Many of us we have no issue with being a great friend to
our friends or being a great parents to our kids or to our
pets. So why is it that when it comes to ourselves, our standard
for love and support seems to be so much higher. In this video
I want to talk to you about the concept of unconditional
self-love and how it finally clicked for me. Growing up
I never really put much thought to the idea of unconditional
self-love and once I learned that it was an ideal and something
to be strived for, there was still a part of me that really resisted
applying it in my own life. To me it didn't make sense because
I thought that if I reserve my affirmation and praise for myself
for the times when I truly deserved it that that wouldn't
turn motivate me to become more ambitious or goal oriented
or something. And it turns out that that is a terrible strategy
to go about life because all it really did was make me a
nervous wreck. Regardless
it was something of a paradox to me when I realized that
those who have the ability to unconditionally love themselves
tend to be those who lead richer and fuller lives.
I believe that what explains this phenomenon is something
called Attachment Theory which was formulated by the psychologist
John Bowlby in the late 1950s. Essentially Attachment Theory
states that the nature of the relationship that we have as
adults is more or less influenced by the nature of the relationship
we had with our primary caregiver.
So infants whose primary caregiver was there to meet their
needs consistently, these infants grow up to become adults
who are emotionally secure and self-assured. On the flip side,
infants whose primary caregiver wasn't there to meet their
needs consistently, these infants tend to grow up to become
adults who struggle with insecurity.
So let me tell you about another phenomenon, and this one is
called the Secure Base Effect.
This effect was first observed by Mary Ainsworth in the 1970s
whose work would go on to underpin John Bowlby's as previously
mentioned. This Secure Base Effect is observed in infants
who are securely attached to their primary caregiver using
their caregiver as a secure base.
These infants feel were empowered to explore their surroundings
and derive greater pleasure from doing so. So what does this
have to do with unconditional self-love? If you didn't grow
up having a secure attachment to your primary caregiver as
I hadn't there is hope for you just as there was hope for
me. And I'll tell you, you know what, let's bring this from my
experience. When the concept of unconditional self-love finally
clicked for me was when I realized that what self-love looks
like in application was the act of reparenting myself in
the way that I had fully deserved all along. To love yourself
in application means to be your own best friend and to speak
to yourself the way that you would your own best friend, it
means to affirm yourself whenever your need of affirmation
and to comfort yourself whenever you're in need of comfort. And
of course, it means you don't belittle yourself whenever
you mess up no matter how familiar the act of doing so is
to you. Many of us,
we have no issue with being a great friend to our friends
or being a great parents to our kids or to our pets.
So why is it that when it comes to ourselves, our standard
for love and support seems to be so much higher.
I really hope that this message was able to get across to
you today.
And I really hope that it made sense.
Because for me, once I realized that loving myself unconditionally
wasn't just as nebulous concept and that it could look like
something really pragmatic in my own life and something quite
healing, I started to be able to use it as I guess you could
say, a litmus test for the things that I tell myself in
my most quiet moments of the day. Every single one of us who
struggles with insecurity,
we know why it is that we tell ourselves the things that
we do, I get it.
I understand how pervasive this problem is and how deeply
it can affect us, which is why I wanted to film this video
today, and I am hoping that the message that I had to share
resonates with you, and if it does, please send it to anybody
who you think could benefit from it.
Just imagine how different our world would look if every
single one of us could be our own best friend or the parent
that we never had. Anyways.
That's my spiel for today.
Thank you so much for joining me for the video, and I'll
probably ask a question that I want to know the answer to
in the comment section below.
So if you would like to participate that be great, if not
I guess I'll just see you in my next video, hopefully.