HEY REG HOW WAS THE WEEKEND?
>> Reggie: IT WAS GOOD. I GOT TO PLAY ABOUT WITH MY
FRIENDS NICE AND GOON. >> James: I HAD THE WEIRDEST
WEEKEND. >> Reggie: WHAT DID YOU DO?
>> James: MY SON AND DAUGHTER, YOUNGEST DAUGHTER WAS
WITH US. THEY WENT TO A SLEEPOVER.
THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE. WHEN YOU HAVE THREE CHILDREN,
WHEN YOU ARE LEFT WITH ONE CHILD IT'S LIKE YOU GOT A PET.
IT IS LIKE THIS IS NOTHING. THIS IS NOTHING.
WE CAN GET HER TO SLEEP. OH LIKE WE CAN CATCH UP ON
EUPHORIA, TWO BEHIND, 9:00, PHONE RINGS, MAX HAS FALLEN DOWN
THE STAIRS AND HIS WRIST REALLY HURT, HIS ARM REALLY HURTS, I'M
IMMEDIATELY LIKE, HE'S FINE! HE'S FIEN!
AND I'M ON FACETIME, I'M TWO BEHIND ON EUPHORIA.
PICK HIM UP AND IS HE THAT BAD? HE'S LIKE I DON'T KNOW DAD.
IT DOES HURT. SO WE GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM
AND HE'S GOT A FRACTURE IN HIS WRIST.
HAS TO PUT A CAST ON. WE GO BACK BY THE TIME WE GO
BACK, NO ONE'S WATCHING EUPHORIA, NOT A CHANCE.
CARRIE COMES AS WELL. SATURDAY NIGHT, MY WIFE RUNS
OUTSIDE, WE'VE GOT TO GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM!
MY DAUGHTER CHARLOTTE HAS FALLEN OFF A SCOOTER AND SPLIT HER CHIN
OPEN. SO I SPENT FRIDAY NIGHT AND
SATURDAY NIGHT IN THE EXACT SAME EMERGENCY ROOM.
WITH THE SAME NURSES AND DOCTORS!
CHARLOTTE HAD TO HAVE NINE STITCHES IN HER CHIN.
ALL DAY SATURDAY I WAS WAITING FOR CHILD PROTECTION SERVICES TO
KNOCK ON THE DOOR. EVERYTHING OKAY HERE?
TALK TO THE KIDS FOR A LITTLE BIT BECAUSE TWO CONSECUTIVE
NIGHTS. AND I'M STILL NOT CAUGHT UP ON
EUPHORIA. >> YOU MISSED A GREAT SEASON
FINALE, HERE IS WHAT HAPPENED. >> James: I DON'T WANT TO
KNOW. I'M GOING TO CATCH UP THIS WEEK,
THAT'S THE PLAN BUT THANKS TO ALL THE LOVELY DOCTORS AND
NURSES AT THE HOSPITAL. THEY WERE ABSOLUTELY
EXTRAORDINARY. TRULY THEY WERE.
IT'S THAT TIME. IT'S TIME FOR THE NEWS.
♪ HERE IS JAMES WITH THE NEWS. ♪
>> James: OH MY GOD, WE ALL NEEDED THIS.
AND, OF COURSE, THE BIG NEWS IS WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE UKRAINE.
WELL, TODAY, UKRAINIAN AND RUSSIAN DELEGATIONS MET
AT THE BORDER OF BELARUS FOR THEIR FIRST DIRECT TALKS
SINCE RUSSIA INVADED LAST WEEK. UKRAINE DEMANDED AN IMMEDIATE
CEASE-FIRE AND WITHDRAWAL OF RUSSIAN TROOPS.
MEANWHILE, RUSSIA WAS LIKE "LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA..."
BELARUS IS THREATENING TO JOIN THE FIGHT ON THE RUSSIAN SIDE,
SO THIS WASN'T EXACTLY A NEUTRAL MEETING PLACE.
GOING TO BELARUS FOR PEACE TALKS WITH RUSSIA IS LIKE GOING TO
COUPLES THERAPY AT YOUR WIFE'S BOOK CLUB.
IF YOU AND I WERE TO HAVE A DISAGREEMENT WHERE WOULD WE HOLD
OUR PEACE TALKS? >> BENIHANA.
>> James: ABSOLUTELY CORRECT. >> I THINK THEY SHOULD HAVE
THEIR PEACE TALKS AT BENIHANA. WE'LL KEEP THE TROOPS IN UKRAINR
SHRIMP. >> James: VERY HARD, YOU'RE
ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. >> ALL OF A SUDDEN THE WORLD
SEEMS A LOT SMALLER IN A NICE WAY.
>> James: MEANWHILE. THE UNITED NATIONS
GENERAL ASSEMBLY MET TODAY TO DISCUSS THE MATTER IN AN
EMERGENCY SESSION. THIS IS THE FIRST TIME AN
EMERGENCY MEETING HAS HAPPENED AT THE U.N. IN FORTY YEARS.
I WOULD LOVE TO JUST NOT MAKE HISTORY FOR A WHILE.
LIKE IT'S ALL -- I'D BE HAPPY WITH NO NEW
WORLD EVENTS. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
(APPLAUSE) >> James: NOTHING JUST
NOTHING. I WANT TO TURN ON CNN AND SEE
THEM REPORTING LIVE ON RIHANNA'S PREGNANCY.
AND THIS IS TRUE, AMERICA KICKED TWELVE RUSSIAN DIPLOMATS OUT OF
THE UNITED NATIONS TODAY ACCUSING THEM OF ESPIONAGE.
HERE'S HOW THEY KNEW - THEY ASKED THE DIPLOMATS
"DO YOU KNOW WHY WE'RE KICKING YOU OUT?"
AND THE RUSSIANS WERE LIKE "YEAH, WE READ YOUR EMAILS."
COUNTRIES AROUND THE WORLD ARE CONDEMNING RUSSIA'S AGGRESSION.
EVEN SWITZERLAND, WHICH HAS FAMOUSLY MAINTAINED THEIR
NEUTRALITY FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS.
IN A STATEMENT EARLIER TODAY, SWITZERLAND JOINED THE EUROPEAN
UNION IN IMPOSING SANCTIONS ON RUSSIA.
YOU KNOW IT'S BAD WHEN YOU'RE GETTING SANCTIONS FROM THE
COUNTRY WHO, DURING WORLD WAR TWO, WAS LIKE, "YOU KNOW
IT'S REALLY NOT OUR PLACE TO TAKE SIDES HERE."
IMAGINE BEING SANCTIONED BY A COUNTRY THAT HAS BEEN NEUTRAL
FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS. IT WOULD BE LIKE TOM HANKS
TELLING A CHILD TO GO ( BLEEP ) HIMSELF.
AND SOME BARS AND LIQUOR STORES HERE IN THE UNITED STATES ARE
TAKING A SMALL BUT SYMBOLIC STEP, AS WELL -
THEY ARE REFUSING TO SELL RUSSIAN VODKA.
HEAR THAT PUTIN? HOW YA LIKE THEM APPLE-TINIS?
PEOPLE AREN'T BUYING RUSSIAN VODKA.
EVERY LITTLE BIT HELPS BUT IT'LL BE WEIRD WHEN ONE DAY
YOUR KID IS LIKE "DADDY, WHAT DID YOU DO TO HELP UKRAINE
DURING THE WAR?" AND YOU'RE LIKE, "SON, I REFUSED
BOTTLE SERVICE." IN OTHER NEWS, TOMORROW IS
PRESIDENT BIDEN'S STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS.
AND THINGS ARE GOING TO LOOK LIKE THEY'RE BACK TO NORMAL -
BECAUSE THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES JUST LIFTED ITS
MASK MANDATE, EFFECTIVE TODAY. THIS IS THE MOST EXCITING DAY
FOR HOUSE REPUBLICANS SINCE JANUARY 6.
(APPLAUSE) >> James: NO MASKS AT THE
STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS. I'M JUST TELLING YOU NOW SO YOU
WON'T BE SHOCKED BY MITCH MCCONNELL'S NEW PORN-STACHE.
THAT'S THE NEWS. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK EVERYBODY.