Hey, Mat Boggs here and today we’re going to talk about why guys can act so hot, so
interested, so into you one moment and then go completely cold the next – why a guy
can be pursuing you and then the next minute, he totally vanishes.
And if you’ve ever experienced this, I know how frustrating it can be, and not just frustrating,
but this kind of mixed message where you’re getting a totally into you message and then
a not into you message, it can be confusing and frustrating, and if you like this guy
it can leave you feeling like, “What the hell?
You know, what did I do wrong?
And you were so into me one moment and now you’re not.”
Barring that you didn’t go completely drama mama on him or you didn’t explode and yell
and fight and scream and scratch and do something that would have exploded or caused the relationship
– I’m trusting that you didn’t do anything like that, which is why you’re confused
– you’re wondering, “Why did he just go cold or disappear?”
Well, there’s actually a very good and clear reason for this.
There’s a reason why men do this.
I’m not saying it’s a reason you’re going to like, but you’ll understand it
once I explain it.
So to understand this principle, you first have to understand what are the main drivers
of men?
A man’s sense of self-worth comes from his sense and his ability to provide happiness
for you.
So oftentimes for many men, when they start dating a women, they want to feel validated
that they are a good partner.
The way they feel validated is by pleasing you.
And so often, men will take you to the finest places, men will be Mr. Romance, he’ll me
Mr. Chivalry, he’ll me Mr. Wine and Dine, he’ll be funny, he’ll be charming and
all in an effort to make you happy, to deliver happiness for you because that’s self-validating
for him.
That increases his sense of self-worth and it validates himself as a viable romantic
partner.
Now remember, your ability to tune into how you feel about him as a partner and the relationship
in general is much more adept.
The emotional area of your brain is eight times the size of the emotional area of his
brain.
There are a couple of great books written – The Male Brain and the Female Brian by
a neuroscientist and she said a woman’s ability to understand how she feels is like
the autobahn: an eight-lane super highway.
You get down the road super-fast on how you feel about a relationship.
A man’s ability to understand how he feels is like a two-track wagon wheel trail where
he’s pushing himself down the relationship road discovering how he feels about you and
the relationship.
In the meantime, he’s doing everything he can to validate himself as a worthy partner,
making you happy, going the extra mile, delivering to you the things that you want.
And then if he comes to this realization, “You know what?
I’m just not feeling it with this girl.
You know what?
I don’t really see this being long-term,” then at that moment, he can vanish while he’s
discovering if he likes you.
If he can be Mr. Romantic, Mr. Chivalry, if he can take you out to a nice place, if he
can make you happy, then this validates his sense of self-esteem and self-worth.
And if he can do it better than another guy, then he becomes special in that moment and
every man wants to feel like he has outdone his competition.
So if he’s able to make you laugh, he’s able to make you smile, he’s able to bring
you joy and have a great time, all the while discovering if he likes you, this sets up
the challenge and the problem because if he discovers at the end of that that he doesn’t
want to move forward, therein lies the mixed message.
And it gets worse because the same drive to make you happy, the same drive to provide
what you want is also the same drive that causes emotionally immature men, we’ll say,
to avoid having a direct conversation with you because, as I’ve said before, men would
rather have their arm chewed off by an alligator than to do something that would make you cry
or to be a disappointment in your eyes.
Being a disappointment in a woman’s eyes is like kryptonite to a man’s self-esteem,
so what they’ll do is instead of having that direct conversation, they’ll just vanish.
And another reason that they do this is because it also, in the back of their mind, whether
it’s real or not, they think that that leaves the door open for coming back and they want
to leave that possibility open just in case they made a mistake.
So I’m not saying it’s right, I’m not saying it’s good, but I am saying it does
happen and that’s often the motivation.
A man wants to feel like he’s doing a great job, he wants to keep the door open if he’s
not sure if you’re a long-term partner.
And so he’ll do a great job and then vanish and go try to pursue someone that he does
feel like he has a long-term shot with with someone else.
So the question becomes what do you do if you’re in a situation where you’ve had
a guy who had been hot on you, pouring attention into you, and now he’s withdrawn, gone cold,
or vanished?
What do you do?
There’s three steps that will help you shift your experience of what’s happening when
you face a guy like this and that can help change the results that you’re getting.
Step number one: remind yourself of the truth.
Remind yourself that there is absolutely a great guy who will adore you, who will be
into you, who will be consistent and congruent with the kind of life, the kind of relationship
that you want to have.
So remind yourself that, yes, this is out there.
This is possible for you.
In fact, this is your destiny, to be in that kind of relationship.
And step number two: release, don’t resist.
This guy has just shown you who he is.
He’s just fallen away from your life.
Celebrate that, release that.
Don’t resist what’s happening because by him falling away from your life, that’s
actually creating an opening for the right guy to move into your life.
This brings me to step number three.
Step number three is to generate gratitude.
Now, hold on.
I know you might be thinking like, “Generate gratitude?
Why would I be grateful for this guy?
He is an asshole, right?
Or he is a complete jerk or whatever.”
Well, here’s the key here.
Generate gratitude because gratitude puts you on a different vibration of love.
Like attracts like, so if you start to resent him and resent that situation, what the world
will bring you is more situations to resent.
But if you shift to, “What can I be grateful for in this situation?”
it puts you on a completely different vibration and the world will bring you more things to
be grateful for.
So you might think, “I can be grateful for the few dates that we did have that were amazing.
Those were amazing adventures that we did have and we had a lot of laughs and a lot
of great times.
I can be grateful for him cutting out of my life at this point without dragging it on
for six months or a year and then him deciding that I wasn’t a good partner for him.
So him freeing me to find my real men when he did, I’m grateful for that.
I could be grateful for all the things that I learned throughout that process,” that
has helped you become the person that you are today, the person who is ultimately the
right fit for the right guy at the right time when you’re meeting him.
There’s a lot that you can be grateful for, so ask yourself that question: “What can
I be grateful for in this moment?”
and allow that to fuel your forward movement in creating something new in your life.
So let’s recap.
Remind yourself of the truth: your man is on his way.
Release, don’t resist, so you can create an open space to receive him.
And then gratitude.
What are you grateful for?
Generate that gratitude so that when your man does come into your life, you’re not
cold, bitter, closed off, resentful, but you’re actually grateful for all the amazing things
that’s happened in your life that have brought you to this moment when you’re meeting him.
Now, as always, I’ve posted links below this video in the description for resources
that will support you in creating an amazing love life.
And if you’re not subscribed to this channel, make sure you get subscribed so you can get
the latest and greatest videos.
Thanks so much for watching.
I’ll see you soon.