THANKS SO MUCH, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY-- THANK YOU
VERY MUCH.
VERY NICE.
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY HERE IN NEW YORK, NEW YORK, THE BIG CITY OF
DREAMS, BUT THERE IS A MASSIVE HEAT WAVE OUT WEST.
TODAY, IN LAS VEGAS, THE FORECAST WAS A RECORD 117--
WORN 17-- ALSO THE AVERAGE AGE OF PEOPLE AT THE NICKEL SLOTS.
AND TODAY, TEMPERATURES ARE EXPECTED TO REACH 127 DEGREES IN
DEATH VALLEY.
BUT, BUT, IT'S A DRY DEATH.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S SO HOT, IT'S SO HOT, THAT
THE CARTOON SUN FROM THE WEATHER REPORTS IS STAYING HOME IN THE
AIR CONDITIONING.
THE TEMPERATURE IN PARIS, FRANCE, TODAY IS A RECORD 36
DEGREES CELSIUS, WHICH IS...
HOT?
I DON'T KNOW.
IS IT HOT?
I'M BEING TOLD IT'S HOT.
IT'S ALMOST 100 DEGREES IN REAL TEMPERATURE.
IN FACT, I THINK WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF AN AVERAGE PARISIAN TODAY.
THE TEMPERATURE IS SO HIGH IN PHOENIX, ARIZONA, THAT FLIGHTS
ARE BEING CANCELLED BECAUSE IT'S TOO HOT FOR PLANES, BECAUSE AT
HIGHER TEMPERATURES, THE AIR HAS A LOWER DENSITY, WHICH REDUCES
HOW MUCH LIFT IS GENERATED.
SCIENTISTS FIRST REALIZED THIS WAS A PROBLEM WHEN THEY SAW
BIRDS TAKING THE BUS NORTH FOR SUMMER.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S ADORABLE.
THAT'S KIND OF ADORABLE.
FORGET RISING SEA LEVELS AND DROUGHTS.
THIS COULD BE THE DISASTER THAT FINALLY CONVINCES SKEPTICS THAT
CLIMATE CHANGE IS REAL: A LAYOVER IN PHOENIX.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW WHO'S REALLY FEELING
THE HEAT?
>> Jon: WHO THAT?
>> Stephen: MR. SEAN SPICER.
SPICY.
HE'S FEELING THE SPICY HEAT.
AT YESTERDAY'S PRESS BRIEFING, NOT ONLY DIDN'T SPICER NOT ALLOW
CAMERAS.
HE ALSO PROHIBITED AUDIO RECORDINGS.
IT'S A BIG CHANGE FROM HIS USUAL PRESS BRIEFINGS, WHERE ONLY
INFORMATION IS PROHIBITED.
YES.
SHHH!
NO, NO, NO, NO.
LOVELY, LOVELY PEOPLE.
( APPLAUSE ) LOVELY PEOPLE.
THEN WHEN ASKED WHY JOURNALISTS COULD NOT RECORD THE BRIEFING,
SPICER SAID, "THERE ARE DAYS WHERE WE DECIDE THAT THE
PRESIDENT'S VOICE SHOULD BE THE ONE WHO SPEAKS FOR THE
ADMINISTRATION."
YOUR WHOLE JOB IS SPEAKING FOR THE ADMINISTRATION!
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S LIKE CHEF BOYARDEE
WHEN WE DECIDE THAT PEOPLE SHOULD MAKE THEIR OWN CANNED
RAVIOLI."
NOW, WHEN A REPORTER THEN TEXTED STEVE BANNON TO ASK WHY THE
BRIEFINGS WERE OFF CAMERA, BANNON RESPONDED, "SEAN GOT
FATTER."
OH!
( APPLAUSE )
OW!
THAT IS A LOW BLOW FROM A GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE HE'S EITHER GOT
THE MEAT SWEATS OR IS SWEATY MEAT.
AND INTRODUCING A CONE OF SILENCE ISN'T THE ONLY CHANGE TO
WHITE HOUSE PRESS BRIEFINGS, BECAUSE IT'S BEING REPORTED THAT
SEAN SPICER MAY BE OUT AS PRESS SECRETARY.
WHAT?
WHY?
WHEN?
SEAN, I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!
IF YOU GO, WHO WILL NOT ANSWER THEM?
( LAUGHTER ) LAUZ.
( CHEERS ) THEY LOVE YOU!
LISTEN TO THE PEOPLE!
SEAN!
>> Audience: SEAN!
SEAN!
>> Stephen: SEE WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO MISS?
LAUGH AND, SUPPOSEDLY, SPICER ISN'T
ACTUALLY BEING FIRED.
HE'S BEING PROMOTED TO WHITE HOUSE COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR,
WHICH MEANS HE'S "LEADING A SEARCH FOR HIS OWN REPLACEMENT."
OKAY, LET'S SEE HOW THAT GOES.
"BILL, I SEE YOU'RE APPLYING FOR THE JOB OF WHITE HOUSE PRESS
SECRETARY.
WHY DO YOU WANT THE JOB?" "I'LL HAVE TO GET BACK TO YOU ON
THAT."
"YOU'RE HIRED!
( APPLAUSE )
REPORTEDLY, REPORTEDLY SEAN SPIEWSER HAS REACHED OUT TO A
SHORT LIST CANDIDATES, INCLUDING FOX NEWS
CONTRIBUTOR LAURA INGRAHAM AND "DAILY MAIL" EDITOR DAVID
MARTOSKO.
AND BOTH ARE EXCELLENT CHOICES BECAUSE WHEN ASKED ABOUT THE JOB
BY REPORTERS, INGRAHAM DECLINED TO COMMENT, AND IN A PHONE CALL,
MARTOSKO SAID "I CAN'T HEAR YOU," AND THEN HUNG UP.
YES.
"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" THEN CLICK.
THEN, WHEN ASKED TO COMMENT IN PERSON, MARTOSKO SAID, "I CAN'T
SEE YOU," AND RAN INTO TRAFFIC.
( LAUGHTER ) HELLO!
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THIS MORNING, LAURA INGRAHAM
DID TALK TO THE FRIENDLY FRIENDS AT "FOX & FRIENDS," AND SHE MADE
IT CLEAR THAT THE JOB DIDN'T EXCITE HER.
>> I'M NOT SURE IF THAT'S THE ROLE THAT I WOULD PICK FOR
MYSELF.
YOU KNOW, I HAVE A LEGAL BACKGROUND.
>> Stephen: WELL, IF YOU HAVE A LEGAL BACKGROUND, YOU'D
BE PERFECT!
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE ASKED WHEN JARED WILL BE ELIGIBLE FOR
PAROLE.
( LAUGHTER ) IN FACT, THERE MAY NOT BE JUST
ONE REPLACEMENT BECAUSE, APPARENTLY, THE WHITE HOUSE WAS
CONSIDERING ROTATING A CAST OF PEOPLE AT THE PODIUM, "IN PART
TO PREVENT THE PRESIDENT FROM GROWING BORED OR ANGRY WITH HIS
PRESS SECRETARY."
"LOOK, I CAN'T STAY MAD AT YOU IF YOU'RE OUT OF MY SIGHT FOR A
COUPLE OF MINUTES.
BECASUE I LACK OBJECT PERMANENCE."
( LAUGHTER ) ED" WHERE THE BALL GO?
THE BALL WENT BEHIND THE COUCH.
THE BALL IS GONE!" >> Jon: RIGHT.
>> Stephen: "YOU EVER PLAY THAT PEEKABOO GAME?
IT'S TERRIFYING."
EARLIER TODAY, SPICER HELD A BRIEFING THAT WAS RECORDED AND
ANSWERED QUESTIONS ABOUT WHY HE'S SO SCARED TO ANSWER
QUESTIONS.
>> I THINK THE BRIEFING IS ONE ASPECT OF WHAT WE DO.
WE'RE HERE REALLY EARLY IN THE MORNING AND REALLY LATE AT
NIGHT, AVAILABLE TO ALL OF YOUR QUESTIONS.
>> Stephen: YES, LATE AT NIGHT HE'LL ANSWER ALL YOUR QUESTIONS
ON "SPICER AFTER DARK."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
THAT IS AMAZING.