i don't ever remember a time like um not loving jesus like i was raised that way and
i'm really grateful for that and i know that's not everybody's story um certainly not everybody who's
watching the story but for me i i don't remember a moment of not loving jesus now there was a
time in my early 20s when he became lord right that's a little bit different
the savior and lord is a little bit different right
so i feel like i've always had this like a genuine faith and it just continued to grow and then after
pastoring a church for you know decades i think there was a season here i am leading a church
leading a ministry and and really hit the wall on what like just the hardest season for me
and it felt like it just one punch after another right so it was a the death of my father and then
uh you know an identity theft which we lost a lot of money it's just like lost that so processing
loss in a couple levels and then my daughter um just made some ridiculously painful decisions and
and that if she was here she would tell him but it's her story and so it was really hard as a mom
so i'm watching this and and i remember in this in this season with her because there's no pain like
kid pain right and so as a mom and i'm i'm i feel god's saying to me will you trust me with her like
what does that mean right what does that mean what's coming and and so it's just like so in this
season that and then my husband gets cancer and then um just the betrayal of some people really
close to me like full-on lied about just like and i'm such as you know i'm the relational person i
touch feel like kobet was hard on a couple levels where he's like touching i want to touch people i
want to kiss your face all that right and so it was incredible and all this was in about about a
16-month period so it was like boom boom boom boom boom boom and i could feel myself just withdrawing
because i and i i wouldn't say i was like this outwardly rebellious but it the wilderness that
i was in became a real wilderness yeah like it just i could feel myself just withdrawing i was
like going through the motions yeah of oh that's good spiritual stuff right i knew to pray yeah
but it wasn't here right it wasn't um i knew to worship but it was i i there
was i was letting there be a wall right you know between me yeah and my savior i
i knew it and and i had this moment sitting on my couch binge watching one more thing right and um
and i could feel myself getting just so bitter yeah and it wasn't the root of bitterness it was
a flaming tree bush wow growing and it was bitter and i just had this moment sitting there and um in
that moment god showed me a picture of who she would become and she was this bitter old woman
and i didn't want to be her wow and so for me that was the first step of coming back to who i
know i should be well you know it's like when we think about like the prodigal son so he finds
himself with the pigs right where no jew would want to be right right now well come on none of
us want but anyway he wouldn't want to be and so he had to make that that moment right he
somewhere he came to himself he came to his senses right to begin that journey back and so for me
it wasn't with the pigs and it i hadn't done this big rebellious march away but it was just this
slow subtle yes becoming a stony-hearted person and so it was sitting on that couch that was my
coming back and i just remember crying and then i had this moment with god and like like
apologizing i'm so sorry and like created me a clean heart again yeah you know that moment and um
so that was kind of for me the coming back right welcome back and welcome welcome back
and i don't think that i could have gotten out of my that wilderness place that without
without having somebody you guys say that without somebody yeah yeah right without somebody yep
without people it's like the covet yeah you call me i call you that's right how are you doing do
you like your husband no no no he's leaving crumbs all on the table because somebody come and get him
you know we needed each other i was like how are you doing somebody to check up on you i am
somebody to actually ask the hard questions yes and i just think there's there's um so many times
maybe we just want people to pat us and i want to be patted but if i was going to get out of that
horrible place i was in i need somebody to go stop it right open your bible i love you too much to
leave you with that's right why are you thinking that now they might say it nicer than i would
but but like they would challenge like why are you thinking of that yes show me the scripture
you're justifying that with right right right now for the person who's watching that thinks okay but
i don't have anybody because sometimes you know you get in those zones and you really do feel
alone and because sometimes it's done to you or for you but sometimes you do it to yourself yeah
over time you have backed away yeah from community and from people that can touch you and so
sometimes that first step is just saying hello i need i need i need somebody i'm gonna show up
to the small group i'm gonna not sit in the back of the church i'm actually going to fill out the
visitor cards or that they call me or whatever you know what i mean or it's it's going up and say hey
i i need something is there something for me here it's the the friend or the mother who has kind of
stopped calling because you weren't talking back to call them and say you know what i actually
i need i need you in my life and that's a that's a not just a step to take it's a it's a vulnerable
place to put yourself in to say i need somebody but when you realize that god himself came down
in skin and could have done all the things that he did jesus could have done everything by himself he
chose to do it in community that's right i mean that's a model for us that how he wants us to
operate learn live and grow is in community and for many of us our healing is on the other side
of opening up our heart to someone else to see right and it's a it's a big step to take but it's
still just one step i hope you enjoyed this video subscribe today and you'll never miss a new upload
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