There are many ways
to keep warm in winter, you know.
One way is to take Air Force One down to Florida every weekend.
The other is to stay in Washington
and get grilled on the Sunday shows.
And this weekend's shrimp on the barbie
was top White House official
and Sméagol in a suit, Stephen Miller,
who is the subject of tonight's Profiles in Tremendousness.
I have the most dedicated people.
I have the best people.
Meet Stephen A. Miller.
If you're wondering why his face looks familiar,
it's probably because you see him every time
you take off your socks.
(laughter)
Black people, black people, you can ignore that joke.
But that's not the only remarkable thing about him.
He's one of Donald Trump's most important policy aides.
He's only 31 years old,
but he's worked in professional politics
for his whole adult life.
He was an aide to Jeff Sessions when he was a senator.
Then he went to work for Donald Trump's campaign
where he was Trump's chief speech writer.
Oh, okay, I don't know if that last part is something
I would put on my resume.
Like, speech writer for Donald Trump
is not something you can brag about
when the guy says bing-bing, bong-bong in his speeches.
Yo, like, I-I was, like, bing-bing is too much.
And I was, like, bing-bong-bong, bing-bing-bong-bing.
Now, now, before his career in politics,
Miller was widely hailed as the least popular kid
at Santa Monica High School.
This is all true.
And, uh, maybe it had something to do with the fact
that as a kid in high school, he reportedly made fun
of minority students who had trouble with English,
hated the fact that there was a club
for gay people at his school,
and he was even a dick to janitors.
So yesterday when he made his Sunday show debut,
it was nice to see that, like most of your friends
from high school, not only had Miller not changed,
he's gotten worse.
On issue after issue, we're taking forceful action
to deliver on the president's campaign promises
on a breathtaking scale.
President Trump is displaying the strength of America
to the whole world.
Our opponents, the media, and the whole world will soon see,
as we begin to take further actions,
that the powers of the president to protect our country
are very substantial and will not be questioned.
All I was waiting for at the end of his interview
was lightning and an evil laugh.
But-but not like a, not like a villain laugh,
just like a basic henchman, you know?
The cheesy guy on the side, mwa-ha-ha-ha.
Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha, mwa-ha.
Our leader will not be questioned.
Mwa-ha-ha-ha, mwa-ha-ha-ha, mwa-ha-ha-ha.
(coughs)
Allergies.
Quick question, what's up with "will not be questioned"?
What does that mean?
Sounds less like an argument and more like a line
from
I will not be questioned.
(mimics whip lashing)
By the way, the president will be questioned.
Because that's sort of how America works.
You know, as the Ninth Circuit Court said last week,
checks and balances, beyotch.
(cheering and applause)
But you could tell right away why Miller is a Trump guy.
Because he has the rare ability
to fully commit to an outlandish lie.
President Trump again this week
suggested in a meeting with senators,
that thousands of illegal voters were bussed
from Massachusetts to New Hampshire.
Do you have that evidence?
I can tell you that this issue of busing voters
in to New Hampshire is widely known
by anyone who has worked in New Hampshire politics.
-Do you have any evidence? -I'm saying anybody...
Talk to anybody who's worked in politics there for long time.
This is such a high school tactic
for trying to defend a lie,
Becky is the biggest slut ever.
You can ask, like, anybody.
Do you have proof?
Yeah. Like, you ask, like, anybody.
The only problem is when you do actually ask, like, anybody...
Take a listen to Fergus Cullen.
He's a former state Republican chairman of New Hampshire.
The idea that people are coming to New Hampshire to commit fraud
on a massive scale like this is just preposterous,
and it needs to be called out as untrue.
That's right.
Take it from Fergus Cullen--
these allegations are (bleep).
And I know Fergus is not a liar,
because if he were a liar,
the first thing he'd lie about is his name.
My name is Fer... James.
Anyone who introduces himself as Fergus is an honest man.
Here's another thing we learned about Stephen Miller.
You won't like him when he's angry.
I mean, he won't change physically, unfortunately,
but he really ratchets up the dick.
-Do you have any evidence? -and if this is an issue...
If this is an issue that interests you,
then we could talk about it more in the future.
Just for the record, you provided absolutely no evidence.
I'm prepared to go on any show, anywhere, anytime
and repeat it and say the president of the United States
is correct, 100%.
Any show, anytime, any t...
I will go on
say the president is right.
And that his weave is much better than any of theirs.
You want a piece of me, Kenya? Bring it on.
Bring it on NeNe, bring it on! Bring it on.
Anywhere, anytime.
Anytime. Bring it on.
And just like that,
Stephen Miller became a made guy in the Trump gang.
Because, you see, his Sunday show appearance
wasn't designed to persuade anyone or argue about facts.
It was about pledging allegiance to an audience of one.
And it worked.
Because immediately after his appearance,
Don Trump tweeted, "Congratulations,
"Stephen Miller, on representing me this morning
on the various Sunday morning shows. Great job!"
You know what the saddest thing is?
Sean Spicer has been waiting for that tweet his whole life.
AUDIENCE: Aw!
Yeah, and now everyone thinks he's a girl.