NIMROD KAMER: Venice 2012.
The 69th annual film festival.
I had arrived in style to conduct an investigation.
I had questions, like how can I get myself trending, make
cash like Kim Kardashian?
How can I become richer than producer Harvey Weinstein?
I am the most favorite, a social climate disguised as a
journalist, and this is my film--
How to Make It #Huge in the Film Industry--
and also get laid.
Everyone knows the quickest way to get famous is to get
sued for defamation.
So I headed to Hotel Danieli and bumped into my old chum,
Pierce Brosnan.
I wanted to tell him all along about this ridic videotape I
found on eBay.
I said, about the sex tape.
You and a girl, she's shouting,
Daniel Craig, fuck me.
PIERCE BROSNAN: Yeah?
NIMROD KAMER: And I can sell it.
I have one copy.
I hear different girls keep talking to you as, like, the
name of the guy you played.
And they want someone else in bed.
It keeps happening to me.
I had only just arrived, and things were already starting
to get a bit awk.
I ran away until I found myself in Piazza San Marco and
treated myself to a dessert.
Next song, maybe, Cyndi Lauper, "Time After Time," if
you have it?
Cyndi Lauper.
If you have it.
Maybe, yeah, some--
My life needed to be a bit more TMZ.
So the next morning, I headed to the press room to spread
rumors about myself.
I have this interesting story to sell.
It's about Selena Gomez, the Justin Bieber girlfriend?
I sold her some MDMAC, some drugs.
And so she bought my drugs, and I have some photos.
I have a story about Ryan Reynolds, the celeb--
the actor who is dating Blake Lively.
I saw him having sex with another man.
I'll sell you the story.
I know the guy who was with him.
I have some photos.
And then I have some photos of me going down on her.
Because I shot it like that, on the camera, when I go down.
If you want later, it's 250 euros, just one photo--
JPEG, 100k.
Because I'm the guy who's with Ryan Reynolds.
I spent a night with him, OK?
I needed to raise enough money to buy 10,000 fake Twitter
followers, so I went down to sell some drugs that I had
stolen from Lindsay Lohan, aka LiLo.
Do you want to buy some drugs, like MDMA?
I've got some small drugs if you want, like--
-Oh no, it's all right.
NIMROD KAMER: I can give you a discount.
-[LAUGH]
NIMROD KAMER: Just to chillax, yeah.
-OK.
NIMROD KAMER: I found out Will-I-Am
Defoe was staying nearby.
I knew this would be an easy sell.
How are you doing?
WILLEM DEFOE: Hi there.
NIMROD KAMER: I'm Mister Kamer, I'm
Mr. Brosnan's agent.
WILLEM DEFOE: Yes?
NIMROD KAMER: And I just came to meet you.
Just come by and say hi, yeah.
WILLEM DEFOE: Ah, yeah, I didn't know anything about it.
We were just taking a nap.
NIMROD KAMER: Oh yeah?
WILLEM DEFOE: And now we have to catch a boat.
NIMROD KAMER: I'm his agent.
And--
WILLEM DEFOE: I see.
I see.
NIMROD KAMER: I can represent to you, as well, obviously.
WILLEM DEFOE: Um--
-We're going now to eat.
We'll tell you what--
WILLEM DEFOE: Now we have to catch--
NIMROD KAMER: OK, and Pierce said to deliver you like this,
if you want to just a small MDMSAG, if you want
to, like, go ahead.
If you want to try it.
Whatever, yeah.
He's downstairs.
Cheers.
I didn't want to be seen with Willem.
He hasn't made a good film since Spider Man 3.
So [INAUDIBLE]
sisters shoved the whole bag of MDMAGCSC up my bum, and we
got down to it.
[MUSIC PLAYING]