WELCOME, WELCOME, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
HAPPY FIRST DAVE SPRING.
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU MADE IT TO A BLIZZARD TOMORROW, I THINK, IN
NEW YORK?
OH, HEY, DOES ANYBODY HERE USE FACEBOOK?
( CHEERS ) STILL?
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE THE COMPANY IS REELING
FROM REVELATIONS THAT THEY ALLOWED THE PRIVATE INFORMATION
OF 50 MILLION AMERICANS TO BE HARVESTED BY THE TRUMP
CAMPAIGN'S CONSULTING FIRM CAMBRIDGE ANALYTICA.
CAMBRIDGE ANALYTICA, BY THE WAY, ( BOOING )
YEAH, I KNOW.
CAMBRIDGE ANALYTICA, BY THE WAY, ALSO THE SCIENTIFIC NAME FOR
JOHN OLIVER.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, IF YOU'RE CLASSIFYING HIM.
STICK HIM ON I PAIN IN YOUR COLLECTION.
NOW, CAMBRIDGE ANALYTICA GOT ALL THIS DATA FROM A
PERSONALITY QUIZ, WHICH CLAIMED TO BE FOR RESEARCH PURPOSES.
BUT IT ACTUALLY HARVESTED PSYCHOLOGICAL DATA AND GOT
ACCESS TO SOME DATA ON THE USER'S FACEBOOK FRIENDS,
WHICH EXPLAINS THAT FUN QUESTION, "IF YOU WERE YOUR
FRIENDS' CREDIT CARD NUMBER, WHAT WOULD YOU BE?"
NOW, PEOPLE ARE BLAMING FACEBOOK FOR THIS BECAUSE THEY HANDED
OVER ALL YOUR DATA WILLINGLY.
IT'S LESS LIKE THEY'RE A BANK THAT GOT ROBBED AT GUNPOINT AND
MORE LIKE A BANK THAT JUST GAVE BANK ROBBERS YOUR MONEY BECAUSE
THAT'S THEIR BUSINESS MODEL.
BUT NOW YOU CAN'T QUIT THE BANK BECAUSE YOUR WHOLE FAMILY IS AT
THE BANK AND, ALSO, THE BANK IS WHERE YOU GET TO SEE IF YOUR
HIGH SCHOOL FRIENDS GOT FAT.
( LAUGHTER ) A LITTLE BIT.
NOW, AFTER THIS REVELATION YESTERDAY, FACEBOOK'S STOCK
VALUE DROPPED BY $36 BILLION.
OR, AS THE STORY WAS REPORTED ON YOUR NEWSFEED, "FACEBOOK'S
SHARES TANK THANKS TO HILLARY PIZZA SEX RING!
#BENGHAZI."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, IT SEEMS LIKE NOW WOULD BE
A GOOD TIME FOR SOME DAMAGE CONTROL FROM FACEBOOK C.E.O. AND
GUY WHO WANTS YOU TO PLAY A COMPLICATED BOARD GAME HE
INVENTED, MARK ZUCKERBERG.
FACED WITH A SCANDAL OF THIS MAGNITUDE, ZUCKERBERG RELEASED A
POWERFUL DENIAL SAYING...
>> WOOOO!
AND AND FACEBOOK IS NOT THE ONLY COMPANY IN TROUBLE.
BRITISH 4 AIRED HIDDEN CAMERA FOOTAGE OF CAMBRIDGE ANALYTICA.
, TODAY THEY AIRED PART TWO OF THEIR EXPOSAY, AND NIX EXPLAINED
HOW IT ALLITIZE BACK TO THEIR WORK WITH MR. TRUMP.
>> HAVE YOU MET MR. TRUMP?
>> MANY TIMES.
WE DID ALL THE SEARCH, ALL THE DATA, ALL THE ANALYTICS, ALL THE
TARGETING.
AND OUR DATA INFORMED THE STRATEGY.
>> Stephen: WOW, SO IT WAS THEIR METICULOUS DATA AND
ANALYTICS THAT CREATED THE STRATEGY, WEAR HAT, YELL ABOUT
WALL."
AND SOME OF THE 2016 GREATEST HITS.
>> THE BRAND WAS, "DEFEAT CROOKED HILLARY."
CROOKED HILLARY, AND THE "O" "O"s OF CROOKED WERE A PAIR OF
HANDCUFFS, AND IT WAS ALL ABOUT SHE BELONGS BEHIND BARS.
>> AND YOU HAVE CREATED THIS.
>> Stephen: WAIT, WAIT, THEY MADE UP "CROOKED HILLARY?"
COMING UP WITH DEMEANING NICKNAMES WAS THE ONE SKILL WE
KNEW TRUMP HAD.
WAIT, WHAT OTHER-- YOU CAN'T TAKE THAT AWAY-- YOU CAN'T TAKE
THAT AWAY FROM THE MAN.
>> WHAT OTHER SUPPOSEDLY TRUMPY THINK DID THEY DO.
WE SPLICED BABOON D.N.A. WITH A BOTTLE OF CANOLA OIL AND THEN
CALLED IT ERIC.
MR. BOND.
AND UNLIKE HILLARY, THEY MADE SURE NOT TO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH
EMAILS, BECAUSE NIX SAYS THEY USED A SYSTEM CALLED
"PROTONMAIL" THAT LET THEM COVER THEIR TRACKS.
>> WE SET OUR PROTONMAIL EMAILS WITH A SELF-DESTRUCT
TIMER.
>> RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT, OKAY.
>> SO THAT YOU SEND THEM, AND AFTER THEY'VE BEEN READ, TWO
HOURS LATER, THEY DISAPPEAR.
>> THEY DISAPPEAR.
OKAY, OKAY.
>> AND YOU CAN DO THE SAME.
SO THEN THERE'S NO EVIDENCE, THERE'S NO PAPER TRAIL.
THERE'S NOTHING.
>> Stephen: NO EVIDENCE, NO PAPER TRAIL-- NOTHING!
WHICH IS EXACTLY THE THING YOU DO WHEN YOU'VE DONE NOTHING
TO HIDE.
SAME REASON WHEN I LEAVE A HOTEL ROOM I WIPE DOWN THE PLACE FOR
PRINTS AND USE AN ULTRAVIOLET LIGHT TO MAKE SURE THERE'S NO
SIGN OF ALL THE BLOOD THAT WAS NEVER THERE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THEY ALSO EXPLAINED THEIR
APPROACH TO THE POLITICAL CANDIDATES WHO HIRE THEM.
>> THE CANDIDATE NEVER-- IS NEVER INVOLVED.
HE'S TOLD WHAT TO DO BY THE CAMPAIGN TEAM.
>> SO THE CANDIDATE IS THE PUPPET?
>> ALWAYS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.
THE CANDIDATE IS ALWAYS THE PUPPET, WHICH MEANS THEY'RE THE
ONES WHO TOLD TRUMP TO SAY THIS.
>> NO PUPPET, NO PUPPET.
>> IT'S PRETTY CLEAR-- >> YOU'RE THE PUPPET!
>> Stephen: WOW, HE'S A GREAT PUPPET.
THAT'S A REALLY OBEDIENT-- >> Jon: WOW!
>> Stephen: REALLY GOOD PUPPET.
SINCE HE'S A PUPPET, NO WONDER HE HAS TO USE TWO HANDS TO PICK
UP A GLAZ OF WATER.