- I usually just get groceries delivered, but today,
I thought it'd be nice to get out into the real world.
And I'm regretting that decision already.
Yeah, right, I'm not gonna write down a list
when I go to the grocery store.
I got it all up here.
(derpy music)
Um?
My previous record was 27 items in 14 minutes
and 38 seconds, and I'm feeling pretty confident
that I can break that today.
Okay. Ready and go!
Your boy's gonna save some mad cabbage
with all these coupons I clipped,
specifically on cabbage.
Your home slice is gonna save some guac,
specifically on guacamole.
Your home dizzle is gonna save some cheddar,
specifically on well, actually, I'm getting mozzarella.
I'm just here to get one item.
Whoops. I'm back for one more thing.
♪ Hello, it's me ♪
May I sample these cheese curls, please?
How about this ice cream?
How about these chicken tendies?
How about this butt cream?
Sir, really?
Outta my way, butt cream!
Actually, that's on my list.
Wow.
I'm here to get ice cream,
but that guy's just standing in front of the door,
staring at it.
Do I need ice cream or do I have it at home?
Fudge!
He's been there for like 10 minutes.
Dude, I picked my college major faster than this.
It's like boom, theater. Sign me up.
I'm waiting tables for the rest of my life.
I always buy organic
because I want to feel good about what I'm putting
in my body.
Like, I might be eating mac and cheese,
fries, beer, donuts, but hey, it's organic.
And I can't afford to pay my rent this month.
I love it when cashier's ask,
"Did you find everything you need?"
Like, no.
I was hoping I'd find the love of my life
as we reach for the same jar of peanut butter.
And I'd say, "Oh, you prefer chunky?
So do I."
Thus beginning our whirlwind romance,
but that didn't happen, Cheryl!
Can you help me find that?
Yo, bro! Where can I find the protein powder?
Sorry, I don't work here.
Oh, I got confused.
Your polo is the same color that the employees wear.
Oh yeah, but actually, the protein powder is on aisle 10.
Thanks, bro.
I should just start getting groceries delivered.
Excuse me?
Yes?
Do you guys carry Skippy?
What?
Oh, my mistake.
I thought you worked here. The polo.
Oh, well yeah.
I do work here.
Let me help you find the Skippy.
Thank you.
(romantic music)
So do you prefer chunky?
Where are the Eggos?
Where are the Eggos at?
They reorganized the freezer section,
so now, I don't know if I'm even gonna be able
to break my record.
Do you know, what just sucks to come this far,
only to have it screwed up by a flipping waffle?
Sometimes you can save a buck or two
if you buy food that's expired,
like this weak-old roast beef that's in my hand.
Now, okay. Yes, it's risky, but I'm a dare devil.
And my Aunt Hilda has this dope recipe
to cover up the taste of old meat.
It got grandma through the Depression.
It's me again!
Oh, and one more thing.
♪ Hit me baby one more ♪
I love the self-checkout.
You can type in everything manually and say it's a banana.
I did all my shopping for the week for $4.
It's bananas.
At least that's what the store thinks.
I just did all my shopping
for the next three days for $400.
I'll be extra healthy, eating organic
and walking everywhere because I'll have to sell car
to pay the credit card bill.
Thanks for helping me find the Skippy.
Sure. Yeah.
I was thinking maybe you'd like to go out sometime.
Oh, sorry. I don't date guys who work at grocery stores.
Oh, look. No, I can explain.
Hey, what do you think you're doing?
What?
We need you at the front right now!
We are swamped, but I don't even.
Right now.
Thanks again. Bye.
Yes, Mrs. Cheryl.
I try not to shop when I'm hungry.
I shop when I'm hangry.
(intense music)
I cut in front of a guy at the deli,
side-swiped a lady in the pharmacy,
and ran over two children in the snack aisle.
And I'd do it again in a heartbeat.
Clean up on aisle seven,
except you'll need a stretcher.
But someone should actually go see if they're okay
'cause they're bleeding a lot.
Wait a second, why am I in the dog food aisle?
I don't even have a flipping dog!
Eggos!
Go!
Then I just go into beast mode.
(intense rock music)
I only got one more thing on my list.
Coffee.
Now I wanna get coffee, but that crazy guy
is just standing in front of the shelf, talking to himself.
Which coffee brand did you want?
Chock full o'Nuts?
Timmy, this is just like your relationship with Jessica.
You can do better.
I think we need to have a very long
and personal conversation about your love life
while I'm standing here in the middle of this grocery store.
Get out of the way!
Hold on a second. Excuse me?
Timmy, I gotta go.
I'm about to be severely injured. Goodbye!
Nice. Maybe he'll knock that guy out of the way
so I can get my coffee.
Ah!
(bowling pins clattering)
Now that guy is doing it right.
Mad respect.
Timmy, are you still there?
Just get delivery next time, okay?
Wow, I got a lot of groceries.
I guess I could just push my cart to my car
and unload there.
Or I could man up.
(intense rock music) Oh, yeah!
(grunting)
Let's go!
Oh, I can feel a disc in my back slipping.
(groaning)
So I'm nearing the finish line,
but the self checkout is full of a bunch of idiots
who don't know how to use the machine,
so that's gonna take forever.
My best bet is to go with a cashier,
but I gotta pick the fastest line or I'm screwed.
This real sweaty guy comes up next to me
at the checkout line and I can tell he's in a rush,
so I gave him some unsolicited advice.
Bro, if you're in a hurry, go to line 15.
Bro, line 15 is the longest one.
Yeah, but look at the cashier's body language.
I predict the shift change is about to happen,
which means line 16 will soon be open,
which means the new cashier will invite me
to check out first,
even though I've only been waiting for like five seconds.
Exactly.
Thanks, dawg.
And that's why I'm just gonna stick
to getting groceries delivered.
Lane 16 is now open.
Let's go!
What? How was that fair for him to cut in front?
Ah, this is why I should just get delivery.
Hello, sir.
What are you doing here?
Find everything you need?
You don't work here.
Yeah, I know.
I'm running out of time.
My whole record depends on this moron bagging my groceries.
Look, I'm kind of in a rush.
Maybe you could just do your job.
It's not my job!
Okay, okay, look, let's just get through this.
Do you have a club card?
Forget the club card.
Oh sure, let me just scan your groceries like a robot.
Oh my gosh.
What are you doing?
I don't have the produce codes memorized, sir.
Why?
Can I get a manager over at line 16?
Just keep it together.
The store closes at eight so I get here at 7:45
to beat the crowds.
And because I opened my refrigerator at 7:30
and realized I had no food for dinner.
I'm just here for the in-store Starbucks,
for the times when you want a Starbucks drink
made by someone who doesn't know how
to make a Starbucks drink.
That'll be 105.22.
Just keep the change.
(urgent music)
I just realized I don't have my wallet.
♪ Backstreet's back, all right ♪
(vocalizing)
The doors are right in front of me.
I got 10 seconds to beat my record,
but then, out of frigging nowhere,
these three nerds with no spatial awareness
just step right in front of me!
Get out the way!
Huh?
Wah?
♪ Am I sexual ♪
(yelling)
(intense rock music)
(bowling pins clattering)
My leg.
Mad respect.
My leg.
Clean up at the entrance.
How important was it for you to wreck those three nerds
who were standing in front of the door?
Oh, it was so important.
I mean, they put up a heck of a fight,
but I was able to prevail in the end.
Well, congratulations on your achievement.
Thank you.
That about does it from us from this parking lot.
Boom. Shopping done.
No list needed.
(derpy music)
Can't believe I got the low fat!
♪ They say a stranger's come to town ♪
♪ They call him Mr. Frank James ♪