[MIDI music plays]
[typing]
Oh, what is this?
Seriously what...the crap...is...
I mean, I know it says Tongue of the Fatman
by Activision from 1989,
but...really?!
The Fatman?
And his tongue?
Who in their right mind would want to play with that?
And who actually though that this box art
with its eyebrowed evil nose and purple lips
beneath little beady eye things inside nostrils
would even sell a single copy?
Because whoever they are, I must pronounce them a GENIUS!
[echoing]
Because this entire package is absolutely amazing.
I mean, hey, its complete bizarreness has gotten me to buy it,
so they were doing something right.
This is the original DOS PC version of Fatman here,
though there were also other versions made for the Commodore 64
and Sega Genesis, with varying degrees of success.
Along with differences to the gameplay,
these versions also saw name changes,
with the C64 game going by Mondu's Fight Palace
and the Genesis version going by Slaughter Sport.
In fact, even the Japanese version went by the name Fatman,
which really says something when Japan
finds your full title too ridiculous.
Inside the gloriously hideous box,
you get a gloriously average manual,
averagely showing the glorious features of the game.
as well as copious amounts of silly alien humor and character descriptions
which double as the game's copy protection.
So yeah, you'll need to look up and enter the stats in order to play the game.
It also comes with this trading card
showing the game's nasty-looking namesake.
And thank goodness, too, because I don't know how I could go on living
without this in my life.
The game itself comes on 5¼-inch and 3½-inch double-density floppy disks,
though you should really only bother with the 5¼-inch version.
Oddly enough, to cut down costs,
Activision had the digitized sound effects
and some of the stage backgrounds removed
to fit the game on a single 3½-inch disk.
So unless you install from the 5¼-inch floppies,
you're missing out on...
well, not much...really, to be honest.
But you're still technically missing out, and you don't want to do that, right?
Tongue of the Fatman starts with...
ugh, aww...
the nipples of the Fatman.
Seriously, does he have to fondle his man-boobs in front of you
with that nasty grin on his face?
I already feel dirty playing this and I haven't even gotten into the game yet.
After this...awkwardly arousing aereola action,
you're greeted with three fighters
and one of the few bits of digitized speech in the game.
[echoing male voice] Greetings!
Mondu welcomes you to the fight palace!
- So, the Fatman's name is, uh, Mondu the Fat,
and this is apparently his illegal fight palace.
At the beginning, you're able to choose from three fighters,
each of a different race with different fighting styles,
strengths and weaknesses.
Choose whichever fighter tickles your nipples,
and you're shown the Fatman himself once again,
along with a selection of his harem of freaks,
just to remind you that, yes, you brought this upon yourself
and you're still playing for some reason.
Then some slimeball calls you a slimeball
while some bizarrely upbeat and cheery music plays,
which means it's time for the pre-fight preparations.
This is one of the most unique aspects of the game,
where you're able to bet on the outcome of the fight
and take a look at your opponent bio if you want,
then choose how long you think it'll take for you to beat
said opponent into submission.
You can bet it all or bet conservatively,
and at the beginning, it's probably a good idea to do the latter,
if only to save some cash for weapons
and perhaps a revival if you lose.
Yes, you can also buy weapons and power-ups before each match,
which is the largest reason to make smart bets
and earn some more nipple dollars, or whatever they're called here.
You've got some items to increase attack power,
shield you, trip up your opponents,
and even give you temporary invisibility.
And yes, both fighters can go invisible at the same time.
And yes, this completely breaks the game
due to the fact that no one can see anything that's going on. Ha!
Of course, as you're about to see, that's the least of Tongue of the Fatman's troubles.
So, here's the deal:
it's a one-on-one fighter in the vein of Karateka, Street Fighter, Budokan,
and other mid-to-late-'80s brawlers before Street Fighter II came along
and showed everyone else how it's done.
So it does things a little differently,
like starting you out on the right side of the screen instead of the left,
popping up random, ugly alien heads in front of the action and obscuring your view,
and using four different meters to show each fighter's current condition
instead of just one or two.
The first is the EKG, which looks different for each fighter, but is effectively useless
since you don't need to see your heart rate to know you're dead.
The corpse on the floor kind of makes that obvious.
The green line shows the fighter's level of offensiveness.
If you ask me, ALL the fighters in Tongue of the Fatman are pretty offensive,
but no, it just shows how the fight is currently going.
So if you're beating the crap out of your opponent,
your green bar is longer.
The blue line shows your health,
so when that runs out, you're dead.
And the red line shows your attack effectiveness,
which is quite intriguing.
The more you perform individual attacks,
the less effective they become,
which encourages you to change up your attacks frequently.
Of course, actually performing these attacks
is about as manageable as performing brain surgery with a cheese grater.
In other words, the controls suck.
Majorly.
And trust me, I'm not just being harsh for harshness' sake,
I really did give this a chance.
Controlling your fighter really and truly sucks in Fatman,
no matter how much I get used to them.
It's one of those where it's made to play on a joystick with only one button,
so each direction does a different action.
And even more actions can also be triggered
by simultaneously holding down the action button.
Item use and management is also mixed into this mess of a control scheme,
all using the same directions and action button.
For instance, if you want to jump backwards away from your opponent,
you have to stand still, turn to face your opponent by holding down the action button
and pressing diagonally in the right direction,
then holding down the action button and pull straight back.
A high kick is standing still, then pulling back and upward diagonally,
or if the action button already pressed, then you just push directly up.
There are something like 18 moves per character,
plus the items and power-ups,
so this drawn out control method is incredibly counterintuitive.
And this was developed on the PC,
not the C64 or something else that used a one-button joystick,
so I have no idea why they didn't just give the option to map these moves across the keyboard.
Though it is a tad easier to play with a two-button joystick,
since the second button controls inventory items,
but it doesn't really help any of the rest of the moves.
You eventually kind of get used the funky controls,
although I still find myself fighting with myself
more often than I'm fighting with my opponent.
Not that fighting opponents is much better
due to the insanely cheap AI and bizarre hit detection.
Be prepared to be knocked down, thrown, and jumped on endlessly,
resulting in a ton of cheap deaths.
Not to mention the AI's liberal usage of several special moves and item power-ups,
sometimes instantaneously at the start of the match.
And then the hit detection sometimes just craps out
and your kicks and punches are left doing nothing
while your opponent throws you to the ground for the hundredth time.
And if you die, you'll be sent two opponents back.
Or if you're out of money, it's back to square one with the first opponent
and all progression lost.
You can at least start as different characters once you've beaten them, though,
but it's still a freakin' pain when you get pretty far up the ladder,
only to be killed off by a cheap fighter
that spams power-ups, knockdowns and stomping on your face.
If you have a friend you'd like to subject to the clunky controls,
there is a two-player mode available.
But if I'm going to go to the trouble of playing with another person,
the least I can do is provide a fun game.
So, yeah, I really have a bit of a hard time
saying that Tongue of the Fatman is worth playing.
Yes, it's fun when you somewhat get a grip of the clunky controls,
but the cheap opponents and lackluster hit detection ruins that for me.
Yes, the game has a bunch of cool features like betting,
earning money and weapons,
and little extras like the green chick at the end of a match
holding up a sign saying how awesome you are.
But the gameplay itself more often than not
just feels broken due to the struggle it is to even turn around,
or kick without getting pummeled with jump attacks,
spammed slimeballs and Zan Zan needles.
Yeah, I know that illegal alien bloodsport is probably *supposed* to be a bit unfair,
but that doesn't make for a fun game, if you ask me.
It's certainly a game that gets your attention
with its twisted characters, dark humor
and enjoyable sense of progression.
And for a 1989 PC fighting game, it's actually not that bad.
And you can tell the designers of the game had fun creating it,
but for me it's just not a fun game to actually play.
The only reasons I have that one should seek out Tongue of the Fatman
is for the nostalgia, if you grew up playing it,
or if you're into playing and collecting bizarre DOS games
and just want to say you've experienced it.
I fall into the latter category
because while I'm happy to have such an oddity in my collection,
it's simply not something that I can make myself play for very long
before getting a headache.
[MIDI music plays]