WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL.
THANKS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT IS--
WHAT IS IT?
WHAT WAS IT TODAY?
IT WAS LIKE 96 DEGREES OUTSIDE.
THANK YOU ALL FOR STANDING UP IN THIS HEAT AND BEING HERE
TONIGHT.
OF COURSE, IT MAY BE HOT OUT THERE--
( APPLAUSE )
STAY HYDRATED.
IT MAY BE HOT OUTSIDE, BUT IN HERE IT'S CHRISTMAS.
BECAUSE YESTERDAY, WE GOT THE PRESENT WE WANTED:
F.B.I. AGENTS RAIDED MAR-A-LAGO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SENTENCE AMERICA HAS EVER
PRODUCED.
IT'S RIGHT UP THERE WITH "WE PUT CHEESE INSIDE THE CRUST."
( LAUGHTER )
MONDAY MORNING, THE F.B.I.
EXECUTED A SEARCH WARRANT ON THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S OFFICES AND
PERSONAL QUARTERS.
I FEEL BAD FOR THOSE AGENTS.
"SIR, I FINISHED SEARCHING THE CABINET FULL OF EMPTY CHICKEN
BUCKETS.
WHERE SHOULD I GO NEXT?
PLEASE DON'T SAY THE BATHROOM.
PLEASE DON'T SAY THE BATHROOM."
SO WE KNOW THE RAID HAPPENED, BUT STILL WE'RE NOT SURE WHY THE
RAID HAPPENED, BECAUSE WE DON'T YET KNOW WHAT WAS IN THE
WARRANT.
THINK ABOUT THAT.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES,
OF AMERICA.
THE F.B.I. RAIDS HIS HOME, AND ALL WE CAN THINK IS, "HMM, I
WONDER WHICH OF HIS CRIMES THEY'RE INVESTIGATING."
( LAUGHTER )
HARD--
AT THIS POINT, AT THIS POINT, HE CAN'T KEEP TRACK.
"SIR, DO YOU KNOW WHY I PULLED YOU OVER?"
"LET'S SEE.
THE BODIES IN MY TRUNK?
THE METH IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT?
THE BACKSEAT FULL OF ILLEGAL SPIDER MONKEYS WHO DEFINITELY
GOT INTO THE METH?
NO?
OH, IT'S THE BUSTED TAIL LIGHT?
FAIR ENOUGH.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT THE OTHER STUFF."
APPARENTLY THE F.B.I. RAID IS PART OF AN INVESTIGATION
LAUNCHED BY THE NATURAL ARCHIVES AND THE RECORDS ADMINISTRATION.
THAT'S RIGHT, HE'S GOING TO GET TAKEN DOWN BY THE LIBRARIANS.
THEY'RE COMING FOR YOU, BABY!
THEY'RE ORGANIZED, THEY KNOW WHERE EVERYTHING IS, AND YOU
NEVER KNOW WHICH WAY THEY'RE COMIN' FROM, BECAUSE THEY'RE SO
QUIET.
( APPLAUSE )
THEY ARE SILENT BUT DEADLY.
( LAUGHTER )
BACK IN JANUARY, THE NATIONAL ARCHIVES DISCOVERED THAT WHEN HE
LEFT D.C. FOR MAR-A-LAGO, THE FORMER PRESIDENT TOOK 15 BOXES
FROM THE WHITE HOUSE THAT CONTAINED GOVERNMENT DOCUMENTS,
MEMENTOS, GIFTS, AND LETTERS.
LETTERS LIKE CORRESPONDENCE WITH NORTH KOREAN LEADER KIM JONG-UN.
AND MEMENTOS LIKE TED CRUZ'S BALLS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
JUST...
LITTLE... LITTLE... JUST...
HE CARRIES THEM IN AN OLD CROWN ROYAL BAG.
THERE YOU GO.
ALL THIS IS PERFECTLY INNOCENT ACCORDING TO FORMER SECOND FIRST
SON, ERIC, SEEN HERE SAYING, "WHO'S GOT TWO THUMBS AND THINKS
THIS IS ONE OF THEM?" >> LAST NIGHT HE SAID THIS ON
THE FOX NEWS: >> THEY WILL PROBABLY FIND A
NOTE FROM ME TELLING HIM HOW PROUD I AM OF HIM AND WHAT A
GREAT JOB HE WAS DOING AS PRESIDENT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( AS ERIC )
"HEY, F.B.I., DID YOU FIND MY NOTE TELLING MY DAD HOW PROUD I
AM OF HIM?
DID YOU FIND A NOTE OF HIM SAYING HOW PROUD HE IS OF ME
( LAUGHTER )
THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE!
AND IN HERE."
( LAUGHTER )
ERIC'S STORY ABOUT HOW THE FORMER--
( APPLAUSE )
WOW.
IT'S BEEN A LONG--
THERE WAS ONE INCONSISTENCY TO ERIC'S STORY ABOUT HOW THE
FORMER PRESIDENT LEARNED ABOUT THE RAID YESTERDAY MORNING.
SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT IT.
>> YOU WERE WITH YOUR DAD AS THIS WAS UNFOLDING?
>> I WAS.
IN FACT, I WAS THE GUY THAT GOT THE CALL THIS MORNING,
AND I CALLED MY FATHER AND LET HIM KNOW THAT IT HAPPENED.
>> Stephen: SO YOU WERE WITH YOUR DAD YESTERDAY MORNING AS IT
WAS UNFOLDING, AND YOU GOT THE CALL THAT IT WAS HAPPENING, SO
YOU CALLED HIM TO TELL HIM IT WAS HAPPENING?
FROM THE SAME ROOM?
( LAUGHTER ) ( AS ERIC )
"HOLD ON, IT WENT TO VOICEMAIL.
HE'S NOT PICKING UP.
DAD.
DAD, IT'S ME.
DAD, IT'S ME OVER HERE.
DAD, IT'S ME, YOUR SON, BUT NOT THE ONE YOU LIKE.
THE OTHER ONE.
I HAVE SOME TERRIBLE NEWS.
I'M IN THE ROOM WITH YOU."
NOW, WE LEARNED THE NEWS OF THE F.B.I. RAID STRAIGHT FROM THE
HORSE'S ASS, BECAUSE THE FORMER PRESIDENT POSTED THE NEWS ON
SOCIAL MEDIA: "THESE ARE DARK TIMES FOR OUR
NATION, AS MY BEAUTIFUL HOME, MAR-A-LAGO, IN PALM BEACH,
FLORIDA, IS CURRENTLY UNDER SIEGE, RAIDED AND OCCUPIED BY A
LARGE GROUP OF F.B.I. AGENTS.
NOTHING LIKE THIS HAS EVER HAPPENED TO A PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES BEFORE."
WELL, OF COURSE IT HASN'T!
NO PRESIDENT HAS EVER BEEN AS CRIMINAL AS YOU ARE.
AND I'M INCLUDING PRESIDENT EUSTACE T. STABBER.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERING )
TIPAKANOO, AND STAB YOU, TOO!
SO, MULTIPLE F.B.I. AGENTS SEARCHED THE ENTIRE PROPERTY,
EVEN GOT INTO HIS PERSONAL SAFE, WHICH PROMPTED THE FORMER
PRESIDENT TO WRITE: "WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
THIS AND WATERGATE, WHERE OPERATIVES BROKE INTO THE
DEMOCRAT NATIONAL COMMITTEE?" WELL, FIRST, WATERGATE WAS DICK
NIXON BREAKING THE LAW.
THIS WAS THE LAW BREAKING IN ON A DICK.
( LAUGHTER )
SECOND-- SECOND, WATERGATE WAS AN ILLEGAL
BURGLARY BY POLITICAL MERCENARIES CALLED "THE
PLUMBERS."
THIS WAS THE F.B.I. WITH A LEGAL WARRANT, SIGNED BY A JUDGE,
BECAUSE OF EVIDENCE OF PROBABLE CAUSE.
YOU MAY NOT LIKE IT, BUT IT'S HOW THE GOVERNMENT WORKS.
THE SAME REASON YOU DON'T HEAR 911 CALLS THAT GO:
"HELP!
I'VE BEEN ROBBED!
THE I.R.S. HAS BEEN STEALING SMALL AMOUNTS REGULARLY FROM ALL
OF MY PAYCHECKS!"
( APPLAUSE )
WHILE THE FORMER PRESIDENT-- WHILE THE FORMER PRESIDENT IS
UNDER FIRE, OUR CURRENT ONE IS ON A HOT STREAK.
BIDEN'S CLIMATE AND HEALTHCARE BILL JUST PASSED THE SENATE, GAS
PRICES--
GAS PRICES ARE DROPPING EVERY DAY, AND HE DONE BLOWED UP ONE
OF THE WORLD'S TOP TERRORISTS, AND THIS MORNING, HE SIGNED
LEGISLATION THAT BOOSTS DOMESTIC SEMICONDUCTOR MANUFACTURING,
CALLED THE CHIPS BILL.
WELL, THE INTERNET HAS TAKEN NOTICE, AND NOW THERE'S A NEW
MEME OUT THERE KNOWN AS "DARK BRANDON," WHICH SHOWS
A BAD-ASS BIDEN WITH SUPER-VILLAIN LASERBEAM
EYEBALLS.
( APPLAUSE )
A COOL ADDITION TO HIS OTHER SUPERPOWER: THE ABILITY TO SLOW
TIME WHILE TELLING A STORY ABOUT THE FIRE AT THE OL' SCRANTON
TAFFY FACTORY.
( LAUGHTER )
DARK BRANDON MEME FROM THE YOUTH: CONNECTICUT SENATOR
CHRIS MURPHY.
AFTER THE PASSAGE OF THE BILL, YOU TWEETED THIS IMAGE OF
PRESIDENT BIDEN.
( LAUGHING ) >> I'M NOT GOING TO TRY TO
EXPLAIN THAT MEME.
>> Stephen: AND YOU DON'T NEED TO, BECAUSE I GET IT.
YOU PASS A BIG BILL, YOU POST A DANK MEME.
REMEMBER, WHEN OBAMACARE PASSED, THE SENATE PARLIAMENTARIAN
TWEETED: "EHRMARGERHD AFFERHDERBLE
HEARTHCUR!" OF COURSE--
( APPLAUSE )
"DARK BRANDON" IS CO-OPTED FROM THE RIGHT-WING MEME "LET'S GO
BRANDON," A PHRASE THAT
BUT AFTER ALL THAT HE'S ACCOMPLISHED LATELY, IT'S MORE
LIKE: JOE BIDEN
( APPLAUSE )
JOE: HE'S MORE POWERFUL THAN EVER, FULL OF MYSTERIOUS DARK
ENERGY, AND NOTHING CAN STOP HIM.
EXCEPT MAYBE HIS JACKET, BECAUSE HERE HE IS YESTERDAY IN
KENTUCKY, STRUGGLING WITH THE WIND TO FIND THE OL' MR. ARM
HOLE.
IT'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU, JOE.
C'MON JOE, 110% YOU GOT IT.
PUT IT ALL ON THE FIELD.
YOU CAN DO IT, BUDDY.
NO, HE CAN'T.
IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE?
THERE IT IS.
THAT'S THE POCKET.
WHERE IS IT?
COME ON.
YOU CAN DO IT!
THERE'S MR. ARM HOLE.
JACKET BACK BETTER!
COME ON, BABY, BOOM!
( APPLAUSE )
THANKFULLY, THAT WAS THE END OF THE PRESIDENT'S ACCESSORY
TROUBLES, UNTIL TWO SECONDS LATER, WHEN THIS HAPPENED:
HE'S WALKIN', EVERYTHING'S COOL, WE RECOVERED FROM THE JACKET
OH!
AND THERE GO THE GLASSES!
"WHO HIT ME?
C'MON, SHOW YOUR FACE, JACK!
NO FAIR PLAYING TRICKS ON OL' PAPPY JOE. JILL?
JILL!
COME ON, BABY.
LET'S DO IT.
ALL RIGHT, THIS WAY.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE BEN STILLER AND D'ARCY CARDEN.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, SPACE NEWS!
COME ON!
COME ON, BUDDY!