IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON TO OUR NEXT SUBJECT -- SEX!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT WAS A TRICK.
NOW THAT I'VE GOT YOUR ATTENTION: PORNOGRAPHY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'RE LEARNING A LOT MORE ABOUT
WHAT CLICKS PEOPLE'S HYPERLINK, THANKS TO ONE OF THE LARGEST
PORN SITES, WHOSE NAME I'M NOT ALLOWED SAY.
AND THIS IS TRUE.
CBS DOES NOT WANT ME TO SAY IT, AND I UNDERSTAND THAT.
AFTER ALL, IT IS A BIG HUB FOR PORN.
IT RHYMES "CORN SCRUB," WHICH IS ACTUALLY A POPULAR GENRE OF
VIDEO ON THAT WEBSITE.
( LAUGHTER ) IN A MOVE PEOPLE ARE CALLING
THE KINSEY REPORT OF OUR TIME, THE SITE HAS ANALYZED A DECADE'S
WORTH OF USER DATA, GRANTING US AN UNUSUAL PEEK INTO THE
INTERNET'S COLLECTIVE ID.
THIS REPORT IS FULL OF FASCINATING DETAILS, INCLUDING
THE FACT THAT USER RUSTY GOLDMAN OF DAYTON, OHIO IS INTO SOME
PRETTY FREAKY STUFF.
( LAUGHTER ) SORRY, RUSTY, JUST REPORTING THE
NEWS.
ACCORDING TO THE DATA, IF YOU WATCHED ALL OF THE VIDEOS ON THE
SITE END TO END, IT WOULD TAKE YOU 173 YEARS.
THOUGH, OF THOSE 173 YEARS, MOST PEOPLE ONLY WATCH THE FIRST TWO
MINUTES.
( LAUGHTER ) THE REPORT SHOWS THAT THE
ELECTION PLAYED A BIG PART IN PEOPLE'S PORN SEARCHES.
FOR EXAMPLE, ON ELECTION NIGHT, OVERALL U.S. PORN TRAFFIC GREW
10% AFTER DONALD TRUMP OFFICIALLY WON THE PRESIDENCY.
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, THAT ELECTION ONLY
HAPPENED BECAUSE THE RUSSIANS SEARCHED FOR "NAIVE BLONDE
WILLING TO DO ANYTHING."
( LAUGHTER ) ALSO, WHEN RUMORS OF A "PEE
TAPE" INVOLVING DONALD TRUMP FIRST SURFACED, SEARCHES FOR
"GOLDEN SHOWERS" SPIKED BY 289%.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
BUT I'M PRETTY SURE MOST OF THOSE SEARCHES WERE MY RESEARCH
DEPARTMENT.
I REALLY WANT TO FIND THAT TAPE.
THIS DATA ALSO GETS INTO SPECIFICS BY STATE, SUCH AS THE
FAVORITE GAY SEARCH TERM.
IN ARIZONA IT'S "CHOLO", IN OKLAHOMA IT'S "COWBOY," AND IN
NORTH DAKOTA IT'S "GAY BEEF" WHICH GETS EVEN MORE CONFUSING
WHEN YOU LEARN THAT, IN NORTH DAKOTA, "GAY BEEF" IS WHAT THEY
CALL CHICKEN.
( LAUGHTER ) TRY THE BUFFALO GAY BEEF.
( APPLAUSE ) BUT SOME OF THE MOST FUN DATA
THEY RELEASED WAS THIS MAP OF EACH STATE'S MOST MISSPELLED
SEARCHES INCLUDING "LESIAN," "LESBIAM," "LEBSIAM," "ANATUR,"
"STEP MON" AND, THE MOST COMMON, "PORM."
WHICH IS LIKE PORN BUT WITH A PARMESAN BREADING.
TRY THE GAY BEEF PORM.
SO DELICIOUS!