- Can you picture, like a really religious Jewish wigger?
Like can you imagine what that looks like,
just like black accent, but also like playing a fiddle
or whatever.
(audience laughing)
(hip hop music)
(crashing)
(hip hop music)
(crunching)
- Welcome to This is Not Happening Presents
World of Blunder.
If you've never been to the show before,
it's just a bunch of comics telling fun stories
about real shit that happened.
Ladies and gentlemen, my friend and yours,
Mr. Moshe Kasher everybody.
(audience applauding)
- Thank you everybody.
Hi everybody.
So I am a Jew, I'm a Jew.
- [Audience Member] Yeah!
- Makes that guy in particular very upset.
Literally what the Nazis were thinking about.
(audience laughing)
I couldn't be--
please, not like this.
(audience laughing)
Just come from back here.
I'm a Jew, and that pisses some people off sometimes.
So, look, listen.
People sometimes can't separate the Jew from the Israel.
And like, I get it on a certain level you know,
Israel's a strange place and it's got some strange policies.
There's problems in Israel way beyond
the Palestinian conflict.
There's problems because everyone else in Israel
is a fucking Jew, can you imagine what that
society seems like?
Just, I mean, okay, I'll give you an example.
I went to Israel to do comedy.
And there's a comedy club in Jerusalem called
the Off the Wall Comedy Club.
Get it?
Cause there's like a big wall there or whatever.
(audience laughing)
And I went and here's the thing
about the Off the Wall Comedy Club.
It's run by a guy named David Klimnick
who is the self-styled king of English-speaking
stand-up comedy in Jerusalem,
which to be fair is an incredibly small kingdom.
(audience laughing)
It's a very tiny little kingdom,
and mostly his clientele is like, American students
who went to Israel, their parents sent them to seminary
to like get their shit together,
cause they were into drugs but also they're super religious.
Can you picture like a really religious Jewish wigger?
Like can you imagine what that looks like?
(audience laughing)
Just like, black accent but also playing a fiddle
or whatever.
(audience laughing)
So that's their main clientele
at the Off the Wall Comedy Club or whatever.
And his rule is, because it's all these religious people,
is you can't swear at all.
No swearing.
And you can't do anything dirty.
You gotta be super squeaky clean.
So okay, at the time, my closer,
I had one closer,
and you need a closer as a comedian, and my closer was this,
it was actually also a travel story.
It was a story about when I went to France.
I went to France, and it goes like this.
I only knew two phrases in the entire French language.
The truth is I knew one phrase, but I thought,
at the time, that I knew two.
Like the one I had down pat was "Parlez-vous Anglais?"
That's super important that means,
"You speak English?"
Which is how you should say it if you ever
have a chance to go to France,
it makes them feel very loved and respected
if you talk to em like that.
"Hey, you speak English?
"Hey!"
They like it.
But the other phrase I thought I knew,
but it turns out I didn't know so well was,
"Oh, no parlez-vous Francais."
Which I thought meant, "Oh, um, I don't speak French."
But that actually means, "Oh, uh, you don't speak French."
(audience laughing)
And the French were like super not into that at all.
Be in a store like, "Jacques, how much for this baguette,
"brie beret thing you got over here?"
(nonsense noises)
(audience laughing)
You don't speak French.
(audience laughing)
"Excusez-moi Monsieur, parlez Francais."
(nonsense noises)
Okay, WTF dude, you don't speak French.
Fucking cut that shit out!
"Sacre-bleu Monsieur, parlez Francais."
You don't speak French, you French faggot!
(audience laughing)
But then I had to ask myself,
Dude, why are you so angry and homophobic?
You can't talk to people like that, man,
you can't call people faggot in France.
It's pronounced fag-ette.
(audience laughing)
Alright, so that's the joke okay?
That was my big closer at the time,
but I couldn't tell it because it's got that big f-bomb
at the end of it, so I had to think of a clean
version of the joke.
So I came up with this, which I was pretty proud of.
I came up with, "You don't speak French,
"you French piece of crap."
But you can't say that, man.
You can't call people piece of crap in France.
It's pronounced, crepe.
(audience laughing)
Which okay, it's a little softer,
but fuck you for the judgment.
(audience laughing)
I was pretty proud of it.
It's a bread to bread conversion,
they're both carb based punchlines.
Do you understand how sophisticated
a substitution that is?
I was super proud of it.
So I get out onstage at the Off the Wall Comedy Club,
you piece of crap, crepe, they laugh.
David Klimnick comes up to me after the show,
people love it, you know, I'm doing so well.
People are throwing their yarmulkes in the air,
like everybody,
(audience laughing)
they're super into it.
Klimnick comes up to me after the show,
I was like, "What do you think, Buddy?"
He's like, "Yeah, it was good, it was good.
"You can't say crap at my club."
I go, "Crap?
"You should have heard the original punchline,
"it was faggot!"
And he goes, "Oh, no, no, faggot's okay, faggot's okay."
(audience laughing)
I don't know, somewhere in his weird religious mind,
that was okay.
So that's a thing about Israel that has nothing to do
with the conflict, but sometimes people can't help
but conflate Israel and the conflict.
And I understand, but also, I'm not,
okay, I went to Australia after that trip.
I went to Australia to do comedy.
I get off, the pick us up at the airport,
and it's me and Hannibal Burress,
who's a black comedian, that's important only
for the punchline of this story.
Which is, that the woman picks us up,
and she's like, "Oh, blah."
I don't do voices.
(audience laughing)
But she's like, "Eh, g'day" or whatever.
(audience laughing)
And we're, me and Hannibal are like,
"What's up with eating kangaroos,
"that's what we're about, we're Americans,
"we want to know about eating kangaroos,
"that's all we need to know about."
And she's like, "Oh it's great, mate.
"You know, eat it, because kangaroo is lean protein,
"and also it's good for the environment
"to eat the kangaroo because we've wiped out
"their natural predators."
And me and Hannibal were like,
"Oh, really what's that?"
She's like, "the Aborigines."
(audience laughing and booing)
- Oh, the human being group?
The human-ass beings?
Okay, yes, okay, fair enough.
So I go do my shows, and I do a lot of Jew references
and this dude comes up to me after one of the shows,
and he's like, kind of like a little hip-hop fella,
but Australian, you know what I mean, so kinda like,
"Get out of here, you don't know what you're talking about."
(audience laughing)
And he's like, he walks right up, and he's like,
"So you're Jewish, huh?"
Which is already the end of the conversation.
Like when somebody approaches you with,
"So you're Jewish, huh?" you're done.
Either, there's two options.
He's really into Jews, in which case,
fucking why?
(audience laughing)
Or he's like really not into Jews, which is what happened
and is not a person that I wanna have a chat with.
And he's like, "Yeah, yeah, you're all into Judaism,
"you were like big-upping it during your set."
I go, "Big-upping it?
(audience laughing)
"Like as in reggae, is that what you're talking about?"
And he just keeps going, and I'm like,
"Dude, I don't want to talk to you."
Finally he breaks, "What about Israel?"
"And the policies with the Palestinians?"
I'm like, "Buddy, they never check in with me
"about those at all."
(audience laughing)
"They almost never, I would go a different direction
"but they have not called yet."
(audience laughing)
And he just keeps yelling at me,
and I'm just, of course, he's Australian,
so mentally I'm far beyond him,
(audience laughing)
so I'm going, I'm able to win the argument.
Finally he just screams,
"I hope there's a second Holocaust
"and they kill all of you, you greedy bastards!"
At which case I feel like I've won the argument,
I'm not sure, but I feel strongly
when someone screams for a second Holocaust
the Jew has won.
(audience laughing)
He leaves, he storms off, his girlfriend's like,
"I'm so sorry."
And I say something like, "This is how I'll always
"remember Australia" or whatever.
(audience laughing)
Like she's gonna take that to her dusty grave
with her or whatever.
(audience laughing)
In the outback.
(audience laughing)
So the next day, I come to the club,
and the manager pulls me aside,
the manager of the club.
And he's like, "Dude, I got a story to tell you.
"We got a phone call today from a young man
"who said that he lost his wallet in the club last night
"and he wanted to come down to see if he could find it.
"He comes down, it's the fucking guy, it's little Hitler,
"it's the guy!"
(audience laughing)
It's little hip hop Australian Hitler,
he comes to the club, he's searching, he's searching,
Goes up to the manager and says, "Dude, I can't find it."
And the manager starts laughing at him.
And the guy goes, "Why are you laughing at me?"
And he just smiles and goes, "Karma's a bitch."
So I say, "Give me his email address."
Cause he left his email address in case they found it,
and I wrote him an email that said,
"My dear sir, if there's anyone,"
there was $400 in the wallet, that's why he was so upset.
I write, "My dear sir, if there's anyone
"who so truly acutely understands the deep loss
"you must feel from losing $400, it is me, the Jew."
(audience laughing)
Thank you guys a lot!
(audience applauding)
(hip hop music)
- Moshe Kasher everybody!
Moshe Kasher!
That's the story, thanks Mosh for doing it,
that was really cool.
So last week I asked you to post your best DJ names,
from Braunohler's story.
And you did, and here's some cool ones that I saw.
Next week, I'm gonna ask you,
because Moshe wasn't allowed to use the words
fuck and shit, I want you guys to give me the best
non-curse words curse words, or even new curse words
that I don't even know about.
Say what they mean, say where they come from.
And I'll read em all, and I'll post the best ones
up here next week.
Click on the Reddit link to join the discussion
for this episode, follow me on Twitter,
and if you're gonna hashtag anything on Twitter,
hit This is Not Happening so we can all follow it.
Diaz next week, everybody, Joey Diaz.
See you next Tuesday.
(electronic music)