Hey there,
and welcome to "Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend".
Voted I believe, podcast of the century
by "Time and Newsweek".
No.
Didn't hear that.
I just made it up.
The fact that you said Newsweek too, I Mean.
Is there still a Newsweek?
I don't think so.
What are you going on a computer to find out?
No.
I'm gonna order an addition of Newsweek.
(group laughing)
I think it's online
but I don't think the print edition exists anymore.
All I'm saying is You're right.
I don't think anyone's gonna look into it.
So I'm gonna start making outlandish claims
about the success of our podcast.
Oh Oh.
You know, we are a successful podcast
but I'm just gonna start throwing
out right after the introduction.
I see. Hey and welcome
to "Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend just voted"
best hour of entertainment by "Good Housekeeping" magazine.
Oh.
Best hour of entertainment.
Yeah.
And that's all time.
Meaning it stacks up against any movie,
it stacks up against any book that takes you could read
for an hour.
Huh? Anything
that would take an hour of your time.
Hey, it was good housekeeping, it wasn't me.
Okay.
"L magazine" said
that we are the most fashion forward podcast.
Now that's true.
I think, yeah.
I wear incredible outfits.
Don't think people realize
Just for the podcast.
And don't bother trying to look up online
at the video, but... But we are
yeah, there's a video component to this.
You were wearing a dark polo shirt.
No, he's wearing Eddie Murphy's red suit from raw.
Yes a leather zips I bought that,
I didn't realize that it's made of pressed
and dried beet
it's entirely vegetable made suit.
I did wear on tour.
We did a takeoff of that.
We wore a copy
of the other suit that
Eddie Murphy wore. The purple.
It was kinder of a
purple one. Yeah.
And I got measured for it.
And I wore that this is whatever 11 years ago or something.
And I wore on tour,
and I lost so much weight on the tour because
I would burn like 9,000 calories a night doing this show.
And we would do a show a night
and travel all around the country.
And at the end of the tour, the thing is
falling off. a yeah
You were sickly.
But I mean, I had it,
and so it just looked,
I looked like a prisoner
in like a Confederate soldiers camp
who put on an Eddie Murphy raw suit and tried to do standup.
It was the most ridiculous.
I know.
Yeah.
It was the most ridiculous.
I wonder that suit in is it must exist somewhere.
You know, we have a crazy, this occurs to me.
I have saved everything
from the very beginning,
from my time with "Saturday Night Live Simpsons"
I found legal pad page
where I came up with the idea for the Monorail...
Oh my God.
You're kidding.
No, and I have it.
And I put it in my drawer,
'cause I just thought like,
oh, this is cool, but you can see me
come up with it and then sketch out Monorail question mark.
And then I sketch out a couple things.
But in addition to that, any kooky prop that I particularly
liked and think of the
billions of them,. Yeah.
I would always say, oh, just put it in storage,
just put it in storage.
So, you know, at the end of the famous movie "Citizen Kane"
they're going through Citizen Kane has died.
Charles Foster Kane has died and they're going
through his massive estate and they're just
throwing everything in the fire.
And that's where you see them throw the sled in.
But they're throwing in paintings
and all this stuff that he collected in his life.
My ending, my "Citizen Kane" ending
is gonna be the funniest thing in the world.
Because it's gonna be literally like a toilet seat
that somebody made into a guitar and sent to me.
And I was like, wow, this is so weird
but I gotta keep it, put it in storage.
Do you know what I mean?
Yeah.
Or we once have a, we had a stuff squirrel
with a backpack that used to go in circles.
I think I have that some on the show
It's just gonna be Workman and Conan O'Brien passed away.
And his many goods were thrown into the fireplace
above his political palace.
And you're just gonna see, Is that what's gonna happen?
master beating air diaper.
Oh no.
What is your Rosebud though?
What's that one thing?
Oh my God.
That's a really good question.
What is the Rosebud?
What is the thing I'm gonna be saying?
Yeah like... As I leave this earth.
From your youth probably
is it that No, it's gonna be something
from my... Halloween costume
that you're remember we bought one that like said...
My mom... What was it?
tried to do a sweet thing
and she bought a costume for me for Halloween.
And and it was at the height of like Watergate.
Yeah.
And people hating America.
And she bought me, she wanted me to dress like uncle Sam.
Yeah.
And mean Vietnam protests were still going on
and Watergate.
And it was a plastic uncle Sam face.
Oh yeah. And then uncle Sam and
I was not happy
and I let my mom know it.
And I think I hurt her feelings, which to this day
hurts my fe, I mean bothers me.
Yeah of course.
But yeah, I'll be like uncle Sam.
uncle Sam.
And then you'll see that mask being thrown on the fire.
Yeah.
I dunno if it's gonna be that or something
from the comedy?
Career.
like a fake mustache I wore in the old time baseball
remote.
Oh.
Or...
Or you find out there actually was little
threads connected to your pockets when you did that dance.
I did that dance at the top of the show.
Yeah.
The only thing anybody knows
about me all around the world, I swear to God
you could drop me down a rural province in China.
And they would point at me
and then do the string dance thing.
Yeah.
Where I act like there were strings attached to my hips.
It transcends languages and cultures.
Yeah. And common sense.
Yeah. That transcends
all intelligence.
Yeah it does.
(group laughing)
That'll be...
I don't think they'll burn your stuff.
I Would sell it and keep
all money. No one's gonna
buy any of that shit.
No one's gonna buy any of it.
People buy anything.
They'll buy it to burn it.
(group laughing)
Conan's burning his stuff.
I wanna burn his stuff.
(group laughing)
Yeah.
We should do that.
I do wanna make sure Sona you're to see to things.
Yes. What are the two things
you're to see do first
is the burning of all my stuff.
Okay.
And you have to make sure
that it's filmed in beautiful black and white.
Yeah.
In a giant warehouse.
Okay?
And all the weird crap that I've gotten over the years.
The second thing is what have I've always asked you
please make sure
they don't... Don't bury you
at the Forest Lawn
cemetery of... Yes,
I don't wanna be buried at Forest Lawn Cemetery.
Is that a danger that could happen?
Because no one ever thinks ahead.
And I'm noticing
that everyone gets married there.
Everyone, why did I confuse marriage with death?
Oh dear.
Oh my.
Do you wanna take that again?
No.
Yeah.
Maybe my wife should listen to this episode.
You know, as a joke
I'm going to not burn your stuff
and bury you at Forest Lawn Cemetry.
(group laughing)
I just don't wanna be...
But you get the last laugh.
Wanna be someplace leafy, you know?
Yeah, I know.
And the fact that you're just on a hill and...
Overlook the 134 freeway.
We're overlooking the 134 freeway and people are
on their way to go see Michael Jackson.
And they step on my grave.
I don't want that.
It'll be so funny.
No.
Yes.
No. In the future everyone.
I don't even need to be buried.
As I've told you, just leave me naked in a field somewhere.
Oh.
So that people can find,
I want a jogger to find me like
on every episode of "Law and Order".
Yeah.
I want jogger to go Like what the, hey, look at that.
Hey, someone dropped an alabaster statue of a woman.
Oh my God.
It's the body of Conan O'Brien.
You're naked and they still mistake you for a woman.
They still think I'm a woman.
(group laughing)
Coyotes have eaten part of you.
No, no,
(indistinct chattering)
That's what the corn,
They don't wanna eat him?
No, no, no, no.
(group laughing)
The excuse that my publicist tries to make as well.
Why do they think he was a woman?
Well, coyotes got to his genitals,
and then the coroner speaks up goes
actually no, that's the one part that coyotes
didn't get.
Genitals were intact.
He still looks an awful lot, like a woman.
If anything...
Why would the coroner have to pipe up at that point?
They're a little swollen just from decay and gases
if anything.
They are even bigger than usual.
In the sun, they grew to twice their size
but still looks a lot like female genitalia
and people are like, would you shut the fuck up?
Anyway, he'll be laid to rest at Forest Lawn Cemetery.
(group laughing)
Followed by the preservation, not burning
of all of his useless crap.
Oh man.