(upbeat music)
- [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California,
the only news team that doesn't know
what's on the teleprompter before they read it.
Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.
This is Breaking News.
- Welcome back to Breaking News,
the show where we don't know what we're about to say
and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Brian Watterson.
- And I'm Fat Bastard.
(anchors laughing)
- Our top story tonight, the school admissions scandal
has widened with more parents bribing
their children's way into college.
- I ate a baby!
- Interestingly, the scandal continues to include
really middle-tier universities like USC
where no parent would ever be proud of their child going.
- I'm bigger than you.
I'm higher on the food chain.
Get in my belly!
- This reporter fears the scandal might grow to include;
Rice, which you hear about once every ten years or so;
Carnegie Mellon, which is probably impressive
if you have the misfortune of living in Pittsburg;
and Marquette, which I dare you
to even guess what state that's in.
- I got a crap poking out that could choke a donkey.
I'm gettin' all emotional from it.
- The scandal has extended to include my alma mater,
Dartmouth University.
Dartmouth, the Washington Generals of the ivy league.
Dartmouth, for the students bright enough for Columbia,
but not hot enough for New York.
- Sorry, I fart.
(anchors laughing)
- Interestingly, Dartmouth doesn't have an official mascot,
because honestly why would we ever need one?
But our unofficial mascot, Keggy,
is an anthropomorphic keg created by students
because get this, college students like beer.
That's the kind of creativity and originality
that got us into the ivy league.
Fat Bastard, where did you go to college?
- Penn State!
(anchors laughing)
- Very good.
We turn now to Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe for sports.
(Bob mimicking bark)
- Hey, Brian. Hey, Fat Bastard.
I'm here to talk about the sport of the summer,
water skiing.
Apple Valley Lake is holding its annual Water Ski-Off
this weekend, and like anything involving boats,
it's sure to be douchey.
People who own speed bumps are the same kind of people
who think nobody hits their kids enough anymore,
or who drink wine with ice in it.
Summer on the lake looks like a PSA
on the dangers of skin cancer.
Everyone there is at best a libertarian.
The Ski-Off is an amateur water skiing contest.
That means people will mostly be- (hissing)
- What's that Bulldog?
- I said. (gasping)
That means people-
(anchors laughing)
That means people will mostly be sitting on a boat
with their cousin trying to pretend
to be in whatever baseball team he's talking about,
waiting their turn to get in the water.
Once they do, they'll try for twenty
frustarating minutes to get up on skis
before finally giving up out of embarassment.
The winner will be whoever is the first person
to suggest tubing, water skiing's less cool,
but more fun friend.
It's like I always say,
'Tube! Tube tube tube!
Tube you tubs tube!'
Back- (sputtering, laughing)
Back to you, Fat Bastard.
- I eat because I'm unhappy
(anchors laughing)
and I'm unhappy because
because I eat!
- Speaking of which, let's go now to our restaurant critic,
Golda Meir. No Relation.
Golda, you're at a pie festival, is that right?
- That's right Brian, I'm sampling
all the pies made by local bakers.
- And what's been the standout?
- Oh I always go for the classics,
so there was a really tasty cherry pie.
- Mmm, sounds good, what else have you tried?
- Oh my! Well, there's been apple pie, pumpkin pie,
pump can pie, pecan pie, pee can pie, pee pump pie,
Boston creme pie, Austin creme pie, chicken pot pie,
coward pot pie, strawberry pie, poon tang pie.
- Oh my.
- It has a dirty name, yes, but it's made with
a grapefruit curd and meringue.
Don't worry though, it for sure tastes like (audio cuts).
- Mmm.
- Mmm. There was chocolate pie.
Croc-lets pie, that's pie made with crocs.
Mince meat pie, Prince meat pie,
that's pie made from Prince's dead body.
Rinse meat pie,
that's pie made from meat you hold under the faucet.
Blueberry pie, and, of course, humble pie.
- I love pie.
- I love gold!
- We all do.
That's all for us on Breaking News.
Of course, this weeks loser is Shukri Abdi.
Keep up the good work Shukri.
Thank you for watching.
Well that was a good time.
- That was a very good time.
- Hi, I still don't know what I'm about to say,
because I'm a big stupid idiot.
If you liked this video, you can go to hell,
and then you can go to dropout.tv
to start your free trial, today.
For every episode of Breaking News that's here,
there's another episode only available on dropout.tv.
Until next time, I'm Grant O'Brien.
Which is Irish for Grant of Brian.