[Channel Teaser]
How The Chosen King Of Neckbeards Continually Kept Ruining My Sessions
So I joined a DnD group in my local area.
I was the youngest being 14 at the time but as my dad raised me with RPGs and I’d already
played and DMed a few campaigns, but this would be the first game outside of friends
and family.
Regardless, I was fairly mature for my age and could hold a decent conversation, so I
felt confident it would not be awkward.
I’d been in similar situations before.
So we all get together and write up our characters.
I chose the group since all the people involved liked warhammer which I was a massive fan
of, and being warhammer nerds we all had very grimdark characters.
Another important note is that cosmetic changes were allowed on our part as long as they made
sense with the rules.
I liked pretty much all the characters.
They pretty much all appealed to my teenage edge: these included a dwarven barbarian who
planned to multiclass into paladin, a drow rogue, a human-ish definitely not a chaos
worshipper warlock, me as a Dragonborn cleric, biblical revelation style who spat boiling
blood.
And finally, the fighter -- the elven fighter.
All the players were really nice.
The DM was a great storyteller and everyone really got into role playing, especially the
fighter.
You see the fighter was played by a foul smelling fellow who would always wear anime t-shirts,
but I'd be damned if he didn’t hang his trench coat and fedora by the door.
This should have been an early warning sign, because -- Jesus Christ -- things got ugly
with him.
For starters, his character was a total self-insert, basically being a taller, more attractive
version of himself; but he also always insisted on fighting with a katana, despite the DM
constantly reminding him that we were in a northern, medieval setting, and I mean medieval.
Streets of mud and the plague patrol going down every other day.
But he gave excuses like “people would surely buy such a unique and high quality blade brought
in by wandering merchants.”
The DM didn’t want katana’s in his campaign but eventually caved and sold it to him for
double the price of a normal sword.
The barbarian would, in his usual friendly rivalry kind of way, mock him for having such
a thin sword.
Such mockery would usually go something like this:
“Can’t handle a real sword can ya?
Ya pointy eared fairy man,” the barbarian joked.
“You can’t handle a real weapon you savage.
This weapon takes skill, precision, discipline and years of training the likes of which you
couldn’t even imagine.
You instead choose to wildly hack away like some uncivilised brute, and insult those who
use more precise weapons simply because you’re scared of them.”
Thus was the fighter’s response.
As opposed to what happened with other characters, interactions would usually go like this.
“ Too scared to use a real weapon to kill your enemies?
Ya walking sack of potatoes!”
The barbarian smirked.
“You only say that because if you attack from afar you’d only be able to hit their
shoes,” the warlock retorted.
“Oh by my grandad’s glorious white beard, it’s on,” the barbarian grinned.
“Whoever kills the most marauders wins the other one’s rations,” the warlock suggested.
“May the best man or whatever you are win,” the barbarian said, grasping the warlock’s
hand.
But that’s not all.
The fighter would also go on long drawn out monologues every time something important
in the plot happened, usually in some attempt to make it about him, which segues into the
next issue.
He wanted to be the Mary Sue of the world, and during the later parts when the DM was
not giving it to him, he tried to be the backseat DM who would always try to influence the world
for their character.
Not only that but he wanted to be perfect, beautiful and infallible, as opposed to our
ragtag gang of morally questionable individuals who you would not want to encounter on the
street at night.
But he just had to always be in the right, so quick to condemn us of being “not worthy
to represent the light” despite the only one of us trying to do so happened to be a
lunatic from the desert who thought the light would turn the seas to blood.
One more weird thing was that he would always have his character try to hit on the rogue,
which both her character and the player were visibly uncomfortable with.
Of course he never admitted it since he wanted his character to have his own harem.
But things started getting really bad when the stakes started to raise and a true quest
became apparent and the campaign came into its own.
He started butting heads with pretty much everyone else involved, but I seemed to bear
the brunt of it, as both the characters and players were in stark contrast.
My character has garnered a reputation as a herald of Armageddon, the messenger of a
vengeful god who both warns of his coming wrath and smites the sinners who stand against
it.
However, of course, the fighter, king of the neckbeards, couldn’t stand religion.
He went on various monologues about how “there are no gods in this uncaring world” and
“religion is for brain dead cultists who want to start another Spanish Inquisition.”
This annoyed me a fair bit since I was and still am a fairly steadfast catholic.
Catholics don’t really regard revelation as valid for a number of reasons, which is
why I felt able to make a character based around it, But I tried to only argue in character,
giving off loose biblical verses and things that aren’t, but sound like they are.
Seriously, that shit is my jam.
Myself and the rest of the group were leaning towards an ending like revelation, where divine
fury is cast onto the world and the suddenly vengeful armies of the gods and those humans
who were still loyal face off against those tempted by devils and their false miracles,
as all hell breaks loose.
BUT!
Neckbeard had other plans, he wanted to effortlessly save the world and become the king of everything
ever because he’s just that good.
Oh and we would get to be like middle class or something!
But the DM didn’t like that so he tended to lean more towards the biblical route.
Keep in mind this only really kicked into high gear about a quarter into the campaign.
We started facing more biblical enemies and the plot began advancing in that direction.
Around halfway through we started getting more involved with the gods.
The barbarian at this stage was equal parts barbarian and paladins, and was some sort
of badass avatar of war, and became a chosen warrior of various gods of war, fire and metal.
The warlock became a champion of the dark gods, gaining forbidden powers and eldritch
secrets in return.
And the rogue began to develop plans involving eleven gods.
It was all coming together: a mix of grim dark fantasy and revelation biblical stories.
The stage was well on the way to being set.
But the neckbeard, despite being offered multiple chances to become a champion of some form
of divinity, refused, because “he feared no gods.”
Eventually, he became fed up with having to not be the best at everything, and having
the campaign not go his way, he became increasingly lone wolf, and just generally began upping
the cringy anime protagonist thing.
After multiple hissy-fits at the table he decided to challenge me to a duel.
Now you see, my character would have definitely jumped at the chance to put that arrogant
brat in his place and show him the true power of God, so I accepted.
This happened despite the inherent unfairness of a cleric versus fighter dual who still
acted as if he was somehow honourable.
But between me choosing war domain and being the chosen prophet of the dice gods, I actually
somehow won the fight, and I made a show of it.
The blood of saints seated his skin, and holy flames scorched his bones, as the wrath of
the gods manifested and rained fire down from the heavens.
An overwhelming victory on my part, and as I bellowed about how he should know his place
against the gods, he started saying it wasn’t fair, and that I cheated by getting my god
involved, and that I wasn’t honourable.
Other characters remarked on how a fighter going against a cleric who can’t even use
his divine powers was not exactly honourable, but he just has none of it and demanded that
I heal his wounds and fight him fairly.
To remind you guys, he was lying on the ground, bleeding severely.
I told him I am an avatar of my god and his and my actions are one and the same; and as
such the use of him was all well and good.
I told him I wouldn’t have a rematch with him and then healed his wounds, but oh no.
Oh lord no, he wasn’t having any of that.
He immediately tried to rush me while I had my back to him and had just healed him.
To think this was the guy who complained about honour!
The barbarian and the warlock stepped in, saying this wasn’t a duel anymore, but he
just told them to “get out of my way or I’ll show you my wrath as well.”
They proceeded to beat the crap out of him.
He then chucked a tantrum about how it’s not fair, and this is where it gets real juicy.
He started yelling about how he was being targeted because he was the smartest, and
because he has the best character and that we were all jealous.
And apparently we all just did not appreciate it because we had “unsophisticated western
taste.”
Keep in mind that he was the whitest one of us all.
He literally threw a book at me and yelled at me about how I’m ruining the world with
my bigoted western views and abhorrent religion.
I was genuinely terrified; for one, the book hurt like hell; and two, he was a 30 year
old man and I was some bony thin 14 year old.
I did look older than I was but I was still bloody and shaking.
He then proceeded to storm out of the house.
We continued the session but it was awkward and I was left pretty scared.
He might’ve been a neckbeard at heart but he was actually pretty physically imposing.
And I was still shaken.
Next session he shows up, despite being kicked from the group chat.
He walks over to the table like nothing happened, but then the barbarian says, “we don’t
want you here.
You scared the bloody hell out of the boy.
He’s still got bruises all over his face.
He’s only a kid for Christ’s sake!”
To which the neckbeard replied “he deserved it, and he’ll get more if you don’t let
me play.”
At which point I was getting scared and was spring loaded to bolt to the other side of
the house, but then the DM said, “leave the kid alone and get the bloody hell out
of my house before I call the police.”
The neckbeard must have thought he was tough for scaring someone half his age because he
thought he could intimidate the DM.
The warlock called the police while the barbarian got pictures of his car.
By the time he realised what had happened the neckbeard bolted to his car and drove
off, where the police found him on the road.
Apparently, he had been in trouble for trying to bully children into giving him things like
rare cards and collector’s items.
After that we never saw him again.
The campaign continued on and was really fun from there, the rogue’s new boyfriend joined
in and he was really cool.
He filled the role that the neckbeard left but with much less anime, and the campaign
eventually came to a climactic end that just could not have been better.
Good thing the neckbeard did not bring his katana to the game.
Otherwise, things could have gotten really ugly.
Some advice for you all: take showers, use soap, and do not be that guy.
Let me know if something like this has ever happened to you!
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