THOUGHT YOU WERE WEIRD.
>> THEY SEE YOU AS --
>> WHAT DID YOU SAY?
PEOPLE I THINK THOUGHT --
>> THAT LADY IN THE BACK, IS THAT A MAN, OH RIGHT, SORRY
ABOUT THAT, AND YOU'VE GOT A BEARD SO YOU'RE CLEARLY A MAN,
YEAH.
>> Jon: WHAT!
SO THE LABOUR LEADER APPEARS TO BE THE LOVE CHILD OF JOE
BIDEN AND DAVID BRENT -- SO WHAT?
STILL, THE ELECTION WAS MILIBAND'S TO LOSE.
I MEAN UNLESS THERE WAS SOME UNUNFORTUNATE
IMAGE CRYSTALLIZING INCIDENT.
>> AND IN THAT LABOUR CAMPAIGN SYMBOLIZED BY
MILIBAND BREAKING ONE OF THE BASIC RULES OF POLITICS,
DON'T EAT A BACON SANDWICH IN FRONT OF THE CAMERAS.
THE TORY SUPPORTING PRESS JUMPED ON THE IMAGE,
MILIBAND WAS NOT JUST A FREE-SPENDING LABOURITE, HE
JUST DIDN'T LOOK LIKE A PRIME MINISTER.
>> Jon: THAT'S IT?
HE ATE A BACON SANDWICH.
IN OUR COUNTRY YOU ARE NOT EVEN CONSIDERED A VIABLE
PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE UNTIL YOU HAVE BEEN
PHOTOGRAPHED DEEP THROATING AS MUCH OF A PIG AS WILL NOT
COMPLETELY BLOCK YOUR LARYNX.
IF THE BRITISH PRESS WENT ALL IN ON ED'S LUNCH, I CAN'T EVEN
IMAGINE WHAT THEIR VERSION OF THE DAILY SHOW MUST HAVE
DONE.
>> HEY!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) HEY, LOOK AT THIS GUY.
LOOK AT THIS [BLEEP], [BLEEP], ED MILIBAND.
(LAUGHTER) WHAT ARE YOU DOING SHOVING A
BACON BUTTY IN YOUR GOB WITH YOUR HANDS LIKE SOME
KIND OF UTENSIL-LESS GUTTERSNIPE, YOU EVER HEARD
OF SILVERWARE? YOU NEVER READ YOUR DEBRETT'S GUIDE TO
ETIQUETTE WITH MODERN [BLEEP] MANNERS?
WHAT'S THIS, MY FRIEND? THIS IS BOLLOCKS, YOU BELLOW STAIRS
TOSS POT, IF YOU ARE FEELING PECKISH, YOU POP THAT SANDWICH
ON A [BLEEP] PLATE, YOU GET A KNIFE AND FORK
YOU UPPITY PIECE OF [BLEEP]! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Jon: THAT WAS WEIRD.
WOW, THEIR DAILY SHOW HOST IS ALMOST THE OPPOSITE
OF OURS WHERE I WOULD NORMALLY BE UPSET WITH
SOMEONE EATING WITH A KNIFE AND FORK AND YET THEIR DAILY
SHOW HOST, AN YET WE BOTH TALK WITH THE SAME ACCENT.
THE ELECTION HAS LEFT THE UK MORE STARKLY DIVIDED THAN EVER.
THE LEFT-LEANING SCOTTISH NATIONALISTS SWEPT THE NORTH,
CONSERVATIVES DOMINATE THE SOUTH, AND THEY AGREE ON
ALMOST NOTHING, WELL ALMOST NOTHING.
>> THE SCOTTISH NATIONAL PARTY IS THE VERY SAME PARTY
THAT WAS PUSHING FOR A BREAKUP OF THE UNITED
KINGDOM AND FOR SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE.
>> DAVID CAMERON'S PROMISE THAT THERE WOULD BE A
REFERENDUM WHERE BRITAIN WOULD GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO
VOTE TO LEAVE THE EUROPEAN UNION.
>> SO YOU COULD HAVE BRITAIN LEAVING THE EUROPEAN UNION,
SCOTLAND LEAVING THE UNITED KINGDOM.
>> Jon: SLYTHERIN LEAVING HOGWARTS.
DOWNSTAIRS LEAVING UPSTAIRS, DOWNTON LEAVING ABBEY.
DOCTOR LEAVING WHO, EVERYONE IN BRITAIN IS PRO SECESSION,
THEY JUST CAN'T AGREE ON WHAT TO SECEDE FROM.
LET'S JUST DO IT, YOU KNOW WHAT, LET'S JUST --
ENGLISH DITCHES EUROPE.
SCOTLAND DIVORCES ENGLAND.
WALES AND IRELAND SPLIT OFF AND FRAGMENT, NORTHUMBRIA
AND EAST ANGLIA SECEDE.
THE ANCIENT KINGDOMS OF MERCIA AND SUSSEX REASSERT THEIR
RIGHTS, OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE GO TO WAR.
LONDINIUM SEIZES THE BANKS, THAT WEIRD STONEHENGE THING
COMES TO LIFE AND THE DRUIDS START THEIR OWN THING,
TATTOO TRIBAL WAR LORDS CLASH IN PETTY SQUABBLES, UNTIL THE
ONCE AND FUTURE KING ARTHUR PULLS EXCALIBUR FROM
THE STONE AND ONCE AGAIN UNITES ALL BRITAINS AGAINST
THE SAXON HORDE BUT BY THEN IT'S TIME FOR THE NEXT WORLD
CUP AND NO ONE GIVES A [BLEEP] ABOUT POLITICS