Hello
Can I help you?
Are you the doctor?
Doctor? Yes. I.. I am a doctor. Yes.
Would you like to come over and sit down here?
Tell me what your troubles are?
Okay.
Ahh. How can I help you?
So I was playing rugby yesterday
Rugby?! Right, rough game!
I hit someone pretty hard, and my shoulder came out.
I think it's dislocated
I hurt my hand.
I can't move it. I think it's broken.
I also twisted my ankle a lot.
Well it's now swollen
I think it's sprained
Right. Well your hand may just be fractured
No, I think... It feels like a full break. Have a look. It's...
Does it hurt?
I had to check
I might try... an ice cube on it to see if that makes any difference
If not...
I may need to amputate
We'll try this out, and uh...
Doesn't actually make a lot of difference
It's not helping
Right no, I'm going to have to perform surgery
and remove the pain
Are you even a real doctor?
Yes of course I am
I've got a piece of doctor paper here
Do you mean a degree?
Well...
Whatever it is
See what I mean? So all above board and official.
So surgery's my only option?
Yeah. Amputation.
Remove
from the wrist the hand
Yes. It won't hurt, don't worry
I'll use erm...
Plenty of... uh...
uhh...
Ohhh...
Anaes...
Anastai- ...Anastasia?
Anaesthetic?!
Anaesthetic! Yes!
Plenty of anaesthetic. So you won't feel much, at all really
Okay
Yeah?
Okay so if you'd like to wait outside in the waiting room
Okay fine
Okay?
Thanks, doctor
You're most welcome
I'll see you in a bit, okay?
Okay, so, what's troubling you?
Well all week I've been pooing quite a bit
About every five minutes I poo
Alright
It comes out like coffee
I've had awful diarrhoea
That is really gross!
Did you have to tell me that?!
Well... You are a doctor, aren't you?
I AM a doctor, yes. But...
I mean that's disgusting! I didn't need to know that!
It actually could be food poisoning
Have you been eating anything unusual recently?
Yes
I've been licking...
a lot of things, like toilet handles
Toilet seats
Toilet seats?
For any particular reason?
Because I read that keyboards have more bacteria on them
Than toilet seats?
That's correct
Wait outside, would you, in the reception area.
I'll deal with you later
Thanks, doctor
Yes
Right
So...
Jesus
Everything alright?
No
The last week I've been quite ill
I've had... I think it's a cold
My head hurts a lot. I have a headache
My throat hurts, awfully. So I have a sore throat.
Glands are quite swollen
Right
So you have a bit of a sore throat, do you?
Yes, yes it's rather painful
Let's have a look at your tongue
There's only one solution to this...
Antibiotics?
No
Gonna have to amputate
Oh
So would you wait out in reception area?
The receptionist will book you in, okay?
So...
Comfortable?
No
I thought it'd be pretty obvious. I've got a... I've been shot.
Shot, ay?!
Someone shot me
Well you can see the wound is quite big
Yes, it is a bit
Well that's a shame
I'm bleeding a lot!
Are you?
Right, well
Right well we're gonna have to-
That could very easily get infected
See?
I've just infected it
Look! Pus
It's infected
Alright, so what do we do?
Well you're gonna have to wait outside in the reception area
I'll see if I can...
...make arrangements...
...for you
Okay
Thank you, doctor
Bloody weirdos I've had in today!