>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.
GIVE IT UP FOR STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY.
THANKS, EVERYBODY.
LOUIS, YOU KNOW I'M GRATEFUL TO EVERYBODY WHO COMES ON THIS SHOW
AND WE HAVE SOME AMAZING GUEST, WHO WOODWARD AND BERNSTEIN, EMMA
THOMPSON THIS WEEK, BRYAN CRANSTON, BUT TONIGHT THERE IS
NOTHING THE HOST OF ONE OF THESE SHOWS WANTS TO SEE MORE ON THE
BOARD OTHER THAN TOM HANKS.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> THOMAS HANKS IS HERE TONIGHT.
SO THAT IS GOING TO BE FUN, DO STICK AROUND FOR THAT.
NOW FOLKS, NOW, I'VE BEEN TOLD THAT A LOT
OF PEOPLE CONSIDER ME TO BE A SOMETHING OF A FATHER FIGURE.
IN FACT, FOR SOME REASON, A LOT OF PEOPLE ON TWITTER LIKE TO
CALL ME "DADDY."
EVEN MORE CONFUSING?
SOME OF THEM ACTUALLY WANT A SPANKING.
NOW, I LOVE BEING A TV DAD, AND I DON'T TAKE THE TITLE LIGHTLY.
AND RIGHT NOW, THINGS FEEL UNSETTLED IN AMERICA.
I THINK WE COULD ALL USE A LITTLE REASSURANCE.
SO, FOLKS, DAD IS CALLING A FAMILY MEETING!
>> Stephen: HEY, KIDDO.
TAKE A SEAT.
COP A SQUAT, BUDDY, OKAY, WE NEED TO TALK.
NOW I KNOW YOU'RE MAD AT ME BECAUSE I WOULDN'T LEND YOU THE
CAR, BUT WITH GAS PRICES THE WAY THEY ARE, IT'S CHEAPER FOR YOU
TO FLY TO YOUR FRIENDS HOUSE.
AND I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT ANOTHER LECTURE FROM YOUR
OL' TV DAD, HERE...
WHICH IS WHY I'VE ALSO INVITED YOUR MOVIE DAD TO JOIN US.
TOM, COME ON IN.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) HEY, BLUEDEE, BUDDY.
>> LISTEN, YOU GOT TO LISTEN.
IT IS GREAT TO SEE YOU BUT PLEASE PUT THOSE MUSCLES AWAY.
YOU'VE BEEN WORKING OUT.
>> BUDDY, YOUR DAD AND I HAVE NOTICED YOU'VE BEEN FEELING
PRETTY ANXIOUS LATELY.
>> WE KNOW THERE IS ALOT TO THINK ABOUT
THINK ABOUT-- ALL THE CHANGES GOING ON IN THIS COUNTRY, ALL
THE CHANGES GOING ON IN YOUR SWIMSUIT AREA, PEOPLE TALKING
ABOUT YOUR SWIMSUIT AREA-- IT'S ALL PRETTY UPSETTING.
>> Stephen: AND YOU'RE GROWING UP SO FAST.
IT FEELS LIKE JUST YESTERDAY YOU WERE CRAWLING AROUND ON THE
FLOOR IN NOTHING BUT YOUR UNDERWEAR, EATING SPAGHETTI
STRAIGHT OUT OF THE BOWL WITH YOUR HANDS...
>> BUT WE WERE ALL DOING THAT BACK IN 2020.
IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON.
SON.
>> Stephen: BUT SADLY WE CAN'T BECAUSE CORONAVIRUS IS
STICKING AROUND MUCH LONGER THAN WE ALL THOUGHT.
>> YEAH, COVID IS KIND OF LIKE WHEN YOUR UNCLE BILL STAYS
WITH US.
HE SAYS HE'S GOING TO BE HERE FOR TWO WEEKS, BUT YOU KNOW HE'S
NOT GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL JANICE FORGIVES HIM FOR THE WHOLE
"BUYING A HOUSEBOAT WITHOUT ASKING HER" THING.
>> Stephen: BY THE WAY, YOUR UNCLE BILL HAS COVID.
>> AND ALSO SCURVY.
BUT HERE'S THE THING, CHAMP.
I KNOW HOW TOUGH THIS CAN BE.
IN FACT, NOT TO BRAG, BUT I WAS ONE OF THE FIRST TO GET COVID.
BACK BEFORE IT WAS COOL-- WHICH IT NEVER WAS!
>> Stephen: AND WE NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT PEER PRESSURE.
I KNOW, A LOT OF YOUR FRIENDS ARE TELLING YOU TO TAKE DRUGS.
>> SO, LISTEN UP, BECAUSE WE'RE ONLY GOING TO SAY THIS ONCE:
>> TAKE THE DRUGS.
>> Stephen: THOSE VACCINES AND BOOSTERS REALLY WORK.
>> AND, KIDDO, WE KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE YOUR AGE.
>> Stephen: THE WORLD CAN BE SO CONFUSING.
SOMETIMES YOU WISH YOU WERE ALL GROWN UP ALREADY.
>> EXACTLY.
SO, YOU VISIT A MAGIC FORTUNE-TELLING MACHINE, WAKE UP
AS AN ADULT, MOVE TO THE BIG CITY,
GET A JOB AT A TOY COMPANY, START A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH
AN ACTUAL ADULT WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON-- WHICH IS
REALLY FUNNY BUT IN RETROSPECT IS PRETTY DISTURBING--
WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE!
>> Stephen: AND WE KNOW THE FUTURE CAN SEEM SCARY, TOO.
IT'S A TOUGH JOB MARKET OUT THERE.
>> BUT IF YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO IT, YOU CAN STILL BE ANYTHING
YOU WANT TO BE.
>> Stephen: JUST NOT A COMEDIAN.
>> OR AN ACTOR.
>> Stephen: YEAH, THOSE ARE OUR JOBS.
AND WE CANNOT LOSE THEM.
THE MARKET IS KILLING ME RIGHT NOW.
>> REALLY?
I PUT ALL MY MONEY INTO OLD TYPEWRITERS.
BECAUSE IT'S IMPORTANT TO UNPLUG FROM THE INTERNET EVERY
ONCE IN A WHILE.
>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF WHICH, WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT YOUR
SOCIAL MEDIA USAGE.
>> SPECIFICALLY, WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO ACCEPT MY FACEBOOK
REQUEST?
>> Stephen: WHAT'RE YOU, TOO BUSY USING THE TIKTOK?
DO WE NEED TO DO ONE OF YOUR VIRAL DANCES JUST TO GET YOUR
ATTENTION?
FINE!
(LIZZO DANCE) ♪
>> AWAY-HEY-HEY-HEY!
LOOK AT YOUR DADS WHILE WE'RE TIKTOK-ING TO YOU!
>> Stephen: AND BUDDY, BEFORE I FORGET: HERE'S YOUR ALLOWANCE.
I'D TELL YOU TO SAVE IT.
BUT WITH INFLATION, YOU BETTER BLOW THAT FAST!
>> AND, KIDDO?
REMEMBER: IF YOU EVER NEED ANYTHING, WE'LL BE RIGHT HERE.
>> Stephen: DOING THIS.
(TIK TOK DANCE) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
TOM HANKS!