- I saw "Black Panther" six times.
(audience cheering)
Yeah, well you know, it was good.
It was good.
But also that was the black minimal requirement.
(audience laughing) (upbeat music)
My mom retirement, 35 years as a public school teacher.
Shout out to any teachers out there, do your thing.
(audience applauding)
Public school teachers, word, shout out to you.
Yeah man.
I learned so much when she retired.
Cause it's so different
from when like somebody in the NBA retires.
When they retire, their jersey in the rafters.
"I had a good time. Thank you for the crim, goodnight."
But when a teacher retires, they're just like,
"I'm done.
(audience laughing)
That's it.
Do you want a party? No!
This never happened.
Fuck those kids.
I'm ghost.
Oh, so jaded.
I get why they're jaded, I get it.
But like, I feel like teachers are celebrities,
but we don't treat them as such.
- Thank you. - They are, you're welcome.
(audience applauding)
They are, we don't treat them as such.
Celebrities, they molded our lives.
That's why we sit in these seats today, man.
We know our first grade teacher.
We remember our kindergarten teacher.
We remember them, you know how they celebrities.
You remember when you was little,
you see your teacher out in public, you freak out.
Be like,
"Mr. Burner what are you doing out here with (indistinct) ?
Why you got your ankles out, what the fuck you doing?"
"Oh I'm just going to the beach."
"No you live at school!
I ain't never seen you outside, what you doing outside?"
Never thought they had they own life.
When I was little man,
I thought my teacher at the end of the day,
just go back into the cubby and recharge.
(audience laughing)
"All right, listen 8:30, how you doing class?"
"Oh, I knew he was back there.
He never leaves."
They're celebrities, but we don't treat them as such.
That's my mom, she's a local celebrity.
I'll take her out to the movies.
And every time she'll run into some grown-ass man that she
taught in second grade, and he can't contain himself.
"Yo, Ms. Davis, you remember me?
You remember me?
That's my second grade teacher, you remember me?"
And my mother acts like a celebrity
that doesn't want to be bothered.
"Hello Trey.
How are you Trey?
That boy can't read for shit!
Hey baby."
"Wait mom we didn't talk about..."
"Yeah I would have left him back but his momma too ratchet.
Hey baby, good to see you, all right."
"Yo Ms. Davis let me get an autograph!"
"No baby, you can't read, I remember.
That's all right.
I'ma go see 'The Black Panther' now."
I'm a father, I have a daughter, she's seven years old.
Yeah, she's seven, in the second grade,
and barely got through the first grade because of math.
Yo, if you love math,
I salute you, but math should be an elective.
Like you should choose to take that shit.
Cause people understand.
That's the only subject you're introduced to problems.
You just got there and you got problems.
Gym, you play.
Art, you draw.
Science, you discover.
Math, it's like solve this fucking problem.
You done with that, here's another problem.
You done with that, these are all problems.
You be like, "I'm six years old!
I just got here, why do I have all these problems?
What did I do?"
They asking why the kids are depressed.
Math, nigga, that's why.
Math.
It's the first time you're introduced
to stress and anxiety at six, what?
We've all been there, man.
You remember those equations?
You got nine apples and Dustin takes away two.
When Mike has three and Will has four.
How many apples do you have left?
Who are these people taking all my apples?
I don't know them, I'm six, I just got here.
And you've got the cast of "Stranger Things,"
eating my food?
Dustin doesn't even have teeth!
Why does he want my apple?
My brother, I love my brother.
My brother's transgender,
transitioned from a woman to a man years ago.
Love him very much.
(audience clapping)
Oh, thank you, all right.
Cool, cool, I'll tell him you cared.
(audience laughing)
I love him, man.
I love that he loves his body
and I'm happy that he loves his body.
He loves his body so much, he loves to brag to me now.
He'll come up to me like, "Look, man,
I got more facial hair than you.
I got more armpit hair than you."
I didn't know he transitioned into an asshole.
It's like, I get it, but you ain't got to flex on me, damn.
You know what it felt like?
It felt like I was at the end of "The Little Mermaid"
and the mermaid's like: "What's up Ariel?"
And she say,
"Oh y'all bitches still got flippers?"
(audience laughing)
"Damn Ariel, we just wanted to say hi."
"I got sneakers!
I got feet!"
"All right, bitch, look, we just wanted to tell you,
just go visit your father whenever you can, bitch, bye.
Ariel's a dick.
I'm not going back up there if she going to act like that."
We love saving animals.
Save, adopt a cat, adopt a dog,
insects die immediately.
We kill them all.
We don't even hear they story.
Just (stomping)
"So what the fuck, it was in my face."
(audience chuckling)
Soon as a fly is in our house.
Kill that motherfucker.
It's like he, he don't,
That fly don't know you pay rent.
That's why I can't believe in reincarnation, man.
Can you imagine you come back as a cockroach?
That's it, nobody gonna hear your story.
(audience laughing)
I asked my girlfriend, if I came back as a water bug...
She was like, "You better start talking."
I ain't going to start talking.
Be like, "No, it's me, it's me, it's me!"
Fuck outta here.
Only insects that should die immediately
are mosquitoes, they all should die.
That's attempted murder.
Can you imagine somebody coming behind you
just taking your blood?
"The fuck is that?"
"Oh I was, I was just hungry."
I love "Ninja Turtles," right?
"Ninja Turtles."
TMNT till I die fam, know what I mean?
So I try to get my girl to watch it, right?
And then the storyline was not that good.
Like she'll watch and be like,
"So they gonna fight these niggas again?"
(audience laughing)
I'm like, "Well, you know, the turtles came together,
turtle power, baby.
They had to defeat Shredder."
"That happened last episode.
Is this the same thing that happens every episode?"
"Aha, yeah, yeah.
They're so stupid.
Watching the same storyline."
That's why I really wish that I can write an episode
for Ninja Turtles, that would have more women engaged.
Like if I can write an episode that has like more drama,
more shade, more tea.
Like right before the turtles are going
to fight the foot clan and Shredder, right,
Donatello's just like,
"Look, we bout to go fight, right.
But I just wanna let you know,
I heard April's pregnant."
(audience applauding)
Michelangelo go "That's cool, her and Casey Jones, right?
That's so awesome to do!"
And Leonardo's over there sharpening his sword like,
"Mm-mm,
I heard that's Shredder's baby."
It's like "Next on 'Love and TMNT,'"
(audience laughing)
So much drama, so much suspense.
So, you know, at the end of the season,
there's going to be a reunion show.
It's going to be hosted by Splinter,
wearing a black tux.
Like, "Look, I got my sons here with
Gucci, Gucci, Gucci, Gucci.
I got a surprise for you.
Abel the Shredder!
Shredder comes out: "Y'all are trash,
y'all can never beat me,
keep trying, crank forever.
(audience laughing)
And sits in the yellow, like yellow couch.
And his spikes get stuck in the leather.
(hissing)
April comes out, April comes out with her yellow jumpsuit,
her heels, hair done, red bile.
And she's like, "Okay, hi Splinter.
How you doing?
Hi turtles."
And she sits next to her man Shredder.
Donatello can't take it.
Tension is building.
He stands up like, "So why are you with him?
Why are you with the enemy, I made those gadgets for you!
I had a crush on you this whole season!"
April can't take the shade,
so she stands up and starts reading to him like,
"Well, first of all, you're a turtle.
(audience laughing)
What are we doing?
You live in a sewer, my nigga like, stop.
All y'all do is eat pizza.
Try a taco.
Don't come for me.
Look, I know Shredder is evil, but he's ambitious.
And he's helping me with my album.
Everybody look out for that.
I'm coming out, I'm coming with my album.
I'm coming out of my shell, thank you."
(audience applauding)
You know people that don't believe in climate change?
Those are the people that can't wait
to have polar bears as pets.
You going to see people downtown.
"Look at my dog,
and what the fuck is that?"
It's a polar bear.
Polar bear up there: "Ahh, ah."
"Oh he's just a little hot, he all right.
Come on Coca-Cola, put you back in the freezer, come on."
"Ah."
I'm so happy my phone still works.
I have a 6s, any 6ses out there?
(audience cheering)
All right, there we go.
We holding strong,
don't do the update.
Don't do it.
Just stay with what you got.
I did the update, felt like
I put an old man in skinny jeans.
Just don't fit.
I don't know about this gif.
Don't do it.
It's one thing I don't like about technology,
when old technology just gets so disregarded.
It's always new.
Don't feel like you need to upgrade, stay where you at.
Stay where you at, cause every time it's like,
I'm comfortable where I'm at with my phone.
I'll just go in to fix it if like the sound doesn't work.
"Can you fix this?"
And they always want to upgrade me like,
"Oh, don't you want a new phone?"
It's like, no, my grandfather still works.
He just has a cough.
And they be like, "You want a new dad?"
No, fix him!
Hate how they describe old technology.
Like I still have a laptop with the CD-drive in it,
The CD-drive don't work, but it's going strong.
Yeah, we out here!
Ah, I love, we out here.
Laptop with a CD-drive.
Man, I love it because the age is just like we age,
every time I turn my laptop on,
it sounds like an old man stretching.
(groaning)
"What do you want?"
"I just want to check my email."
"Don't you got your phone for that?"
"Well, you know, you're a desktop computer
and I'm at my desk, so."
"All right look, just go take a shower and
when you come back and I'll be on."
(groaning)
Don't touch the keyboard!
I'm not ready!
(groaning)
(dings)
I'm never going to upgrade, stay where you at,
if you comfortable.
Only I love my phone, man, because it knows me.
I know it, it knows me.
That's it, that's all I need.
I don't know the new phones.
Cause you get emotionally attached.
I got emotionally attached to a phone.
You know how you get emotionally attached to it.
Like you remember that time you lost your phone,
but then you found it, you're just like,
"I thought you was gone.
I didn't know where you was at.
I know I left you at the club,
but you was in the couch the whole time!
I didn't know!"
And you're phone looking back up at you,
"Pick me up, pick me up!"
"Oh I'm never gonna drop you, I swear.
Keep you in my front pocket, not my back one.
You stay right here, baby, right here."
Get emotionally attached to it.
Or like you remember the time you dropped your phone
glass down on the floor?
You dropped it and then you picked it up.
The glass is still intact, you like,
"You my nigga.
I knew you wasn't gonna break!
You never break!"
And your phone up there like,
"I ain't gonna break.
I know you can't afford 200, replace some glass,
I got your back."
(upbeat music)