HOLD ON JUST ONE SECOND,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M
JUST GOING TO FIX MYSELF A
CUP OF COFFEE HERE REAL
QUICK.
AND, HMMMM, HMMMM, HMMMM,
HMMMM, TEPID.
NOTHING BEATS PROP COFFEE.
YOU SEE, LIKE A LOT OF
PEOPLE, I WAS UP YESTERDAY
WATCHING THE SECOND
REPUBLICAN DEBATE ON CNN.
THE DEBATE STARTED LAST
NIGHT ABOUT 8:00 P.M. AND IT
ENDED-- DID IT END YET?
>> WE'RE STILL IN THE FIRST
BLOCK BELIEVE IT OR NOT.
>> Stephen: OH, I BELIEVE IT.
HMMMM, HMMMM, HMMMM, OH, YOU
REQUEST REALLY TASTE THE
RED.
NOW FOLKS, I DON'T BLAME
JAKE TAPPER FOR STRETCHING
IT OUT.
LAST NIGHT CNN GOT THEIR
BEST RATINGS-OF-OF ALL TIME.
AN IT'S ALL BECAUSE NO ONE
PUMPS YOUR NUMBERS LIKE REAL
ESTATE MOGUL AND MY DEAR
FRIEND WHO I LOOK FORWARD TO
MEETING RIGHT THERE ON
SEPTEMBER 22nd, DONALD TRUMP.
AND, AND PEOPLE LOVE HIM AND
IN THE SPIN ROOM AFTERWARDS
DONALD HAD A COGENT ANALYSIS
OF LAST NIGHT'S EPISODE OF
AMERICAN NINJA DEBATER.
>> WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED
AFTER TONIGHT?
>> WELL, I'VE LEARNED THAT I
HAVE NO TROUBLE STANDING FOR
THREE HOURS.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Stephen: IT IS IMPRESSIVE
THAT HE COULD STAND THROUGH
THE ENTIRE THING.
I COULD BARELY SIT THROUGH
IT.
ONE REASON, ONE REASON IT
WAS SO LONG WAS BECAUSE OF A
RULE INSTITUTED BY CNN THAT
EVEN IF YOU WEREN'T ASKED A
DIRECT QUESTION, IF YOUR
NAME WAS MENTIONED BY ANY
OTHER CANDIDATE, THEN YOU
GOT TO SPEAK NEXT.
AND IF AT THAT POINT YOU
MENTIONED ANOTHER CANDIDATE,
THAT OTHER CANDIDATE GOT TO
SPEAK RIGHT AFTER YOU.
SO A LOT OF THE DEBATE FELT
LIKE THIS.
>> MS. FIORINA I WANT TO
START WITH YOU.
>> I THINK MR. TRUMP IS A
WONDERFUL ENTERTAINER.
>> RAND PAUL SHOULDN'T EVEN
BE ON THIS STAGE.
>> SENATOR PAUL.
>> GOVERNOR CRISTIE.
>> CARLIE.
>> SENATOR RUBIO.
>> MR. TRUMP.
>> I AGREE WITH WHAT CHRIS
IS SAYING.
>> I KNOW.
>> JEB IS A FRIEND, DONALD
TRUMP.
>> ABRAHAM LINCOLN.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Stephen: THIS DEBATE WENT
SO LONG THAT EVIDENTLY EVEN
THE CANDIDATES MINDS
STARTING WANDERING, FOR
INSTANCE, AND THIS IS TRUE,
AT 10:12 PEOPLE WHILE HE WAS
ON STAGE DEBATING JEB BUSH
JOINED VINE.
(LAUGHTER)
VINE, OF COURSE, POSTS
VIDEOS OF ONLY SIX SECONDS
OR SLIGHTLY LONGER THAN
SCOTT WALKER WAS ALLOWED TO
SPEAK LAST NIGHT.
OF COURSE, THE PERSON WHO
SPOKED LONGEST WAS DONE ALD
TRUMP.
AND THE PERSON SPEAKERING
SECOND LONGEST WAS PEOPLE
TALKING ABOUT
DONALD-- DONALD TRUCH.
>> I THINK THERE IS A
SOPHOMORIC QUALITY THAT IS
ENTERTAIN BEING MR. TRUMP
BUT I AM WORRIED HIS
VISCERAL RESPONSE TO ATTACK
PEOPLE ON THEIR APPEARANCE,
SHORT, TALL, FAT, UGLY, MY
GOODNESS, THAT HAPPENED IN
JUNIOR HIGH.
ARE WE NOT WAY ABOVE THAT.
>> MR. TRUMP?
>> I NEVER ATTACKED HIM ON
HIS LOOKS, AND BELIEVE ME,
THERE'S PLENTY OF SUBJECT
MATTER RIGHT THERE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A GOOD
DIG BY A MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE
A MICROWAVE CIRCUS PEANUT.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Stephen: LIKE A HONEY
GLAZED TIGER TESTICLE.
LIKE A CATHETER BAG FULL OF
CANDY CORN.
SEE YOU ON THE 22nd, SIR.
BUT CLEARLY, CLEARLY LAST
NIGHT THE BREAKOUT STAR WAS
FORMER HEWLETT-PACKARD
C.E.O. AND FUTURE STARFLEET
CAPTAIN CARLEE FIORINA.
OH YEAH.
OH, SHE WAS TOUGH.
I WOULD NOT WANT TO BE A
ROMULAN MEETING HER IN THE
NEUTRAL ZONE.
YOU ARE AWARE THAT THE
ROMULAN'S HAVE A NEUTRAL
ZONE BETWEEN THEIR EMPIRE
AND THE FEDERATION.
LOOK IT UP.
OKAY.
THIS WOMAN LAST NIGHT
BROUGHT IT AND CRUSHED IT
AFTER AN ADMITTEDLY SLOW
START.
YOUR OPENING STATEMENT, MISS
FIORINA
(LAUGHTER)
>> GOOD EVENING.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
NOW IN HER DEFENSE,
EVERYTHING FROM HP DOES TAKE
A LITTLE WHILE TO WARM UP.
(LAUGHTER)
BUT NOT EVERYONE-- NOT
EVERYONE CAME OUT LOOKING AS
GOOD AS MISFIORINA.
WE LEARNED SOME SHOCKING
NEWS LAST NIGHT ABOUT ONE.
CANDIDATES.
>> I THINK ONE OF THE GREAT
PROBLEMS AND WHAT THE
AMERICAN PEOPLE DON'T LIKE
ABOUT POLITICS IS HYPOCRISY.
PEOPLE WHO HAVE ONE STANDARD
FOR OTHERS AND NOT FOR
THEMSELVES.
THERE IS AT LEAST ONE
PROBLEM PROMINENT EXAMPLE ON
THE STAGE OF SOMEONE WHO
SAYS THEY SMOKED POP IN HIGH
SCHOOL.
>> Stephen: YEAH TO BE A
NARC, RAND.
EXCUSE ME, UH, UH, EXCUSE ME
MR. TAPPER ONE OF MY
COMPETITORS IS A DOPER.
OH, AND YOU FORGOT TO GET
HIS HOME-- GIVE US HOMEWORK,
SIR.
COME ON!
WELL, SO WHO BURNED DOWN,
OFFICER BUZZ SHACKLER.
>> DO YOU WANT TO IDENTIFY
THAT PERSON.
>> THE THING IS --
>> HE WAS TALKING ABOUT ME.
>> YEAH, I WANT TO MAKE IT
EASIER FOR HIM.
AND I JUST DID.
>> GOVERNOR BUSH.
>> SO 40 YEARS AGO I SMOKED
MARIJUANA AND I ADMIT IT.
>> Stephen: JEB BUSH SAY POT-
HEAD.
OH, THAT-- THAT EXPLAINS A
LOT.
HE ISN'T LOW ENERGY, HE'S
BAKED.
GOVERNOR KUSH, PUT DOWN THE
SPLEEF.
NOW I KNOW WHY THERE WERE SO
MANY PEOPLE ON THAT STAGE
THIS WASN'T A DEBATE, IT WAS
AN INTERVENTION.
WE LOVE YOU, JEB, AND WE
JUST WANT TO HELP YOU.