>> James: GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO THIS,
THE "LATE, LATE SHOW."
WE HOPE YOU HAD A GREAT WEDNESDAY, THANK YOU FOR JOINING
US, WE HAVE A FUN SHOW TONIGHT.
WE'LL BE CHATTING WITH THE ALWAYS BRILLIANTED RIZ AHMED,
LATER A PERFORMANCE FROM THE MOST-STREAMED ARTIST IN THE
WORLD, PAD BUNNY IS HERE.
YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS IT.
YEAH.
BAD BUNNY.
USE WHAT THEY USED TO CALL ME IN HIGH SCAL, BAD BUNNY.
>> YOU WERE A BAD BUNNY IN HIGH SCHOOL.
>> BIG NIEM, YEAH, YOU KNOW ME, I WAS BAD, MAN, BAD BUNNY.
>> I CAN SEE IT.
>> LIKE WHAT, YEAH, BAD BUNNY.
LIKE I WILL SHOW YOU THE BAD BUNNY, UNDAY I WILL BE THE VOICE
OF PETER RABBIT.
THAT IS HOW BAD A BUNNY I AM.
LET'S TAKE A LACK AT SOME HEADLINES.
WITH ONLY TWO MONTHS LEFT OF THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION IS FACING
YET ANOTHER POTENTIAL SCAND ALL.
ACCORDING TO A NEW REPORT THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT IS
INVESTIGATING AN ALLEGED SCEAM WHERE INDIVIDUALS TRIED TO BRIBE
WHITE HOUSE OFFICIALS IN EXCHANGE FOR A PRESIDENTIAL
PARDON.
ST UNCLEAR WHAT THE PARDON WOULD BE FOR BUT FOR STARTERS I'M
GUESSING BRIBERY?
THE INVESTIGATION IS HAS NOT NAMED THE SOURCE IN THE WHITE
HOUSE ACCUSED OF SELLING THE PARDON BUT APPARENTLY IF IS
SOMEONE RONALD J BRUMP.
MEANWHILE ACCORDING TO OTHER REPORTS PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS BEEN
TALKING WITH HIS ADVISORS ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF BRANTING
PREEM TIFF PARDONS TO MEMBERS OF HIS OWN FAMILY INCLUDING DONE
DON, JR., ERIC, I VANNING AN AND SON IN LAW JARED KUSHNER WHICH
MEANS TIFFANY TRUMP IS SOMEWHERE LIKE HELLO, I CAN COMMIT CRIMES
TOO.
STOP IGNORING ME, DAD.
PREEM TIFF PARDONS FOR HIS FAMILY, ALTHOUGH TO BE FAIR,
DON, JR. SAYS HE DOESN'T NEED A PARDON UNLESS COCAINE IS
ILLEGAL.
HE'S LIKE COCAINE IS NOT ILLEGAL IS IT, NOT ILLEGAL, IT'S
COMPLETELY LEGAL.
(LAUGHTER) ANY EXCUSE, I DON'T KNOW WHERE
THIS COMES FROM, MY COCAINE ACT OUTS.
DON, JR. IT'S NOT LEGAL, IT'S NOT LEGAL.
WHAT HIS DPIRL FRIEND CALLED KIM PERLY.
>> KIMBERLY, THEY SAY COCAINE IS LEGAL!
WHAT!
ACCORDING TO LEGAL EXPERTS TRUMP'S CHILDREN MAY NEED
PARDONS DUE TO POTENTIAL CONFLICTS OF INTEREST ARISING
BETWEEN THEIR BUSINESS DEALINGS AND CONVERSATIONS WITH THEIR
FATHER.
MEANWHILE JARED KUSHNER NEEDS A PARDON FOR THE TIME HE KILLED A
DRIFTER JUST SO HE COULD FEEL SOMETHING.
(LAUGHTER) IN OTHER POLITICAL NEWS ATTORNEY
GENERAL WILLIAM BRAR HAS APPOINTED A SPECIAL COUNSEL TO
CONTINUE INVESTIGATING THE OR I DPINS OF THE TRUMP RUSSIA
INQUIRY EVEN AFTER BIDEN TAKES OFFICE.
THE SPECIAL COUNSEL IS JOHN DURHAM FRK YOU ARE NOT FAMILIAR
WITH JOHN DURHAM, HERE HE IS HERE.
AS YOU CAN SEE HE IS CURRENTLY IN THE PROCESS OF GROWING HIS
OWN COVID MASK.
HE LOOKS LIKE SANTA CLAUS.
HE LOOKS LIKE SANTA CLAUS, THE ONLY DPIFT SANTA GAVE WAS A FIRM
HANDSHAKE.
DID YOU SEE THAT, LOOK AT THAT, HE LOOKS LIKE A GOATEE GREW A
MAN.
I'M NOT SURE WHAT JOHN DURHAM WILL FIND ON THE RUSSIA INQUIRY
BUT WILL DEFINITELY GET TO THE BOTTOM OF WHAT YOUR MUM'S
FAVORITE FLOWERS ARE BECAUSE SHE IS A SPECIAL LADY AND HE'S NOT
HERE TO REPLACE YOUR DAD, OQ SPORT.
COULD YOU PULL OFF FACIAL HAIR LIKE THAT.
COULD YOU.
>> YEAH, I COULD BUT I'M HOT AND HOT PEOPLE CAN DO ANYTHING.
YOU KNOW.
>> James: YOU'VE HAD A LITTLE TRIM DOWN, HAVEN'T YOU?
WITHIN KIND OF, YEAH.
>> James: I CAN SENSE A TRIM DOWN.
>> YEAH, THAT'S LIKE MY OLD HAIR STYLE, THAT PICTURE.
>> James: WELL, YOU HAVE TAKEN THIS AWAY, TAKEN THIS AWAY AND
PUT A SORT OF-- .
>> Reggie: YEAH.
>> James: WITHIN THESE DPIES ARE SO FAST.
>> James: THAT WAS REMARKABLY FAST.
>> THAT WAS THE FASTEST I HAVE EVER SEEN.
>> James: LET'S SEE THAT AGAIN?
HOY CAN THE GRAPHICS DEPARTMENT DO THAT SO QUICKLY, LIKE WHEN WE
SEE A PICTURE OF A BLURRED PENIS ON A ROB THE O, YOU ARE LIKE YOU
WILL HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL THE END OF THE DAY FOR THAT, SORRY BOSS.
OH, LOOK AT THAT.
>> NICE, DAMN.
WOW.
>> James: I AM ACTUALLY NOT MAD AT THAT.
>> NO.
>> James: LET ME SEE-- LOOK AT THAT.
>> Reggie: WOW, THAT'S A NEW JAMES.
>> James: ISN'T IT.
YOU NOT SURE ABOUT IT HAGAR?
NO.
DOESN'T LOOK AND FEEL LIKE-- OH, OH, NOW COME ON.
COME.
>> I TOLD YOU.
>> James: YOU DID TELL, YOU SAID, YOU'RE HOT, YOU CAN PULL
ANYTHING OFF WITHIN THAT, THAT GUY MAKES LIKE MAKES HIS OWN
SWRERKY AT HOME, THAT SELLS FOR A LOT OF MONEY.
FOR THE MONEY, HE DOES IT BECAUSE HE PASSIONATELY BELIEVES
IN THE TRUTH OF ORGANIC JERKY.
>> I USE FOR MONEY TO MAKE CANOES FOR URBAN YOUTH.
>> James: WE'RE HAVING FUN, NICE, WE'RE ALL HAVING FUN.
AND DID YOU GUYS SEE THIS.
MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY BACK HOME ARE VERY, VERY EXCITED ABOUT
THIS NEWS.
TODAY THE UNITED KINGDOM GAVE EMERGENCY APPROVAL TO PFIZER
CORONAVIRUS VACCINE BECOMING THE FIRST WESTERN COUNTRY TO DO SO.
I MEAN THEY WILL DO ANYTHING TO MAKE SURE THE NEXT SEASON OF
GREAT BRITISH BAKING SHOW JUST GETS-- THEY ARE LAKE GO, GO,
PROTECT PRU AT ALL COSTS.
PRU, THEY SAID PRU LEAVE WILL BE THE FIRST PERSON TO GET THE
VACCINE IT WILL BE HER, THEN THE QUEEN, THEN FRONT LINE WORKERS.
>> ARE THEY GOING TO PUT A BLOCKY PLASTIC PRIMARY COLOR
SYRINGE.
>> YES, TO MATCH WHATEVER NECKLACE SHE IS WEARING THAT
DAY.
WHAT ABOUT THAT, BRITAIN, BRITAIN WINS.
YEAH, LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO REWRITE HAMILTON.
>> FINALLY.
>> James: LIKE YOU'LL BE BACK.
FOR A VACCINE.
♪ YOU MUST NEIL IN FRONT OF THE QUEEN-- KNEEL IN FRONT OF THE
QUEEN.
♪.
>> WE WANTED TO TELL YOU ABOUT THIS, A FISHERMAN HAS FOUND WHAT
THEY BELIEVE TO BE THE WORLD'S BIGGEST BLOB OF WHALE VOMIT.
AND GET THERE BECAUSE IT CONDITION TAINS A SPECIAL TYPE
OF ALCOHOL USED IN PERFUMES THE VOMIT BLOB IS WORTH OVER $3
MILLION.
SEE, I WOULDN'T EVEN THINK TO ASK THE VALUE OF IT.
I WOULD OOB LIKE OH, NEARLY STEPPED IT THAT.
LIKE APPARENTLY THE WHALE VOMIT IS SO VALUABLE BECAUSE IT
CONTAINS A TYPE OF ALCOHOL THAT IS USED IN PERFUME.
I DONE KNOW HOW THIS HAPPENED.
WHO IS TAKING WHALE VOMIT, EXTRACTING THINGS FROM IT, AND
GOING YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO, WE SHOULD PUT THIS ON OUR
WRIES AND A LITTLE BIT ON OUR NECK.
ALSO SAYS IT CAME A CLOSE-- HOW DO YOU EVEN GET IT APPRAISED.
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU'VE GOT-- WHEN YOU I HAVE GOT THE
WHALE VOMIT, HOW DO YOU KNOW TO GET THAT MONEY?
>> Reggie: I WOULD HAVE ASKED YOU.
>> THAT YOU DON'T KNOW SWRZ YOU DON'T KNOW.
>> YOU GOT YOUR FINGER ON THE PULSE SO IF NEITHER ONE OF US,
REGGIE?
>> James: DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU TAKE IT, DO YOU KNOW WHERE
YOU TAKE THE WHALE VOMIT TO GET IT APPRAISED.
GET THE MONEY FOR IT, A PRAWN SHOP.
(APPLAUSE) >> YEAH, YEAH.
>> James: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THERE.
IT-- I WASN'T EVEN RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT JOKE.
IT JUST WHOOSHED IN AND WHOOSHED OUT AND THAT, THAT IS WHAT YOU
GET AT 12:58 ON CBS.
HERE'S THE CRAZY STORY.
DESPITE ORGANIZE-- THEY TOOK EXTRAORDINARY SAFETY MEASURES
MORE THAN 41 PEOPLE HAVE TESTED APPROXIMATES TIFF FOR
CORONAVIRUS AFTER THEY ATTENDED A NEW ORLEANS SWINGERS
CONVENTION.
WHAT A SHOCK.
IT WAS A SUPERSPREADER SUPER SPREADER EVENT.
I ROV THIS, THE ORGANIZERS CLAIM THEY TOOK EVERY PRECAUTION
INCLUDING TEMPERATURE CHECKS, SOCIAL DISTANCING IN LINE AND
SANITIZING UPON CHECK-IN.
I DPES THEY JUST TORE GOT ABOUT THE ONE PART WHERE DOZENS OF
STRANGERS DECIDE TO HAVE SEX WITH EACH OTHER.
IT ENDED PRETTY BADLY.
DOZENS OF PEOPLE LEFT THE SWINGERS CONVENTION RIDDLED WITH
DISEASE AND SOME OF THEM ALSO GOT COVID.
(LAUGHTER) AND FINALLY, I DON'T KNOW IF I
CAN SWING.
I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO IT.
I DON'T KNOW IF I'VE GOT IT IN ME.
HAZA, ARE YOU INTO IT, WHAT?
>> I'M POINTING AT-- .
>> James: FROM WHERE I WAS SITTING, FROM WHERE I WAS
SITTING YOU WERE DOING THIS.
I NEVER NOTICED YOU WERE DOING THAT.
>> I WISH THAT WAS WHAT SHALL-- .
>> James: IF I HAD THE BODY AND PHYSIQUE OF GUILLERMO I
WOULD NEVER NOT BE SWINGING.
I WOULD SWING 2, 4, 7365.
BUT FOR EXAMPLE, YOU ARE THE REASON THAT I DON'T THINK I CAN
SWING.
BECAUSE IF IT ME AND MY WIFE AND YOU AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND, MY
WIFE'S LIKE YEAH, OKAY.
AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS LIKE, AH.
SHE'S DEVASTATED.
(LAUGHTER).
>> James: DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS, I END UP JUST WATCHING
ON EATING A CHEESE AND-- QUESADILLA.
I END UP SORT OF WATCHING ON LIKE GOING-- SHALL I, NO, I'LL
KEEP WATCHING.
HEY, GUILLERMO, GUILLERMO, NO,-- ALL RIGHT, COOL.
I THINK THAT IS WHAT SWINGERS DO.
(LAUGHTER) IS THAT WHAT THEY DO, DE AIR
MOW.
>> MY GIRLFRIEND'S PARENTS WATCH THIS SHOW.
RELIGE-- RELIGIOUSLY.
>> James: THEY DON'T KNOW THAT YOU ARE A COMMITTED SWINGER?
>> YEAH.
>> James: I DON'T THINK IT'S FOR ME.
I JUST DON'T HAVE, I DON'T HAVE THE CONFIDENCE THAT PETE'S GOT.
I DON'T HAVE IT.
THAT IS RINGING A BELL NOW, PETE, DIDN'T YOU GET BACK FROM
NEW ORLEANS LIKE THREE WEEKS AGO.
YEAH, BUT I WORE A MASK, IT WAS ALL FINE.