WHEN I GO TO EVENTS AND CONCERTS AND STUFF, I THINK THAT A LOT OF
PEOPLE THAT YELL OUT "WHOO" OR "YEAH" WHEN THEY LIKE SOMETHING,
I LIKE TO BE MORE SPECIFIC WHEN I YELL THINGS OUT.
WHEN I'M AT A CONCERT, I LIKE TO YELL OUT THINGS LIKE...THE WAY
YOU PLAY YOUR MUSIC IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD INSIDE!
(LAUGHTER) OR INSTEAD OF YELLING THINGS
LIKE "ENCORE!", YELL THINGS LIKE "COME BACK AND PLAY SOME SONGS
YOU HAVEN'T PLAYED YET!" PLEASE!
DON'T BOO, PEOPLE-- DON'T BOO.
(LAUGHTER) BE MORE SPECIFIC.
WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?
I HATE THAT!
I HATE IT!
REALITY SHOWS ARE BIG NOW-- SURVIVOR, TEMPTATION IS-LAND,
THE MOLE.
I WANT TO DO A REALITY SHOW, WHERE IT'S 3 RACIST WHITE PEOPLE
THAT LIVE IN THE SOUTH BRONX.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) AND IT'S CALLED "CRACKER HUNT".
AND THERE'D BE SCENES WITH THE WHITE GUYS GOING-- I DIDN'T CALL
YOU "BOY".
I WANT TO DO ANOTHER REALITY SHOW, BASED ON THE MOLE,
BUT IT'S REALLY ABOUT STD'S, SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES.
AND IT'S CALLED "GOD, I HOPE THAT'S A MOLE."
(LAUGHTER) NOW I'D LIKE TO DO A FEW
CHARACTERS, IF I CAN.
THIS FIRST CHARACTER I'VE BEEN WORKING ON IS CALLED THE TIMID
PIMP.
AND HE'S ON THE PHONE WITH ONE OF HIS HOOKERS, HERE YOU GO--
THE TIMID PIMP...
"UM, HI, AMBER?
HI, HI, IT'S MARCUS.
YEAH, I CAN HOLD."
(LAUGHTER) ALL RIGHT, THIS NEXT
CHARACTER...
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) OKAY.
THIS-- THIS NEXT CHARACTER
I'M WORKING ON IS CALLED THE APATHETIC REDNECK AND HE'S
ON THE PHONE WITH HIS BROTHER WHO'S GETTING READY TO GET
THE DEATH PENALTY...
"YEAH, MAN, THAT SUCKS ABOUT THE DEATH PENALTY.
YEAH, MOMMA TOLD ME."
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH YOUR CAMARO?"
(LAUGHTER) I JUST REALIZED HOW STUPID ALL
THESE ARE.
(APPLAUSE AND WHISTLES) OKAY, THIS NEXT CHARACTER
I'VE BEEN WORKING ON FOR A WHILE IS CALLED THE GAY SNAKE...
(HISSING WITH A LISP) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
I REALLY WANT TO LEAVE NEW YORK CITY VERY BADLY, BUT I JUST PUT
$6,000 ON MY METRO CARD.
(LAUGHTER) GROWING UP, MY DAD WAS LIKE,
"ZACH, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAY, IT'S HOW YOU SAY IT."
AND HE'S SO RIGHT.
TAKE THIS SENTENCE FOR INSTANCE...
SHE HAD A CRACK BABY.
VERSUS... SHE HAD A CRACK, BABY!