When someone has hurt you or broken your trust,
an apology can go a long way in repairing the damage
but a bad apology can make things even worse.
I'll explain how.
I'm Dr. Tracey Marks, a psychiatrist,
and I make mental health education videos.
Apologizing is much more than saying, "I'm sorry."
Here are four steps toward making a meaningful apology
to help restore trust and strengthen relationships.
The first step in offering a genuine apology,
is acknowledging your responsibility.
You need to show that you recognize
that you were responsible and that your actions hurt
or offended the other person.
Avoid shifting blame
or trying to get the person to share blame,
now is not the time to defend yourself.
Here are some statements that blame the other person,
don't acknowledge your responsibility
or don't show that you get how the person was harmed.
- I'm sorry I lashed out at you, but you made me so angry.
You shouldn't have criticized me.
- [Dr. Tracey] That's defending yourself
and blaming the other person.
- I'm sorry this happened, mistakes were made.
- Don't use passive voice like that.
Who made the mistakes?
Put an I in there and say...
- I made a mistake.
- Here's another one.
- I'm sorry you were hurt.
- This is another more subtle blame statement
because it takes your actions out of the equation
and makes it the other person's fault
for just letting whatever happened hurt them,
instead of being able to brush it off
and not make it an issue.
Here's an example of a sincere apology.
- I realized I shouldn't have shared your information
with other people.
I understand it was a breach of your trust
and I'm truly sorry for my actions.
- So that's step one, acknowledging your responsibility.
Step two, is to give an explanation for what went wrong.
This may feel like you're defending yourself
but it's not intended to do this.
You simply want to show
that your actions weren't intentional
or at least the outcome of hurting the person,
wasn't intentional.
If it was intentional like the person was irritating you
and you blew up at them and called them names,
you don't want to focus on the trigger
of the person getting on your nerves.
Instead, focus on how you lost your temper
and there's no excuse for calling them names,
or you wish you had more patience.
Sometimes in anger,
you can slip in passive aggressive statements like...
- I was wrong for calling you stupid.
I know I'm not very patient
with people who have trouble listening
when you talk to them.
- That's an apologizing explanation
with a dig at the end to communicate your frustration.
If you are angry at the person and feel they share blame,
you may need to wait until you can process your feelings
before you have a discussion.
Once you cool down, you can approach your apology first,
then later tell them how they hurt you.
It's important to handle your offense
and their offense separately,
otherwise, it can feel like your apology is conditioned
on them also taking responsibility.
Here's an example of a non-defensive explanation
of the offensive sharing personal information.
- I was trying to help someone
who was going through a similar situation
and I thought sharing your story would give them some tips
on how to handle things.
In hindsight, I should have asked your permission
and see how you felt about it first.
- That kind of explanation gives the person context
and can make them feel better about what happened.
Step three is to express remorse.
This may be hard, especially if you feel ashamed
or even angry at yourself for what you did,
but it's helpful and healing for both parties
to allow yourself to be vulnerable
and communicate how you regret what you did.
Don't try and soften it up with statements
like, I don't know what came over me, or this isn't like me.
These statements imply that some other version of you
is responsible, but the person speaking now isn't.
Again, you're placing blame on some external factor
like freak circumstances
or some other kind of force making you act this way.
Instead, say something like...
- I'm disappointed in myself for letting you down
and I won't let it happen again.
- Now, what if the person says something like...
- I don't care if you're disappointed in yourself,
this isn't about you, it's about me.
- Well, yes, that's hurtful to hear,
when you let yourself be vulnerable.
It doesn't mean you shouldn't have said that,
that kind of hitting back when you open yourself up,
is a negative reflection on the other person
that they're trying to hurt you back
rather than accept your attempts to be open
and sincere with them.
The act of providing a sincere apology
is an exercise for you and the other person.
If the other person doesn't receive it well,
and they may not depending on what you did
and the relationship you have with them,
then you still did the right thing
and it's psychologically strengthening
for you to take the risk of being vulnerable with someone
who can strike back and hurt your feelings.
It doesn't feel good,
but the alternative is to keep yourself closed off
and not let people know how you feel about things,
and this kind of guardedness hurts your relationships
in the long run.
The last step is to offer to make amends.
Making things right is an important step
in rebuilding the trust.
Suggests ways to repair the damage
or ways that you can prevent it from happening again.
If you can't think of anything, you can ask...
- How can I make this right?
- There may not be anything the person wants you to do.
This kind of apology validates their feelings
and that may be all they need.
But if they respond with an attitude of...
- You'll always owe me.
- Then that tells you something about the person using this
as leverage against you.
You should still try to make things right
if there's something reasonable you can do,
if you feel like they're trying to take advantage of you,
then you can address that issue in a different conversation
and see how they respond to your concerns.
Some people will use someone's offenses
as a way to feel empowered in a relationship.
Reminding you of your offenses, keeps you in your place
because you've got this debt that you can't pay off.
I bring up the negatives of this kind of apology
because these issues can block you from wanting to do this
and the reality is, not all apologies have a happy ending.
But acknowledging wrongdoing, expressing remorse
and correcting your actions are skills we should all have
regardless of how the process is received
by the other person.
In other words, being able to do this helps you grow
as a person, and if you're in a relationship
where vulnerability is exploited
and acts of kindness aren't appreciated,
it's on you to remove yourself from people and situations
that deplete you and place yourself around people
who support you in becoming the best version of yourself.
Thanks for watching, see you next time.