-Well, guys, of course
everyone is still talking about the coronavirus.
And I got to be honest,
things are getting a little crazy out there.
Today in Central Park,
I saw a squirrel rubbing Purell on his nuts.
[ Laughter ]
-Wow.
-The coronavirus doesn't seem like it's slowing down,
and now the governor of New Jersey has declared
a state of emergency.
It's serious. The last time this happened
was when they ran out of pinky rings at a "Soprano" convention.
[ Laughter ]
Seriously, there hasn't been a state of emergency in New Jersey
since the great track suit fire of '98.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, because of the virus, the mayor of Boston announced
that their annual St. Patrick's Day Parade has been cancelled.
[ Audience groans ]
The mayor asked if instead of drinking, puking,
and blacking out in the streets,
people could make the mature choice and do it at home.
[ Laughter ]
-Hey.
-This week, New York governor Andrew Cuomo
introduced a new brand of hand sanitizer
that's being made by the state of New York called NYS Clean.
Yep, and here he is talking about what it smells like.
-A little, I detect, lilac.
[ Laughter ]
Hydrangea, tulips. What does it smell like to you?
Tulips, yes.
Floral bouquet.
[ Laughter ]
-What's that smell like to you?
-He's like a germaphobic sommelier.
He said it smells like a floral bouquet. And the state also made
some other scents that really say "New York." For instance,
there's Times Square Elmo After A 12-Hour Shift.
[ Laughter ]
-Mm, sweat?
Mm, cigarettes? Mm.
-There's also Summertime Garbage Behind Bubba Gump Shrimp.
[ Laughter ]
Then there's Uber Driver Who Just Stopped For Shawarma.
-Oh. [ Laughter ]
-And of course, Penn Station Bathroom
After A Crocs Convention.
-Oh. Mm.
[ Laughter ]
Get this, guys. Harvard just announced
that they're sending all of their students home
until further notice, and they'll take classes online.
Now if you meet someone who says they went to Harvard,
you can be like, "Oh, that online school?"
[ Laughter ]
Finally. Finally. [ Cheers and applause ]
-Come on. Give him something.
What's that smell like to you?
-Meanwhile, today, "Wheel of Fortune"
filmed without an audience
as a protective measure against the coronavirus.
Things are so bad over there,
Vanna is now turning all the letters with her elbow.
[ Dinging ]
[ Laughter ]
[ As Pat Sajak ] There are five S's.
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] Meanwhile, President Trump's
brand-new Chief of Staff, Mark Meadows,
has already "self-quarantined" himself.
Not because of the virus. On his first day,
he looked around, and he was like, "Aw, hell no.
I'm not ready for this.
I'm not ready for this. [ Laughter and applause ]
I'm not ready for this.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Some more political news -- Today was Super Tuesday 2.0,
with primaries in six different states.
Yeah, for six states, it was all about Biden versus Bernie.
For everyone else, it was Hannah Ann versus Madison.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Right? Tonight --
Tonight was the big season finale of "The Bachelor."
Oh, my goodness.
[ Cheers and applause ]
For months, we've seen Peter travel the world,
kiss lots of women, introduce them to his parents --
basically all the things you shouldn't do during a pandemic.
That's right, tonight was part 2 of "The Bachelor" season finale.
And Pete had to choose between two very qualified women,
or as Democrats put it, lucky.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
And last night, we finally got to see
one of the most anticipated moments of the season.
And many people were shocked to find out
Peter's mom was talking about Hannah Ann,
not Madison, in this moment.
-Hannah Ann loves you with all of her heart.
Don't let her go.
Bring her home.
Bring her home to us.
[ Laughter ]
-She was like, "I just want you to be happy
for the next three to six months."
[ Laughter ]
Come on. A little overreacting.
Tone it down, Mom. Take two.
Mom, do it again. Tone it down a little bit.
-What does this smell like?
-[ Imitates sobbing, stammering ]
Okay, stop. One more take.
Just take it down a little notch.
And finally, this is going viral.
In Ohio, a little boy had his first wrestling match,
and things didn't go as planned. Take a look.
-Alright, ready?
[ Whistle blows ] -Wrestle, Jay.
[ Laughter ]
-He was like, "Did you see the other guy?
He must have been like 2 feet tall!"
We have a great show!