WELCOME.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, EVERYBODY OUT THERE WATCHING, EVERYBODY IN
HERE, DOWN THERE, UP THERE, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."en
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND WE ARE COMING TO YOU LIVE RIGHT NOW--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
COULDN'T PUT THAT UP IN IF WASN'T TRUE-- AFTER THE THIRD
DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE.
TONIGHT'S DEBATE WAS A BIG STEP FORWARD IN THE PRIMARY, BECAUSE
IT NARROWED DEMOCRATS DOWN TO THE TOP 10.
( LAUGHTER )
THE FANTASY SUITES!
( LAUGHTER )
NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN MATCH-UPS BETWEEN THE HEAVYWEIGHTS.
TONIGHT WAS THE FIRST TIME BIDEN AND WARREN SHARED THE DEBATE
STAGE.
AND THE FIREWORKS STARTED EARLY.
BEFORE THE DEBATE EVEN BEGAN, A BIDEN AIDE SAID THAT THE FORMER
V.P. WOULD TARGET WARREN BY ARGUING THAT "WE NEED MORE THAN
PLANS."
WARREN'S TEAM RESPONDED BY RELEASING HER "PLAN FOR WHEN WE
NEED MORE THAN PLANS PLAN."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SHE HAS A PLAN.
>> Jon: A PLAN.
>> Stephen: FOR THAT.
THE DEBATE STARTED, OF COURSE, WITH OPENING STATEMENTS, AND
ANDREW YANG CAME OUT STRONG.
>> IN AMERICA TODAY, EVERYTHING REVOLVES AROUND THE ALMIGHTY
DOLLAR.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY!
THANK YOU!
TOO MUCH STOCK IS BEING PUT ON, MONEY TODAY!
AND I AM SURE YOU NOW HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY THAT WON'T
TOTALLY UNDERCUT THAT POINT.
>> THAT'S WHY I'M GOING TO DO SOMETHING UNPRECEDENTED TONIGHT.
MY CAMPAIGN WILL NOW GIVE A FREEDOM DIVIDEND OF $1,000 A
MONTH FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR TO TENI AMERICAN FAMILIES.
>> Stephen: WOOOO!
"DADDY'S GOT DEEP POCKETS!
VOTE FOR ME, AND I'LL MAKE IT RAIN!
SHAKE 'EM UP, LADIES.FO I'VE GOT A LOT OF CASH."
UH-HUH.
♪ MONEY, MONEY, MONEY ♪ KAMALA HARRIS PROMISED TO
ADDRESS VOTERS' NEEDS.
>> I PLAN ON SPENDING TONIGHT TALKING WITH YOU ABOUT MY
PLANS TO ADDRESS THE PROBLEMS THAT KEEP YOU UP AT NIGHT.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE GONNA TALK TO ME ABOUT THAT TIME IN THIRD
GRADE WHERE I CALLED MY TEACHER
"MOM?"
NOW, BERNIE SANDERS, OF COURSE, LOOKS LIKE A MAN WHO ALWAYS
CARRIES A LOZENGE IN HIS POCKET, WELL, TONIGHT IT SHOULD HAVE
BEEN UNWRAPPED.
>> WE MUST AND WILL DEFEAT TRUMP, THE MOST DANGEROUS
PRESIDENT IN THE HISTORY OF THIS COUNTRY.
>> Stephen: (AS BERNIE) "ALMOST AS DANGEROUS AS THE
BUMBLEBEE THAT I SWALLOWED BEFORE THIS DEBATE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I AM GOING INTO ANAPHYLACTIC SHOCK, WHICH WOULD BE
COVERED UNDER MEDICARE FOR ALL."
( APPLAUSE )
>> I HAD TWO LITTLE KIDS, AND WHEN CHILDCARE NEARLY BROUGHT ME
DOWN, MY AUNT BEE MOVED IN AND SAVED US ALL.
>> Stephen: WAIT-- HOLD--VE WHAT?
AUNT BEA? IS ELIZABETH WARREN FROM MAYBERRY?
CAN SHE MAKE BARNEY NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER?
NOW, THE FRONTRUNNER, JOE BIDEN, WAS FEELING THE URGENCY OF THENT
NATIONAL MOMENT.
>> I REFUSE TO POSTPONE ONE MORE MINUTE.
>> Stephen: "BECAUSE I CLEARLY DON'T HAVE A LOT OF TIME
LEFT."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )R
AND BIDEN TOOK AIM AT ELIZABETH WARREN'S PREVIOUS ALIGNMENT WITH
BERNIE SANDERS.
>> I KNOW THAT THE SENATOR SAYS SHE'S FOR BERNIE.
WELL, I'M FOR BARACK.
>> Stephen: OOOH!IG HE MENTIONED OBAMA!
FOR THOSE PLAYING AT HOME, TIME TO TAKE A DRINK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OH, MMM.
MMM.
OH!
MMM.
IT REALLY HELPS YOU PRETEND OBAMA'S STILL PRESIDENT.
NOW, BIDEN, BIDEN PAINTED MEDICARE FOR ALL AS TOO
EXPENSIVE AND BERNIE WASN'T HAVING ANY OF IT.
>> EVERY STUDY DONE SHOWS THAT MEDICARE FOR ALL IS THE MOST
COST-EFFECTIVE APPROACH TO PROVIDING HEALTH CARE TO EVERY
MAN, WOMAN, AND CHILD IN THIS COUNTRY.
I WROTE THE DAMN BILL, IF I MAY SAY SO.
>> Stephen: (AS BERNIE) A "AND IT'S IMPERATIVE THAT WE
OVERHAUL HEALTHCARE IN THIS COUNTRY, BEFORE THE PARASITE
EMBEDDED IN MY THROAT WORKS ITS WAY UP TO MY BRAIN AND STARTS
CONTROLLING MY EVERY WORD AND DEED!"
"BECAUSE--
( APPLAUSE )
PHLEMSIVVAINIA."
THE SPARKS -- THIS IS WHERE THE SPARKS FLEW A LOT OF NIGHT.
SPARKS FLEW BETWEEN BIDEN AND BERNIE HERE.
>> LET US BE CLEAR, JOE.
IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, WE ARE SPENDING TWICE AS MUCH A
PER CAPITA ON HEALTH CARE AS THE CANADIANS OR ANY OTHER MAJOR
COUNTRY ON EARTH.DE >> THIS IS AMERICA.
>> Stephen: TAKE THAT TAKE THAT, FOLKS WHO SAY BIDENAS
IS GAFFE-PRONE.
HE JUST ACCURATELY IDENTIFYHO WHICH COUNTRY HE IS IN!
HE'S BACK, BABY.
THOUGH, THOUGH-- I'M NOT SURE WHAT THAT MEANT.
I'M REALLY NOT SURE WHAT THAT MEANT.
THOUGH, BIDEN DID HAVE ONE OF HIS CLASSIC GAFFES WHEN HE TRIED
TO REFER BACK TO SENATOR SANDERS.
>> NOBODY'S YET SAID HOW MUCH IT'S GOING TO COST THE TAXPAYER.
I HEAR THIS LARGE SAVINGS, THE PRESIDENT THINKS...
MY FRIEND FROM VERMONT THINKS...
>> Stephen: (AS BIDEN) "THE PRESIDENT THINKS, SORRY, I
MEAN, PRESIDENT SANDERS...
I MEAN-- I'M SORRY.
I MEANT COMMANDER IN CHIEF SANDERS.
I'M SORRY, I MEAN, COLONEL SANDERS.
HIS PLAN IS FINGER-LICKING BAD!" ONE OF THE MOST DRAMATIC MOMENTS
WAS WHEN JULIAN CASTRO WENT AFTER NOT ONLY BIDEN'S HEALTHOS
CARE PLAN, BUT BIDEN'S FAVORITE NAME TO DROP.
>> BARACK OBAMA'S VISION WAS NOT TO LEAVE TEN MILLION PEOPLE
UNCOVERED.
HE WANTED EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THIS COUNTRY COVERED.ONLY
MY PLAN WOULD DO THAT.
YOUR PLAN WOULD NOT.
>> THEY DO NOT HAVE TO BUY IN.
THEY DO NOT HAVE TO BUY IN.
>> YOU JUST SAID THAT-- YOU JUST SAID THAT TWO MINUTES AGO.D
YOU JUST TWO MINUTES AGO THEY WOULD HAVE TO BUY IN.
( BIDEN CROSSTALK ) >> IF YOU QUALIFY FOR MEDICAID
YOU WOULD AUTOMATICALLY-- >> ARE YOU FORGETTING WHAT YOU
SAID TWO MINUTES AGO?
>> Stephen: OOOH!
THE CROWD DID NOT LIKE JULIAN PLAYING THE "OLD MAN" CARD.
HE SHOULD REALLY RETHINK YOUR NEW SLOGAN: "CASTRO 2020: SHOVE
THE ELDERLY ONTO AN ICE FLOE."
DON'T WORRY, JULIAN.
IT'S NOT LIKE OLD PEOPLE VOTE.
THE MODERATORS DIDN'T PULL ANY PUNCHES WITH KAMALA HARRIS OVER
CRIMINAL JUSTICE REFORM.
>> YOU USED TO OPPOSE THE LEGALIZATION OF MARIJUANA.
NOW YOU DON'T.
YOU USED TO OPPOSE OUTSIDE INVESTIGATIONS OF POLICE
SHOOTINGS.
NOW YOU DON'T.
YOU SAID YOU CHANGED ON THESE AND OTHER THINGS BECAUSE
YOU WERE "SWIMMING AGAINST THE CURRENT, AND, THANKFULLY, THE
CURRENTS HAVE CHANGED."
BUT WHEN YOU HAD THE POWER, WHY DIDN'T YOU TRY TO EFFECT CHANGE
THEN?
( AUDIENCE APPLAUSE )T >> Stephen: "AND A QUICK
FOLLOW-UP QUESTION: ARE YOU A COP?
YOU HAVE TO TELL ME IF YOU'RE A COP."
AND THEN, JOE BIDEN MADE A VERY BOLD PROPOSAL GAFFE...
>> NOBODY SHOULD BE IN JAIL FOR A NONVIOLENT CRIME.
>> Stephen: ...TO WHICH ONE NON-VIOLENT CRIMINAL SAID:
( AS TRUMP ) "OH, THANK GOD.
JOE 2020.
I'M TOO PRET FOR JAIL.
I GOTTA GO WITH JOE."
BETO GOT IMPASSIONED ABOUT GUN CONTROL, AND HE WAS REALLY READY
TO TAKE A BIG SWING.
>> HELL, YES, WE'RE GOING TO TAKE YOUR AR-15, YOUR AK-47
( APPLAUSE )
BE USED AGAINST OUR FELLOW AMERICANS ANYMORE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BETO WENT THERE.
THAT TAKES COURAGE.
AND NOT JUST POLITICAL COURAGE-- PEOPLE IN TEXAS HAVE A LOT OF
GUNS.
( LAUGHTER )
HUMANIZE HIMSELF, TELL HIS STORY, AND TALKED ABOUT HIS
IMMIGRANT FATHER.
>> MY FATHER GREW UP ON A PEANUT FARM IN ASIA WITH NO
FLOOR, AND NOW HIS SON IS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.
>> Stephen: AND THE "HUMBLE BACKGROUND GAMES" ARE
OFFICIALLY OPEN.
( LAUGHTER )
"NO-FLOOR PEANUT FARM?" THE BIDDING STARTS AT "SLEPT IN
A BUCKET BEHIND A COCKFIGHT."
ANYONE?
DO I HEAR, "MY MOTHER GREW UP UNDER A POTATO FARM WITH NO
ROOF?" ANYONE?
KAMALA HARRIS ENDED HER TRADE TALK WITH A ZING AGAINST THE MAN
IN CHARGE.
>> BUT THE BOTTOM LINE IS THIS: DONALD TRUMP IN OFFICE ON TRADE
POLICY, YOU KNOW, HE REMINDS ME OF THAT GUY IN "THE WIZARD OF
OZ."
WHEN YOU PULL BACK THE CURTAIN, IT'S A REALLY SMALL DUDE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE METAPHOR.
BUT "THAT GUY FROM 'THE WIZARD OF OZ'?"
YOU MEAN THE WIZARD OF OZ?
( LAUGHTER )
"I'M GOING TO FIGHT FOR YOU.
I'M GOING TO FIGHT FOR YOU LIKE THAT GUY FROM 'RAMBO.'
YOU KNOW, THAT GUY, WHATEVER THAT GUY WAS."
THEN, MAYOR PETE WEIGHED IN ON AMERICA'S OVERSEAS WARS.
>> THE BEST WAY NOT TO BE CAUGHT UP IN ENDLESS WAR IS TO AVOID
STARTING ONE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
>> Stephen: WAIT A SECOND.
YOU WERE ASKED ABOUT GETTING OUT OF AFGHANISTAN, AND YOUR
PROPOSAL IS NOT TO HAVE STARTED THE WAR?
DO YOU HAVE A TIME MACHINE?
BECAUSE THAT WOULD MAKE SENSE.
FOR PETE'S SAKE, DOC BROWN IS RIGHT THERE!E WA
( AS BERNIE ) "THE TOP--
( APPLAUSE )
GIGAWATTS!"
( APPLAUSE )
CORY BOOKER ABOUT THE ETHICS OF BOOKER'S VEGAN DIET.
>> AFTER THE RECENT FIRES IN THE AMAZON, SOME EXPERTS SUGGESTED
THAT EATING LESS MEAT IS ONE WAY TO HELP THE ENVIRONMENT.
YOU ARE A VEGAN SINCE 2014.
THAT'S, OBVIOUSLY, A PERSONAL CHOICE.
SHOULD MORE AMERICANS-- INCLUDING THOSE HERE IN TEXAS,
AND IN IOWA-- FOLLOW YOUR DIET?V >> YOU KNOW, FIRST OF ALL, I
WANT TO SAY, NO.
ACTUALLY, I WANT TO TRANSLATE THAT INTO SPANISH: NO.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD JOKE.
IT'S ALL PART OF BOOKER'S NEW COMEDY SPECIAL, "PRESS 1 FOR
ENGLISH, PRESS 2 FOR HILARIOUS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: THAT'S SO WRONG!
>> Stephen: AMY KLOBUCHAR ADDRESSED CLIMATE CHANGE WITH
THIS TIMELY REFERENCE: >> THIS IS THE EXISTENTIAL
CRISIS OF OUR TIME.
IT'S-- YOU KNOW THAT MOVIE, "THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW"?
IT'S TODAY.
>> Stephen: ( AS KLOBUCHAR ) "AND YOU KNOW THAT MOVIE
'YESTERDAY'?
THAT'S TOMORROW."
>> Jon: WOW.
( APPLAUSE )
TECHNOLOGICAL WHEN TALKING ABOUT EDUCATION.
>> PLAY THE RADIO.
MAKE SURE THE TELEVISION-- EXCUSE ME, MAKE SURE YOU HAVE
THE RECORD PLAYER ON AT NIGHT, THE PHON-- MAKE SURE THAT KIDS
HEAR WORDS.
>> Stephen: ( AS BIDEN ) "CRANK THE VICTROLA AND PUT ON
THE MITCH MILLER!
GET YOURSELF A NEW WIRELESS SET AND GATHER AROUND THE WHOLE
FAMILY.
LISTEN TO F.D.R. GIVE IT GOOD TO TOJO AND HIS BOYS!" W
SO IN THE END WHAT DID WE GET?
TEN CANDIDATE, FOUR MODERATORS, TWO LANGUAGES, AND HOPEFULLY ONE
PERSON WHO CAN BEAT DONALD TRUMP.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TONIGHT.