Translator: Mette Reitsma Reviewer: Peter van de Ven
When I ask you to listen to me,
and you start giving me advice,
then you're not doing what I ask of you.
When I ask you to listen to me,
and you start telling me that I can't feel the way I do,
then you're not taking my feelings seriously.
When I ask you to listen to me,
and you think you have to do something to solve my problems,
you're letting me down,
strange as that may seem.
So please, just listen to me and try to understand me.
And if you want to talk as well, kindly wait until I finish,
and I promise that, in turn, I will listen to you too.
These words could have been spoken by me as a child.
As a child, I felt neither heard nor understood.
Just like 70,000 other children
who are confronted with their parents’ divorce every year,
I am a child of divorced parents.
And I suffered from that divorce.
I am also one of those children
that has lost contact with a parent since that divorce.
I remember thinking, Who’s there for me?
Who can help me figure this out? Who can help me?
I felt so alone. I was so angry.
But above all else, I was very sad.
I was only 12,
and I had no idea how to cope with the situation between my parents.
My dream is that we create a world where no child needs to feel this way.
A world where every child feels heard and understood,
from as young as possible,
so we can find out early what goes on in a child’s mind
and can offer it support.
My parents separated when I was four or five years old.
That is when they were officially divorced.
Later they got back together for the sake of the children.
It turned out not a very good idea
because the same old tension was just as tangible in our home.
My parents lived separate lives.
There was silence at the table,
and my mother sometimes slept in my room.
A strange experience for a child.
It was obvious that something wasn’t right.
And what did I do?
I decided to make sure everything was running smoothly at home.
I behaved exemplarily,
I did my homework,
helped to tidy up our home --
as long as I wasn’t a burden to anybody.
When my parents eventually told me and my brother --
I was 11 years old --
that they would be separating again,
it didn't actually come as a surprise, because I had felt the tension.
I was very sad
but also felt a sense of relief:
Would our house finally be free from that continuous tension?
Would peace and quiet return?
Unfortunately, nothing could be further from the truth.
Things only became more restless.
It turned out there were lawsuits between my parents.
I found out about this at the age of 12 when I received a letter from a judge
that said I would get to have my say about the divorce too.
As a 36-year-old woman,
I can now see that my story could have been different
if only, when my parents got divorced, someone would have been there for me.
Someone who had stood by me, had listened to me,
but also someone who could have explained to me
what divorce was all about;
someone who had ample knowledge of how children think,
and who could have put my voice, thoughts and feelings into perspective
and explain them to my parents,
so I wouldn’t have had to do it.
Let me get back to my story.
As I mentioned, I received a letter from a judge.
To give you some legal background - after all, I am a legal expert -
children 12 years or older receive a letter from a judge,
asking them to express their feelings about the divorce -
about the parental authority, the permanent residency
and the visitation rights.
Difficult topics for children to give their opinion on.
The child may opt to come talk to the judge,
write a letter, or not react at all.
Often, it's their first official mail.
For me this was my first mail.
From a judge - would you believe it?
I didn't even dare to talk to my friends about this situation,
about what I really thought and felt, yet I was supposed to tell a judge?
I didn't dare. And I definitely didn’t dare to go there.
But I did think that the judge expected something from me,
in the sense that I had to solve this issue between my parents.
So I started writing down the emotions I was going through
and wrote a letter to the judge.
Nobody helped me with that letter.
Nobody told me what my thoughts and feelings meant,
considering the situation between my parents,
but also considering my age - I was 12!
Nobody explained the possible impact of my letter on the legal playing field.
And for years, I thought that my letter was the cause of everything
because my father eventually lost child custody.
And he chose to slowly disappear from my life.
Was that my fault?
Was it because of what I had written?
I had surely written that I really wanted to keep seeing both my parents
and that I wanted to live with both of them.
Was that why he no longer answered my calls or the letters I wrote to him?
Why didn't he want to see me again?
What did I do wrong?
Thoughts and feelings that overwhelmed me as a 12-year-old child
and that seeped into everything I did.
I had trouble establishing relationships
because someone to whom you commit may also leave again.
I started to focus on school, was eating less
and felt incredibly insecure.
My story is not unique.
It is the story of many children of divorced parents.
Not the full blueprint, of course, because every story is unique,
but parts of it.
And now, working as a professional with children caught up in a divorce,
they so often tell me how guilty they feel
and that they are afraid to tell their parents what they think and feel,
or that they feel responsible
and think they have to solve the issues between their parents.
In my opinion, we really don't actually listen to children enough.
I mean that we either don’t listen to children at all -
we simply ignore them -
or we only get them partially involved,
or we give them too much responsibility -
like when the child's wish becomes the decisive factor.
But children are not the ones who need to make the decision.
For me, listening to children means to take into account their opinions,
but that we also carefully consider what is in their best interest.
That can sometimes seem contradictory and needs to be explained to them.
Looking back at my own story
and especially considering those children
that have to deal with feelings of guilt and loyalty,
I started to wonder whether things could be done differently.
Would it be possible to involve children’s opinions
in a child-friendly manner?
That is why, in 2015, I started doing research
abroad and in the Netherlands,
and developed the role of Kindbehartiger - Child’s Voice Interpreter.
To show you things can really be done differently,
I want to share Marnix’ story with you.
Marnix is a nine-year-old boy. His parents are breaking up.
They were married and therefore bound to see lawyers.
One of the lawyers was familiar with the role of the Kindbehartiger
and asked the other lawyer
if he would be open to informing their clients about the Kindbehartiger
and ask permission from these parents for providing Marnix with someone
who could represent his best interests.
Both parents agreed,
so the lawyers were there for the parents and the Kindbehartiger for Marnix.
It was a deliberate choice to have several conversations with Marnix
so that he could voice his opinions well,
that guidance and explanations could be offered where necessary,
and to make him feel comfortable with the Kindbehartiger.
The child has to share its whole life story with you
and that takes time.
And together a report was made that reflected Marnix’ opinions
as well as the Kindbehartiger’s expert perspective and advice.
That report was issued to the court.
The judge took that report very seriously
because the parents had their own perspectives,
which was now complemented by Marnix' view and the advice of a professional.
Ultimately, Marnix' view was taken into account
and the recommendation was followed.
After the court session, we sat down with Marnix' parents
and looked at how to have a talk with Marnix,
to explain to him what had taken place during the session
and for him to ask his parents his questions.
And his parents could explain that he would never have to choose between them
and that they had made agreements and wanted to take into account
his opinion and how he felt.
I still remember Marnix during that conversation,
that cheerful face of a nine-year-old boy,
so proud to have voiced his opinion,
that he didn't have to feel guilty,
that he didn’t have to choose between his parents.
He said,
“I was so nervous; my heart was fluttering.
But, yeah, the divorce isn't that bad.
You are actually much nicer to each other,
and I can also go on holidays twice.
There are also advantages to it. ”
And Marnix’s expression made me realize that things could be different.
And if we listen to children, we can also learn from their story
because this is what children tell us:
"Listen to me, explain things to me, but don’t make me responsible.
Even after the divorce, I still need both my parents.
I can’t choose between my parents, even if sometimes it seems that I do.
Offer me support from someone who is there especially for me."
Hearing this ...
Dear parents,
suppose you are dealing with a divorce: be open to giving your child a voice.
Dear family members and bystanders,
offer a listening ear, but stay neutral,
do not choose the side of a particular parent.
Dear school,
stand up for those children who need support in the classroom
and whenever you see that it’s needed.
And especially, dear children,
know that there are people who really want to listen to you
and that your opinion matters.
Thank you!
(Applause)