Okay, the rules of this are very simple.
They can't use any form of car. I can't use any trains.
And the winner is the first one to the Cafe de Paris in Monte Carlo.
See you, chaps.
Well, he'll probably get to the end of the lane before us.
Once we're on that train, there is no way can that car beat us to Monte Carlo.
It is impossible.
In an ordinary car, I agree. It may well be impossible.
But this is no ordinary car.
The old DB7, really, that was just a Jag in drag.
It was an XJS in a party frock. This is completely different.
It's made in a brand-new factory, using space age materials
and sci-fi production techniques.
Everything was going fine until I reached the outskirts of Dover,
where I hit traffic.
Get out of the way, you Polish lorry!
Why are you cluttering up our roads with Latvian milk?
-Morning. -Can we have two to Guildford, please?
£5.60 please.
£5.60?!
If I don't catch this ten o'clock ferry, I'm out of the race.
-Jeremy, hello, where are you? -I'm about to get on the boat.
-He's already at the docks. -Where are you?
Yeah, we're in Guildford station.
So, you're only at Guildford and I'm at the Channel.
Give it a few hours, we'll be at least 150 miles ahead. I promise you.
I'm going to win this.
You're not. The car cannot beat the train on the other side of the Channel.
They still think they're going to win!
Sorry.
Now, that's what I call moving!
-What a nice day. -It's a gorgeous day.
Look at that! I wonder where they are now.
I'm all right, really.
It's quarter past 11 UK time,
which means Jeremy has just driven off the SeaCat.
We're only at Waterloo, but we're getting on to the Eurostar all the way to Paris.
This is where we catch up.
-Mate. -Yes, hello, Jeremy.
I've got the gendarmes just all over me!
I think he's being nicked by the rozzers! Have they stopped you?
They come alongside and they just go: "Quicker! Quicker!"
Rubbish. You're making it up!
This is great thing about driving! The police come along in France
and then just want you to go quicker!
How's that, Mr Gendarme?
So far, Jeremy's had it pretty much all his own way in his Aston Martin,
while we've carried heavy bags, walked, caught buses and got on small trains.
Now things change 'cause we're on the big train,
so, we'll hit nearly 200 miles on the way from here to Dover
and it's 60 miles an hour through the tunnel
and then best part of 200 miles an hour all the way across France.
-Is that him? -It is.
Excellent. Bonjour, Monsieur Clarkson.
Mate, I want to know where you are.
We are on the Eurostar train, in enormous comfort,
looking forward to the first-class lunch.
-Would you like a drink? -I think it could be champagne.
-I'll have champagne as well. -Thank you very much.
As they headed for the tunnel, I was already in champagne country.
But it wasn't me who needed a drink.
This is not good. I've got the fuel warning light on.
This is going to be a Formula One style pit stop.
-Here we go. -Ooh, that's it.
-Where's the fuel filler cap button? -I'll have the white Bordeaux.
Why don't they put them in the same place?
Have you ever seen a more stupid place to put a fuel filler cap release?
But our cockiness is short-lived.
As the train approaches Paris, Jeremy is already 172 miles south of us
and we have to get across the city to change trains.
-If we get this train, we're fine. -Stop wittering, you old woman!
James and I have just 50 minutes to catch the connection to Nice.
Oh, it's left!
It's one minute to four, French time. They are now arriving in Paris.
James, just think of Jeremy arriving before us,
the just quantity of smugness!
My soul is prepared.
It's just eating the petrol in one, big lump. All 20 gallons.
Mm, that was delicious! You're going to need some more of that.
You've caught it, then?
We'll be accelerating up to 200 miles an hour
and leaving you behind in our dust.
Will you get 200 miles an hour out of your head?
-The train does not go 200 miles an hour! -186 then.
That's not as fast as a DB9.
It's a lot faster than you're going to be going.
Enjoy your trip. I think I'll have another bottle of Diet Coke now.
We'll maybe order the wine when we're underway. Talk to you later, bye-bye.
I'm now about halfway into the journey.
No backache, not uncomfortable. I'm not tired. My ears aren't bleeding.
So, this car is as comfortable as an Aston should be.
Unfortunately, however, it doesn't matter how good the car is.
it's choked by the French speed limits.
The Aston was reined in so badly
that with 200 miles to go the train tore past.
-We are ahead. -We are ahead.
Now the fight really hots up.
Keep going up!
-This is it. -This is it. This is it.
Come on, James. To lose it now...
This sodding bag!
Come on. Last bit. It's down here.
Come on!
Why didn't you bring a map?
James! Come on!
Oh, that's bad.
Oh... I haven't the heart to tell him.
It's all over, mate.
Oh, cock.
Evening.
I don't know if you've noticed something here.
You two look very stressed and tired.
-I'm very relaxed. -There is a degree of perspiration.
I think the important thing that we've proved today
is that no matter how good public transport is,
no matter how much it runs like clockwork, it'll never be a match for a car.