I saw you on Jimmy Kimmel the other night.
And--
I was on last-- that's right, the other night, yes, I
hear you.
I get you.
[LAUGHTER]
Yep.
I see what you're saying.
See?
I'm with you.
All right.
So-- I think you're high.
How many nights ago?
[LAUGHTER]
Two nights ago.
I'm really not.
And you proposed to Beth to marry you again.
Here's what happened.
I'm very good friends with Jimmy--
[AW-ING]
Yeah.
My wife is there.
I'm very good friends with Jimmy Kimmel.
And I like him.
In fact, he even gets me to go on vacation
every once in a while.
So we were in Tennessee.
And we went on vacation in Tennessee.
And I said to him, it's unbelievable.
I have proposed to my wife--
we've been married now 11 years.
But within the last two or three years, I said,
I really do love this woman so much.
She really has my back.
It's a great marriage, I'm happy like you and Portia--
maybe even happier than you and Portia.
I hear you guys fight.
[LAUGHTER]
Do you guys fight?
No.
Yes you do.
No we don't!
You want to hear something crazy?
Believe this or not.
I actually text with Ellen.
Every once in a while, we text each other.
And it's very sweet.
And the other day, I was texting Ellen.
And then, it wasn't you.
It was Portia.
Right.
It turns out-- listen to this.
And I think this is crazy.
Portia and Ellen share the same texts and the same email.
No--
Yes you do.
No, we don't.
We have different texts--
Then how was she on your text?
She was next to me.
And she wanted to talk to you.
So she took my phone.
Oh.
We don't--
[LAUGHTER]
I thought you guys had really gone off the deep end.
No, we don't have the same text or email.
Anyway--
But here's the point.
I'm very-- I was talking--
You're high.
Yes.
[LAUGHTER]
I was talking to Jimmy at this place in Tennessee.
It was a resort.
And I said, watch this.
I'm going to propose to my wife in front of everyone.
There was about 10 people at the table.
She will say no.
And, in fact, I did.
I proposed.
And she said, I'm not getting remarried.
It's bad luck, whatever it is.
So I go on Jimmy's show.
And I thought it would be funny if I proposed to show him
how she will turn me down.
Right.
And I got on one knee.
And I said, darling, I love you.
And it was going to be great.
It was going to get big laughs when she turned me down.
And she said yes.
She was--
[LAUGHTER]
Right.
I don't know why.
That ruined the bit.
So here's what I thought.
When I saw that, I thought, that's so sweet, Beth.
And you're such a wonderful person.
You rescue all these kitties and find homes for them.
Yeah, she's a saint.
And what can I do for you, Beth?
And here's what I want to do.
I have someone here that I got ordained today
to be able to marry you right now.
And I know you're both fans of The Bachelor.
So ladies and gentlemen, Colton is--
Colton!
[APPLAUSE]
[MUSIC - BRUNO MARS - "MARRY YOU"]
(SINGING) 'Cause it's a beautiful night.
I'm looking for something fun to do.
Hey, baby, I think I'm going to marry you.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
Wait a sec!
Hold it!
First of all, hi, Colton.
Hi, Colton.
First of all, let's just say something right off the bat.
Colton's got to get a job.
Yeah, you're good looking.
You're hot.
We're going to think about it.
I'm not going to force this on you.
We'll think about it.
And we come back, they will be getting married.
We'll be back.
What is going on, is what I want to say.
All right, so somehow--
What is happening?
It almost didn't happen.
Beth wanted an attorney.
She wanted to redo the prenup.
And I said, no, we don't have time.
And they've agreed.
So now we're getting remarried.
And Colton is--
Let's just wait a second.
Let's talk about a few things.
She just said yes!
Yes, I'm into-- listen, I want to remarry my wife.
I'll do it every day.
Colton, I like you.
You're muscular.
You're handsome.
I think you're a good choice to marry us.
First of all, Beth and I think are Bachelor nation.
We are.
[CHEERING]
Our favorite show.
I'm not messing around.
We only have four minutes here.
Hold on.
Who cares.
Listen, you'll fix it in edit.
But you, I have a bone to pick with you.
What happened?
Because you're one of those people-- and you
should say this in front of Colton.
Every time I watch, you say, oh, you know,
I do watch The Bachelor.
But I'm kind of forced into watching The Bachelor.
Admit you love watching The Bachelor.
I don't always love it.
Bachelor in Paradise, I'm very into Bachelor in Paradise.
Me too.
Yes.
Some Bachelors are better than other Bachelors.
I like this Bachelor a lot.
Colton was crying a little too much
on the Bachelor in Paradise.
Got to be a man.
Suck it up!
Everybody cries.
All right, let's get-- you're Jewish.
Let's get a glass for somebody.
What do you?
You see-
Jewish?
Yeah.
I'm Jewish?
Aren't you?
Oh, all right.
That's right, I am Jewish.
All right, tell me what I do with this.
Honey, I first want to say, I'm so honored.
Four minutes.
All right, I'll be quiet.
Can I just say this?
Could you leave?
You're ruining my wedding.
[LAUGHTER]
Howard is so romantic.
He is the most romantic man.
Every day, he tells me how beautiful I am.
Yes, I do.
He knows I'm very insecure.
And every day, he tells me he wants to remarry me.
And I didn't know I was part of a bit,
that I was supposed to say no yesterday.
No, no, no, of course not.
I'm learning that for the first time today.
So do you want to marry me?
I still want to marry you.
And I vow to you, if you remarry me,
I promise for the rest of my life
to watch The Bachelor with you in bed every single night,
and Bachelor in Paradise.
Oh, that's beautiful.
Get married.
OK, get married.
What do we do?
Come on, Colton!
This is your big moment!
Showbiz, pal.
Let's do this.
So Howard do you promise to honor Beth and love and cherish
her as long as you both shall live?
Yes, yes, I do.
You're supposed to look at me, not him.
He's so handsome.
I can't help it.
He's like, "I do."
And Beth, do you promise to honor Howard and love
and cherish him as long as you both shall live.
I do.
Thank you, my love.
And so, by the power vested in me,
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
What power is vested in you?
I'm ordained.
This is my new job.
OK.
Howard, you kiss your bride.
Thank you.
Oh!
[APPLAUSE]
[MUSIC - "WEDDING MARCH"]
More with Howard after this!
Ready?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Hi, I'm Andy.
Ellen asked me to remind you to subscribe to her channel
so you can see more awesome videos,
like videos of me getting scared, or saying
embarrassing things, like ball peen hammer, and also
some videos of Ellen and other celebrities, if you're
into that sort of thing.
Ah!
Oh, [BLEEPED]!
God!
[BLEEPED]