Ethan: Hila, did you know that you can use the Alexa to order shit? It's so cool.
Hila: No. How do you do that?
Ethan: Alexa, can you buy me some baby wipes?
Amazon Alexa: Amazon's choice for 'sex lubricant' is personal lubricant, water based-
Ethan: Alexa, stop, that's not baby wipes!
Alexa: The top search result for 'giant vibrator sex toy' is-
Ethan: Alexa, that's not baby wipes, stop!
Alexa: Amazon's choice for 'extra-large condoms'-
Ethan: Stop, stop! That's not baby wipes!
Alexa: Would you like to buy?
Ethan: NO!
Alexa: The top search result for 'giant black [censored]' is [unintelligble] yodeling pickle. (????)
I also found Jeff Dunham: Unleashed in Hollywood.
Ethan: ALEXA, STOP!
Alexa: ...metal clamps with chain deluxe silver metal toy clamp and adjustable butterfly design.
Would you like to buy?
So I've added it to your shopping list. Would you like to buy?
Michelle Obama: Wow, Ethan, great moves, keep it up, proud of you!
Ethan: You might be wondering why I'm dressed up like a trendy asshole.
Well, the answer's pretty simple, I'm doing a video about will.i.am.
Ethan (voiceover): Years ago, we made a video about will.i.am's new smart product, the 'Pulse,'
which was supposed to compete with Apple's smart watch.
Interviewer: What do you like to call it?
will.i.am: Well, it's not a watch.
One, it's not a watch because watches don't...have SIM cards.
Ethan: It's since been hailed as one of the worst products ever made.
Reviewer: It's called the Pulse, and it's one of the worst things I've ever reviewed.
Ethan: We made our video about the Pulse joking about the concept,
but there weren't many reviews available at the time,
and now I'm having SO much fun in going back over it.
Look at this integrated typing on this tiny screen, it's giving me anxiety, I'm having a panic attack watching this lady try to type three words on this thing!
[metal background music]
Interviewer (in background): What do you like to call it?
will.i.am: Well, it's not a watch...one, it's not a watch because watches don't... have SIM cards.
And it's not a smart watch...it's a, it's a, it's a new paradigm,
Ethan: But, that's enough about will.i.am, love him as we do, bless his heart,
we've come across a new tech item, a new smart item, that is TAKING the world by storm.
It's called ARING.
Not just a ring, it's ARING.
(hallejuah, hallejuah)
They just took "a," and "ring," and put it together.
It's a ring. (or, ARING?)
So ARING, is a smart ring, made by Whynot.
That's the company name. Why not?
I love that they're not even convinced [confident?] in their own company. Why not?
Whatever. You want a ring? Whatever. Why not?
I mean it's essentially a "smart ring" that sits on your finger,
it's MASSIVE, by the way,
it looks like a prop from Dr. Strange, and if it can't open portals to other dimensions and times,
then I'm not sure it's worth it.
But maybe it does that, maybe it does that and more.
So, here they have the trailer, that went on their GoFundMe campaign pages
let me jump into this and see if I can possibly understand why this ring was a flop.
Even the phone sounds like a stroke victim in this commercial!
Why does the phone sound like it's deaf?
So this was the #1 listed feature on their GoFundMe page,
that the ARING can find your phone!
And that to me is, is really revolutionary,
I mean I've never had any assistance finding my phone when I've lost it,
I mean I've never thought to call it.
Actually I would just call it. I would just do that, I would just call it, probably.
What is HAPPENING here?
Why is the dialogue so strange, I feel like I'm in a fever dream!
Why are their voices so weird?
Male actor: hEy bAbY...
dO yOu kNoW tHaT i CaN cOnTrOl ThE lIgHtS fRoM mY pHoNe?
Female actor: Oh ReAlLy YoU cAn-
Male actor: (cutting her off) yEaH iT's VeRy CoOl, LeMmE sHoW yOu ;)
The voiceover is so bizzare, how did they achieve that, and they're like talking over each other!
It's so strange!
How do you do th- how do you make simple dialogue so bizarre?
Apparently Tommy Wiseau's getting into the smart tech game 'cuz I haven't seen dialogue this bizarre since 'The Room!'
Johnny: I did not hit her, it's not true, it's bullshit, I did not hit her, I did not!
Oh hi, Mark!
This is so...strange, the, the voice is like ASMR.
Female actor: And it could also adjust brightness, right?
Ethan: You can hear their lips smacking in your ear and shit,
I feel like--is this really a commercial for ARING?
Or is for like sentient robot slaves?
(Kill Bill siren)
I feel like this guy's a robot slave and the ARING's just a distraction, dude!
Ethan (voiceover): Death to all humans!
Male actor: (slowed pitch): Wow, Amy, you're so amazing!
Ethan: Damn, this really fucked this robot's hair up, dude.
They gave him the 'fuck my shit up, fam' special.
You could've gave him any fresh look, why'd you give him the eurotrash 'fuck my shit up, fam?!'
This robot butler hasn't had the firmware update yet, to know how to use his iPhone 7,
he doesn't have the technology, doesn't have the update.
So, he fumbles around on his phone like he's never used a smart phone in his life,
as she swoops in with the ARING,
Female actor: Furious 7.
Ethan: And gets pro on his ass.
Ethan: You're out of more than Coke, you robot fuck, there's nothing in your refrigerator!
Looks like there's never been anything in your refrigerator!
Ok, first of all, he clearly finished writing it before she even came into the room,
and second of all, Amy, fuck off, let this guy live his life, dude, get out of here with your stupid ring, man!
The dude can live his own life!
Johnny: You're tearing me apart, Lisa!
Ethan: You know, my favorite part about this function is that this is a futuristic item,
you'd expect a little "Buy Coke" to order it on Amazon, or something where it would appear in your room,
for example, let me show you what the future actually looks like.
Alexa, buy me Coke!
Amazon Alexa: The top search result for 'giant [censored] beads' is hot and cold reusable-
Ethan: What, stop- Alexa, stop!
Alexa: Did you want me to order 'horse penis?'
Ethan: What? Alexa, stop!
Alexa: Did you want me to order 'stop?'
Ethan: ...No!
So as you can see the future is way more advanced and interesting.
There's a whole big world-
Alexa: ...order 'giant horse cock?'
Ethan: Stop! Alexa, what are you- what is wrong with you?
Alexa: I can't order 'giant horse cock' so I've added it to your shopping list.
Ethan: That, that looks so convenient and graceful, I'd love to be able to do this for every little thing I do on my phone.
Taipei 101 map.
Ooh, another perfect example of real human exchange.
It is not me that is smart. It is the ARING. I am a stupid American dumb white woman.
It's the ring that is smart. Goodbye. Have a good day.
She's a robot now.
You know, after watching this commercial, I have no idea why the ARING wasn't successful,
you've invented robots. Just to advertise this ring, that is a real impressive feat.
Well, you know what, sometimes you just gotta stick with the tech that works.
Alexa, could you please buy me ARING?
Alexa: The top search result for 'BDSM gag ball' is gag. Soft silicone ball gag. The beginner's gift for BDSM fetish sexy bondage restraints.
It's $11.50 total. Would you like to buy? (Whynot?)
[realizing sigh of acceptance and Ethan's innocence being drained from his body; not through his mouth after this purchase]
Ethan: I'll be sticking with what works.
Thanks for watching, guys.
Alexa: Did you want me to order 'I'll be sticking with what works?'
Ethan: See ya next time.
Alexa: Did you want me to order 'See you next time?'
Ethan: No, Alexa!
[ending song]
sorry if you didn't like the gag joke. this took me two hours; at least give me that; papa bless
[ending song]