( APPLAUSE )
BAND, EVERYBODY.
LOUIS CATO AND MR. JAMES TAYLOR RIGHT THERE.
MY GOODNESS.
( APPLAUSE )
MAGICAL TO HAVE YOU HERE THIS WEEK, MAN.
REALLY ENJOYABLE.
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, I GET PAID TO COME HERE, BUT I WOULD
COME HERE FOR FREE TO SHARE THE STAGE WITH YOU FOR THE WEEK, YOU
KNOW.
( APPLAUSE )
THEY'RE STILL PAYING ME, BUT I WOULD DO IT FOR FREE IF I HAD
TO.
QUICK QUESTION: HOW MANY PEOPLE CAME HERE TONIGHT TO SEE THE
SHOW BECAUSE YOU HEARD JAMES WAS HERE?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I KNEW IT!
WATCH YOUR BACK, TAYLOR.
LOUIS WE HAVE AMAZING PEOPLE ON TONIGHT.
WE HAVE SUCH A NATIONAL TREASURE.
MR. RON HOWARD IS HERE THIS EVENING.
( APPLAUSE )
AN AMAZING LIFETIME CAREER HE'S GOT.
AND THIS IS EXCITING FOR ME.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS KNOW, PRETTY SOON, I THINK THE FIRST
WEEK OF SEPTEMBER, AMAZON'S "LORD OF THE RINGS: THE RINGS OF
POWER" IS STARTING, AND THE STAR IS GALADRIEL, WANT ACTRESS
PORTRAYING GALADRIEL IS MORFYDD CLARK.
AND SHE'LL BE OUT HERE LATER THIS EVENING AS WELL.
( APPLAUSE )
>> Louis: ARE YOU A FAN OF THE "LORD OF THE RINGS"?
>> Stephen: I HEAR GOOD THINGS.
I HEAR GOOD THINGS ABOUT IT.
I MEAN TO READ IT SOME DAY.
FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE,
METICULOUSLY HARVESTING THE MOST HIGH-QUALITY BEESWAX FROM LOCAL
NEWS HIVES, DELICATELY SEPARATING IT FROM THE PROPOLIS
AND HONEY, GRINDING IT WITH ONLY THE DAY'S RICHEST AND BOLDEST
STORY PIGMENTS TO CRAFT FOR YOU THE GLORIOUS JASPER JOHNS
ENCAUSTIC MASTERPIECE THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I JOLT AWAKE IN THE BACK
ROO OF A YANKEE CANDLE IN AN ABANDONED MALL IN SECAUCUS, FILL
MY POCKETS WITH WHATEVER SMELLS LIKE PEPPERMINT, MELT THE WAX
OVER AN OPEN TIRE FIRE, SPRINKLE IN CRUSHED UP TICS TACS FOR
COLOR AND SMEAR IT ACROSS THE HOOD OF A BURNT-OUT PONTIAC
SUNFIRE TO CREATE THE SOCIOPATHIC LONER'S FINGER
PAINTING OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
"MEANWHILE!"
MEANWHILE, IN A KANSAS PRISON, AN INMATE USED HEMORRHOID CREAM
TO OPEN A HOLE IN HIS JAIL WINDOW.
THAT HEADLINE AGAIN: "-HOLE OPENS A HOLE WITH CREAM
MEANT FOR A-HOLE."
ACCORDING TO HIS FORMER CELLMATE, THE PRISONER WAS ABLE
TO MAKE THE HOLE BY LIGHTING HEMORRHOID CREAM ON FIRE AND
MELTING THE PLASTIC IN THE WINDOW.
HUH.
I THOUGHT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO RELIEVE BURNING.
( LAUGHTER )
100-MILLION-YEAR-OLD DINOSAUR FOOTPRINTS IN THE FLOOR OF A
RESTAURANT.
NEVER A GOOD SIGN.
"HEY, WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU CLEANED THESE FLOORS?"
"I WANNA SAY LATE CRETACEOUS."
MEANWHILE, WE HERE AT "MEANWHILE TACTICAL FIREARMS AND ORGANIC
FRUIT PRESERVES" SOMETIMES COME ACROSS SO MANY PIG-RELATED
STORIES, WE GATHER THEM UP IN OUR "MEANWHILE" SUBSEGMENT,
"PORCINE-WHILE."
PORCINE-WHILE, SCIENTISTS SAY PIGS CAN BREATHE THROUGH THEIR
BUTT HOLES, AND SO COULD YOU."
GOOD NEWS FOR MEDICAL RESEARCH.
BAD NEWS FOR ANYONE GIVING C.P.R.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I LIKE THAT WE BLURRED IT.
RESEARCHERS FOUND THAT BY PUMPING OXYGEN AND OXYGENATED
LIQUID THROUGH THE ANIMALS' BUTT HOLES INTO THEIR INTESTINES,
THEY COULD SURVIVE WITHOUT BREATHING THROUGH THEIR LUNGS.
FANTASTIC.
( LAUGHTER )
THE CANCER-- ALL CURED UP, I'M ASSUMING?
WE'RE WORKING ON THIS.
WE'RE ALL... GOOD, GREAT, JUST CHECKING.
PORCINE-WHILE, THERE'S BEEN A BREAKTHROUGH IN ANTI-AGING.
SCIENTISTS HAVE REVIVED PIG ORGANS AFTER DEATH.
WHEN THE BODIES OF PIGS THAT HAD BEEN DEAD FOR AN HOUR WERE
HOOKED UP TO THIS NEW SYSTEM, THEIR HEARTS RESUMED BEATING AND
LIMITED FUNCTION WAS RESTORED TO THE ANIMALS' BRAINS, LUNGS,
LIVERS, KIDNEYS AND PANCREASES.
AND I'M SURE THE PIGS ARE THRILLED.
( LAUGHTER )
YOU, THE SAME FOLKS WHO WERE MAKING ME BREATHE THROUGH
MY BUTT HOLE?
THEN I'M ALL GOOD WITH BEING DEAD, THANKS.
ALL TRUE STORIES.
THESE ARE ALL TRUE STORIES.
MEANWHILE, CAT LOVERS CAN NOW TRY CAT-FOOD-INSPIRED DISHES AT
FANCY FEAST'S ITALIAN POP-UP RESTAURANT.
TO WHICH TACO BELL RESPONDED, "HEY, WER MEAT IS OUR THING!"
THE RESTAURANT--
YOU WANT TO BREATHE THROUGH YOUR BUTT HOLE.
THE RESTAURANT-- AND I USE THAT WORD LOOSELY-- IS CALLED
GATTO BIANCO, WHICH MEANS "WHITE CAT," AND IS DESCRIBED BY FANCY
FEAST AS AN "ITALIAN-STYLE TRATTORIA."
TO WHICH ITALY RESPONDED: >> WHY?
WHY?
WHY DID YOU DO IT?!
( LAUGHTER )
FANCY FEAST DESCRIBE THE EXPERIENCE, SAYING, "THE DISHES
AT GATTO BIANCO ARE PREPARED IN WAYS THAT HELP CAT OWNERS
UNDERSTAND HOW THEIR CATS EXPERIENCE FOOD."
WHICH IS, BEGRUDGINGLY, WHILE WAITING FOR YOU TO DIE SO THEY
CAN EAT YOUR EYEBALLS.
( LAUGHTER )
THIS WHILE ALSO BEING A HOT CAT IN JAPAN, I'VE GOT GREAT NEWS,
BECAUSE "JAPAN'S CATS AND DOGS ARE GETTING WEARABLE FANS TO
BEAT THE SCORCHING HEAT.
AWW, LOOK AT THAT.
NOW THAT'S A FACE THAT SAYS "I FEEL SO REFRESHED...
WHILE WAITING FOR YOU TO DIE SO I CAN EAT YOUR EYEBALLS."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH RON HOWARD.