JUST GIVE ME A SECOND.
I'M GOING TO TAKE MY PILLS FOR
THE THING THAT IS FINE.
AND WHY SHOULDN'T IT BE FINE?
I'M TAKING PILLS FOR IT.
THESE DAYS, THERE'S A PILL FOR
EVERYTHING.
SOME OF OUR
GREATEST PHARMACEUTICAL ADVANCES
HAVE COME IN THE SCIENCE OF
BONEROLOGY.
TODAY, WE CAN GIVE A 91-YEAR-OLD
MAN SITTING OUTDOORS IN COLD
BATHWATER AN ERECTION THAT WILL
LAST FOR SIX HOURS, OR THE REST
OF HIS LIFE, WHICHEVER COMES
FIRST.
AND THANKS TO A NEW SCIENTIFIC
BRAK THROUGH, WOMEN MIGHT TIMELY
CARE.
>> WHAT'S GOT EVERYBODY TALKING
THIS MORNING?
FEMALE VIAGRA.
IT'S ON ITS WAY.
>> THE FDA APPROVING THE LITTLE
PINK PILL FOR THE VERY FIRST
TIME.
>> THE PILL IS CALLED
FLIBANSERIN.
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT,
FEMALE VIAGRA.
IT'S CALLED FLIBANSERIN--
COMBINING "F" FOR FEMALE,
"LIB"-- AS IN LIBIDO-- AND
"ANSERIN,"-- AS IN, ANSWERIN'
THE PRAYERS OF ALL THOSE OLD MEN
WITH PETRIFIED WOOD.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
IT'S ALL THANKS TO THE
PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANY SPROUT.
NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE
CHILDREN'S CABLE CHANNEL OF THE
SAME NAME, WHICH IS WHAT KIDS
CAN WATCH WHILE GAMMY AND PEEPOP
GET IT ON.
( LAUGHTER )
NOW, PERSONALLY, I WAS UNAWARE
THAT WOMEN EVER HAD TROUBLE WHEN
IT COMES TO SEXUAL SATISFACTION.
ALL THE WOMEN I'VE EVER DATED
TOLD ME THE AMOUNT OF SEX THEY'D
HAD WAS SUFFICIENT.
( LAUGHTER )
THEY DEFINITELY DIDN'T NEED ANY
MORE.
I DON'T MEAN TO BRAG, BUT ONE
DOSE WOULD HOLD THEM FOR YEARS.
BUT APPARENTLY, SOME WOMEN
SUFFER FROM WHAT PHARMACEUTICAL
COMPANIES HAVE DECIDED TO CALL
"HYPOACTIVE SEXUAL DESIRE
DISORDER," WHICH THEY CLAIM IS A
REAL THING AND NOT JUST
THE NAME OF MY 1970s ELECT
FRURCHG CONCEPT ALBUM.
TO TREAT THAT CONDITION,
FLIBANSERIN INFLUENCES THE LEVEL
OF SEROTONIN AND DOPAMINE IN THE
BRAIN, HELPING WOMEN WHOSE LACK
OF SEXUAL DESIRE IS "NOT
ATTRIBUTABLE" TO RELATIONSHIP
TROUBLES.
( LAUGHTER )
SO IT'S PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO'S
IN A HAPPY, SEXLESS MARRIAGE.
AND IT WORKS!... ISH.
BECAUSE WOMEN WHO TOOK
FLIBANSERIN IN CLINICAL TRIALS
REPORTED TWO TO THREE OF WHAT
THEY DEFINED AS "SEXUALLY
SATISFYING EVENTS" PER MONTH.
THAT'S AN INCREASE OF "ONE EVENT
PER MONTH MORE THAN FOR WOMEN
WHO GOT A PLACEBO."
THOUGH FAR FEWER THAN WOMEN WHO
SKIPPED THE STUDY AND WENT TO
SEE "MAGIC MIKE XXL."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE WHOLE THING IS DEPRESSING.
OF COURSE, BOTH SUBJECT GROUPS
REPORTED LESS SATISFACTION THAN
PATIENTS WHO WERE GIVEN ECSTASY
AND RELEASED INTO A BOUNCY
CASTLE.
BUT THIS DRUG, THIS DRUG RIGHT
HERE IS A GODSEND FOR WOMEN
SUFFERING FROM LACK OF SEXUAL
DESIRE.
ONE OF THE WOMEN WHO TOOK
FLIBANSERIN REGAINED HER LIBIDO
DESPITE HER FULL-TIME JOB AND
SIX KIDS.
HMM, I DUNNO WHY SHE HAS LOW
SEXUAL DESIRE.
DID SHE TRY HAVING A SEVENTH
KID?
POINT IS, DATE NIGHT IS BACK ON,
LADIES!
POUR YOURSELF A GLASS OF WINE,
THEN POUR IT DOWN THE SINK.
BECAUSE IF YOU'RE TAKING
FLIBANSERIN, YOU CANNOT DRINK.
( LAUGHTER )
AND SINCE IT'S A DAILY PILL,
THAT MEANS TOTAL ABSTINENCE FROM
ALCOHOL.
BECAUSE NOTHING GETS YOU IN THE
MOOD LIKE STARING AT YOUR
LONGTIME PARTNER, STONE COLD
SOBER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT DESPITE POTENTIAL DRAWBACKS,
SPROUT PHARMACEUTICALS FEELS THE
DRUG HAS ACHIEVED ITS DESIRED
EFFECT.
SPECIFICALLY, HELPING THEM SELL
THEIR COMPANY FOR $1 BILLION.
SO AT LEAST WE KNOW THESE FOLKS
ARE FULLY AROUSED.