- You call Southern Cross station Spencer Street station,
because you don't know why they changed the name,
because Spencer Street essentially is essentially
the location of the station, which makes it so much easier.
The suburb of Dandenong is actually not in the Dandenongs,
because why would we have named
a suburb in the Dandenongs Dandenong?
That, I mean, that just seems like illogical.
My wardrobe consists of black, black, black, black, black,
black, and a bit of gray, because colors, yeuch,
we don't do colors here in Melbourne.
Ooh, where shall we meet?
I don't know, like where we always meet
forever and always in the only meeting spot
in Melbourne, the clocks at Flinders Street.
When I leave for work every morning,
people think I'm going camping,
but no, no, no, it's just the inconsistent weather
we have here in Melbourne,
means I have to take wet weather gear, hot weather gear,
cycling gear, tsunami gear,
three umbrellas, in case two of them break,
people who carry a backpack are smart,
because they carry their Eskimo gear with them
at all times, even on a 45 degree day,
because we all know that the temperature
will drop by 78 degrees and it will be freezing.
When an older person says Safeway,
they're not talking about like a secure way
to get home and not get murdered,
they're talking about a supermarket,
that doesn't exist anymore.
When someone has a wedding on Grand Final Day,
they can expect no one to show up,
because it's Grand Final Day
and why would you put a wedding on that day?
Our freeways are just like a really long car park
with roadworks intermittently throughout them.
On the weekends,
brunch is the most important meal of the day.
You want me to meet you in Geelong?
Yeuch!
No, I'm not doing that, I'm never ever driving to Geelong,
'cause it's so far away,
but you know what, I'll meet you in Canberra or Sorrento,
I just don't wanna go to Geelong, oh, Geelong.
I'm gonna go buy me some potato cakes,
they're called potato cakes
and then when you go and get them, you go into the shop,
it's got all the plastic strips to keep the flies out
and you're like, ohh.
Here in Melbourne, we like everything deconstructed,
true story, we have a place that sells
deconstructed coffee, that comes in three beakers,
yes, because nothing says, I'm gonna pay 25 dollars
for that coffee, that I'm gonna have to make myself,
but it's not just coffees we like deconstructed,
I actually once ordered a deconstructed avocado toast
for actual reals and a bit of toast came out
with half an avocado and a bit of feta
and I actually had to smash the avocado myself
and put the feta on the toast
and I paid, ooh, 35 dollars for it, but you know, Melbourne.
You want to enter the Birdman Rally,
but then you're like, oh, I do have a lot of dignity
and it's also a lot of effort
to make that thing that they jump in the water with
and then you're like, oh God, are they gonna drown and die?
So you just watch instead.
When you order a coffee outside of Melbourne,
you find that it tastes a lot like dishwater
and complete shit,
so you don't actually order coffees from anywhere else,
'cause Melbourne does make the best coffees, they really do,
shut up, Sydney, we make the best coffee,
sit down, sit down, Sydney, sit down, no one cares for you.
You can guarantee that every major touring act
is coming to Melbourne, oh God, I'm so sorry, Adelaide,
they never go to Adelaide, no sorry about that,
even though we're really close to Adelaide, they never go,
I don't know why everyone skips Adelaide,
I would rather go to Adelaide, than go to Geelong.
You own a granny trolley,
because you like to go to the markets every weekend
to buy your organic fruits and vegetables
and you do so, by putting them in a granny trolley,
'cause it's just easier, who wants to carry that shit?
I mean, you've lived here your whole life,
but a hook turn still terrifies you,
like I don't know, do I go on the orange or the red,
everyone toots me, I toot people,
it's just, you just toot people,
you get to a hook turn and just toot your horn,
it's just something that we do here.
NRL?
More like Dumb RL,
what's an RL?
Grand sale, grand sale, grand sale!
Any of the really good restaurants,
you've just gotta go and put your name
and then wait for six hours, which I will happily do,
Mr. Myagi, yum, chin chin!
Oh, shut up, Sydney, your food's filthy, sit down!
When I first moved to Melbourne,
I didn't have all of this chinnage,
how do you think I got it?
From Chin Chin obviously.
When you see a tram inspector get on your tram,
you go, oh shit, did I touch on
and did I actually have any money on my card?
Lockout laws, we don't know what they are
here in Melbourne, sucked in, Sydney!
We have a food truck for every different type of food,
including one solely dedicated to Nutella.
Oh, it's always a real hoot,
when your interstate friends go home
and they've accidentally booked Avalon Airport,
sucked in, you moron, oh wait a minute,
I'm gonna have to drop you, oh boo,
I'm gonna have to drive to Geelong.
We love figs so much here,
we crammed restaurants onto our trams,
so we have restaurant trams.
Your barista is guaranteed to have a beard
and ride a bicycle, not a bike, we call them bicycles
and they talk really softly, a chaotic noise in the cafe
and here's your barista,
"Latte for Christian, have a nice day, thank you,"
and you're like, excuse me,
did you say a latte for Christian?
Also the coffee orders here are insane,
"Has anyone ordered the almond milk soya coconut
"chai latte tumeric with golden egg?"
that sounds disgusting and wanky,
but I will have two.
We have more public holidays
than any other state in Australia,
oh shut up, Sydney, sit down, stupid idiot, no one like you,
Melbourne's where it's at.
(light upbeat music)