hey what's going on YouTube this is just certified a life and relationship coach coach court and in
today's video I want to talk to you about how to have a healthy relationship with a dismissive
avoidant thank you for sticking around if this is your first time doing me do me a favor and
subscribe to the channel by clicking the subscribe button and ringing that little bill so you're
notified for the newest content I did another video on my channel called 5 characteristics
of a dismissive avoidant and in that video I talked about some of the things that you want
to understand about a dismissive avoidant and how they operate how they view love what is healthy
love to them so I want to follow up on that video and just give you a few more tips on how to have
a healthy relationship with the dismissive but before I get into that if you want my
help personally you want email coaching reach out to me on my website www.fruitfulseedz.com send me
an email no longer than 2 or 3 paragraphs long no longer than 500 words as emails get really
long and hard to respond to the first thing you want to understand about the dismissive avoidant
is they value their space and their autonomy if you were to try to get too close to them engulf
them get clingy get needy they're gonna start to withdraw and they're gonna start to back out
of the attachment and the bond that you guys were forming one of the biggest fears of a dismissive
avoidant is losing their identity not being able to be who they are and be that individual that
they are so comfortable with because they have put a lot of work in self-reliance that they don't see
it necessary to rely on other people so when they feel like you're getting too close you're trying
to help them which is what usually what people are trying to do they're only trying to help
you're trying to help them do things differently and more efficiently they'll get a little bit
annoyed and start to withdraw because they don't feel like your help is needed especially when
they don't ask you for go in many different ways when you talk about giving them space their view
of quality time is different from other people their view of quality time is the time that they
ask you for the time that they set up dates with you are set up activities with you for but when
you're just hanging around the house and you start to get a little bit clingy and needy and wanting
their attention while they're just kind of sitting and just browsing their phone or just hanging out
they'll start to get annoyed because they don't need that constant a connection like somebody
like the anxious preoccupied would need which is unhealthy by the way it's unhealthy for both
sides one too need too much and want to need too little when that starts to happen they'll start to
lose trust in you and trusting themself as to how they pick their spouses they'll view as somebody
who is just like all the other people and I like to use the example of the turtle they'll start to
withdraw like a turtle in it's shell it's hard work to get them out of their comfort zone and
get them to put their trust in you by letting their walls down so just like a turtle if a
turtle feels danger it'll stick it's head back in its shell but when it's comfortable with the
surroundings it'll stick its head back out peek around and maybe start to walk around and even
eat that's just if you're a severely dismissive avoidant person there's a grading scale there's
a slide scale you know you can be ninety eight ninety five fifty percent dismissive avoidant
but if you're a high level of avoidant you know your tolerance for people violating your trust is
very slim so if you were to be betrayed or you felt like your trust was broken or somebody's
getting too close to you you'll poke that head back in and it'll take a lot of work to get you
back out because you rely on yourself you have everything that you need they have everything that
I'm talking to you dismissive avoidant you have everything that you need the next thing you want
to do is to keep your emotions in check if you are dating a dismissive avoidant it's important
that you keep your emotions in check because talking about deeply emotional things all the
times it gets draining and it gets overwhelming for the dismissive avoidant and what they'll do
is they'll start to withdraw just like when you don't give them space if you are overly emotional
and you're showing that's a sign of weakness to them because they don't show emotion because
they feel it's a sign of weakness when they show emotion it's because they're being vulnerable in
their eyes and too much vulnerability to them is a scary thing because back when their attachment
style was forming or the events that happened to activate this attachment style it was because of
that they were vulnerable to somebody maybe a primary caregiver or ex-girlfriend or boyfriend
and when you show those signs of the same thing that happened to them back then it activates and
it triggers their deactivating strategies keep your emotions in check because if you don't
they'll start to withdraw and it's important for them to come to you or you talk to them
about those issues at a more appropriate time and at a time where things have either cooled
off or a time that you both mutually agree on now this next one is a pretty obvious one avoid
criticism nobody likes criticism when you attack somebody they're gonna automatically put up their
defenses they're gonna automatically check out of the conversation and feel like they
don't want to deal with it so it's important to remember and be mindful about the criticism but
it's extra painful for a dismissive avoidant because when they get criticized it hurts them
to their core because deep down they feel like they're not good enough and they're inadequate
and they're not worthy of love so when somebody comes along and criticizes them even if it is
constructive criticism they'll take it it'll scarred I'm gonna make them feel very hurt and
very inadequate they already fill it in the first place so when somebody comes along and points that
out whether it be anything anything like you know the way they load dishwasher or the way that they
respond to your love they're gonna take that as a very heavy burden and they're gonna withdraw and
it's gonna be unhealthy the last thing I want you guys to understand about the dismissive avoidant
is you have to make them resolve issues they don't like talking about deep heartfelt things all day
long and often they will do it the people who are becoming more of a secure attacher and more
healthy in their ways of loving they understand that communication is key so you have to resolve
issues with them the ones who don't understand that aren't in the self development mindset
they won't resolve issues they'll just let things get swept under the rug and then you'll let them
fester you know you sweep something under along the rug long enough is gonna become the elephant
in the room after a while so you want to make sure that you resolve those issues with them come back
to the table when everybody is cooled off and they're able to be more level-headed and clear
minded so don't allow them to let things go for too long because they will you know if you send
them a text message you know about something that you have a concern with they may ignore
you for another day or two and then come back with something different come back with a whole
different topic and this is just something that they that's one of their deactivating strategies
they'll check out from that conversation or that line of thinking because A) they don't want to
deal with it and B) it's just really painful to have to think about they equate you know
closeness and intimacy with pain and intimacy in the past was what molded this attachment style so
make sure that you resolve issues when you guys are able to so if you found this video of any
value please like comment and share if you want my help personally reach out to me on my website
www.fruitfulseedz.com or check my other social media accounts Instagram is Iamcoachcourt
Twitter coachcourt2 and Facebook Iamcoachcourt thank you guys and I would talk to you soon