People always say that you are your own worst critic, but critic is just another
word for judge. And when you are your own biggest judge you can become your own
jailer. For the past year I have felt imprisoned in my own head, as an artist
I've been stuck, and no amount of inspiration has been able to give me the
freedom to create. This feeling led me to abandon my personal projects and instead
help others bring their visions to life. It's not that I didn't have ideas or
want to create, it's just when it's not your own story, it isn't as scary to put
into the world.
For nearly six months I've worked all around the world helping others.
I thought that letting go of the creative decisions would allow me to breathe as
an artist. It hasn't worked out, I mean sure I've made some money but at the
end of the day the goals and the dreams I had for myself never went anywhere.
I just chose to ignore them because I wasn't able to move forward with my
ideas with any confidence.
I've let the pressure of an audience influence my creative process.
I stopped viewing my work as an artist and just began viewing it as a judge.
Over time I realized that the thing holding me back was perfectionism.
The dictionary defines perfectionism as; a disposition to regard anything short
of perfection as unacceptable. You hear a lot of people call themselves
perfectionists and usually it's said as some sort of like a humble brag, but for
me perfectionism was an anchor. The thought of making mistakes was
paralyzing. Everything had to be perfect or it wasn't even worth trying. Or so I thought.
One simple realization was able to break
these binds holding me back. When you look at yourself in a
mirror you don't see what everyone else sees. You're overly critical of every detail.
We all wish we could change something we see
but the reality is that those changes are things almost no one else
would notice. What I realized is that my art is no different. I was criticizing my
work so heavily because I was viewing it in a mirror. I knew what I wanted to see
and if I couldn't make it exactly that, I didn't see any point in trying.
But when you view your work like that you'll never be happy. There's always a change
that can be made it's an endless cycle of judgment and abandonment.
Perfectionism in my mind is a measure of how well something does what it is
intended to do. I create art to express myself sure, but the real goal is to
create something that evokes emotion from my audience from all of you.
And if my work does that then it's as perfect as it needs to be.
Scott Adams said, "creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes, art is knowing which ones to keep."
I'll never be able to show you exactly what I see in my head.
At best, it'll be an approximation with some flaws, but that's okay, because those
flaws will be the mistakes I will learn to accept and choose to keep.