But first I want to talk about Mother's Day which is Sunday.
[APPLAUSE]
Now, I am not a mother.
I don't have children.
I drink for other reasons.
[LAUGHTER]
But if you do have children, I'm sure that you're expecting
something nice this weekend.
Some of you will get it, and some of you
will get IOUs for a macaroni and cheese dinner somewhere.
Before the show, we asked audience members
to tell us the worst Mother's Day gift they ever received.
And the worst gift that they've ever given.
And if it was a secret, I'm so sorry,
because I'm about to share it with other people in the world.
OK.
This name is interesting.
Calasetta.
Oh, hi, Calasetta.
[LAUGHTER]
Hi, Ellen.
Oh, hi.
There's no need to lean down.
That mic will--
[LAUGHTER]
I'm used to it.
Little kids.
Yeah.
No, you don't need to.
Where do you live?
I'm currently living in Salt Lake City, Utah.
Wonderful.
OK.
You said, I'm a mother of eight, and one Mother's
Day my husband gave me an iron.
[LAUGHTER]
And she put iron in all caps, so she's angry.
[LAUGHTER]
And my Iron Man is here today.
[APPLAUSE]
Not to applaud for that item, though.
I know.
They're not applauding for him.
They're applauding--
[LAUGHTER]
Why are you applauding?
I don't know why.
So, why did you--
had you asked for an iron?
Did you not own an iron?
No, no, I mean I ironed his shirts every day for his work
with my eight children, so I guess
he decided I need more irons to keep up with the ironing.
[LAUGHTER]
Sir.
[LAUGHTER]
Stand up, sir.
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah.
What's your name?
Don.
Hi, Don.
OK.
What made you think that that would
be a wonderful, romantic, rewarding gift
for the mother of your eight children
who irons your shirts every day?
Uh.
[LAUGHTER]
I think she asked for an iron.
No.
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah.
I think she-- maybe to hit you with or something.
[LAUGHTER]
Now, have you made up for that since then?
Have you given her more--
how long ago was this?
We'll be married 30 years, so it was with it--
[APPLAUSE]
Yeah.
Wow.
You're hanging in there.
So when the children were younger.
I have to say that now he dry cleans all his shirts, so--
Yeah.
[APPLAUSE]
So now you don't have to iron anymore.
Good for you.
All right.
But you should make up for that.
You should give her something that she
likes, like whatever she wants.
I don't know.
What kind of thing do you want this year?
Ooh.
Yeah, he does owe me a cruise.
So he promised.
[LAUGHTER]
OK.
I don't know if that's coming.
All right, a cruise, and anything else?
Because you should say it here so we keep tabs.
[LAUGHTER]
Flowers and chocolates.
I'm happy with that, too.
All right.
Look at that, Don.
Flowers and chocolates.
That's easy enough.
All right, now sit down.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
Thank you, Don.
An iron, Don, come on.
[LAUGHTER]
Brooke.
Where's Brooke Tucker?
Hi.
How are you?
[APPLAUSE]
Hi, Brooke!
Hi, Ellen.
Where do you live?
I'm from Birmingham, Alabama.
OK, and you said the worst present you gave to your mom
were cups that say "Too bad bitching doesn't
burn calories."
[LAUGHTER]
I know, I know.
Well, my mom's here today.
Oh, wow.
Did she appreciate-- it's funny, but does she bitch a lot?
Is that the thing?
Well, I mean.
I don't know.
[LAUGHTER]
But I thought that she would either really laugh hard at it
or be really upset, and she laughed really hard,
so it turned out well.
And you like the cups?
Do you still have them?
Yes, I thought they were funny.
Yeah.
And if it was true, I'd be skinny, so.
[LAUGHTER]
Right, right.
Yeah.
Well, all right.
That's not bad.
You still have them, and you didn't mind that,
and you thought it was funny.
No, I thought it was hilarious.
She was crying she thought it was so funny.
Oh, good.
Well, so that's not so bad.
All right, thank you, Brooke.
Emily.
Where's Emily?
Illibari.
[APPLAUSE]
Hi.
Illibarri.
Emily--
Amy Lee.
And what is the last name?
Eulibre.
That's right.
[LAUGHTER]
All right.
You say, my ex-husband had my daughter give me
a pair of socks with a copy of Fifty Shades of Gray
stuffed inside.
And you say, "my ex-husband," so--
[LAUGHTER]
That would be why.
Yeah.
That's one of the reasons why?
One of them.
Yeah.
Do you still have the movie?
Yes.
Have you seen it?
Yes.
You like it?
Yes, I do.
OK.
[LAUGHTER]
All right.
Thank you, Amy Lee.
All right.
[APPLAUSE]
Corey.
Hi.
Hi, Corey.
Where do you live?
I live in Irvine, California.
All right.
I wanted to give my mom something sentimental,
so I painted one of her favorite photos of me and my sisters.
She pretended to love it, but it was a huge fail.
And you sent us the pictures, so we'll show everybody--
how old were you when you--
[LAUGHTER]
Ellen, I'm sorry to say, I was like 20, 22.
Oh.
[LAUGHTER]
I wasn't little.
I thought you'd be like 12 or something.
I know.
I promise I'm an artist, but this was a huge fail.
Oh, you are an artist?
[LAUGHTER]
Do they sell?
[LAUGHTER]
I do more characters, not portraits.
No more portraits.
All right, well, those are characters I think.
[LAUGHTER]
And my mom was kind enough to keep it
up hanging in her house for 10 years.
Wow.
I know.
That's love.
That's nice, or it's the best thing you've ever done.
I don't know what it is.
[LAUGHTER]
Which one are you?
In the middle?
I'm the one in the pink.
We're identical triplets, so.
OK.
All right.
[LAUGHTER]
You're identical triplets?
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah.
This gets better and better.
It does.
[LAUGHTER]
All right.
Well, I think it's fantastic, and I love
that she kept it for so long.
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much.
You and your moms deserve better,
so if I shared your story on TV, you're all getting an iron.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
Yep.
Yeah.
Yep.
Yeah.