- This movie is confusing as fuck man.
This is just James Bond doing a bunch of shit.
I don't know how the video game pulled it out,
but they did a fucking good job.
I'm Clayton English, and you're watching Dope Movies.
I smoke weed, then I give you a recap of the movie.
A lot of times it's better than the movie.
On this episode, we're watching Golden Eye.
Man Golden Eye, I guess it's called that
'cause it's the name of a satellite.
You got Pierce Brosnan playing this.
This mother fucker was in Mrs. Doubtfire.
You know how hard it was to watch the movie?
If you couldn't figure out Mrs. Doubtfire,
aw you suck as a spy.
All right man, so James Bond, you know
they start off they coming in hot.
It starts off, only James Bond can do it,
he's doing all the 90's shit,
bungee jumping, dirt biking,
whatever was on a Capri Sun commercial,
this is what they got James Bond doing.
He got a grappling hook, he shoots into the ground,
wheels his self in, sneaks in the shit,
kills the dude on the toilet.
(toilet flushing)
Goes out there, who does he see?
Double 06, didn't even know it was more Double Os.
John Beam plays him, and they got him down,
they about to shoot him in the head.
And he like, "Don't give him nothing, James."
And then they shoot him in the head, shoot Double 06.
Damn, dead.
We just met him, and he's already gone.
James Bond is mad about it,
but he manages to get out of there.
Did I mention we in a mountain?
Where the fuck is this?
It's a dam in a mountain with an airport on it.
It's got a mall, what else it got?
Claire's, everything is at this dam.
If he was black,
James Bond wouldn't have got to do none of this shit man.
The minute he jumped off the bungee shit,
they woulda arrested him at the bottom.
"What are you doing up here?"
(police sirens)
James Bond gets white privilege man,
he get British privilege, which is a whole other level
'cause they act like they smarter than us,
they just as stupid as we are.
They just say it better.
(upbeat music)
So next thing you know,
(laughter)
that was a strong hit.
10 years later, James Bond racing in a Aston Martin
around a little windy road,
he got a lady in the car with him
and his car is special man.
The latest in modern technology.
James Bond got a fax machine in his car.
(explosion)
Fax machine?
The movie's about a god damn satellite
and you gave him a fax machine in his car?
So we see James Bond at the casino,
the Russian lady, Xenia, that's her name,
she introduces herself.
"I'm Xenia."
Oh, like the warrior princess.
She probably evil, 'cause the next time you see her
she having sex with a dude, and the dude kinda old.
(grunting)
And I was like uh, this nasty.
Really, it's 'cause her legs are so strong
that she crushes dudes with her legs.
She's enjoying it, like she does this for fun.
So meanwhile, we go to some Russian hacker base
and that's where Golden Eye is, I think.
Next thing you know, Xenia and the god damn general
from the General Insurance commercial,
his name's Vladimir Fluggen Floggen.
What is, I don't know man.
I don't know these Russian names.
This shit is hard man.
They got letters we don't even use.
What the fuck is an O with a line through it?
Is that a sideways P?
They show up and they not fucking around.
They come in, they shooting people and they like,
"Hey, aim the Golden Eye satellite
and test it right here."
Boom, explosion happens.
Xenia and the general get away.
A lot of people say that's a lose plot point,
oh shit, no it's not.
It makes sense to me,
that's the only shit that made sense.
James is in Russia, he just touched down off the plane,
he flew commercial.
Who does he meet there?
The strong anaconda leg lady and god damn Double 06.
And James he's like, "Oh I thought you was dead."
But his face burnt up and shit.
He's like, "I bet you did think I was dead."
Flew out in the airplane, you left me there,
you got shot in the head, I though you was dead!
Shit, what happened now?
I remember most of this movie through the video game.
You play with your friends, you know?
You had to have little rules.
No odd job, you can get yours if you want to,
put the rules on, rockets only,
now we just blowing up everything.
That was the best thing about this movie, man.
That they gave us that god damn game.
Oh, I forgot.
James Bond hops in a mother fucking tank.
He's sticking his head out like a god damn bobble head.
He got one of them super cuts, one of them Fantastic Sam's.
You know them haircuts that all white men
was aspiring to have in about 93?
You getting that god damn Pierce Brosnan,
Mrs. Doubtfire haircut.
So this is the final scene,
we got Double 06 versus Double 07.
(explosion)
James Bond does the most petty shit
I ever seen anybody do in life.
He kicks the dude off the satellite,
then he grabs him, the dude's looking up and he was like,
"You saved me for the queen."
And he was like, "No, for me."
And then he throws him off, and I'm like,
"That was so unnecessary."
I know they talked about a black James Bond.
I would love to be in a James Bond movie.
I'd be one of the bad guys that falls
because James Bond shot in my direction.
Man look, James Bond ain't even shot the gun yet.
I almost said James Brown, that would be a different movie.
I would watch the fuck out of Golden Eye
starring James Brown.
- Let me see!
(shouting)
You saw my gun!
Get on the ground!
(shouting)
Yo, the song gone be fire.
♪ Golden Eye ♪
♪ I got the Golden Eye ♪
And that's Golden Eye.
I found out James Bond is the worst spy ever,
horrible human resources problem
for any company he works for.
And there you have it.
That's another dope movie.
(upbeat music)
Sean Bean dies in everything.
I'm pretty sure his calls are like,
"Hey man, we got a movie for you."
He like, "Who gone kill me?
What?
Brad Pitt gone kill me?
Oh shit yeah, I'm in."