*Rage Quit intro music*
Wha--Why the fuck are they going ahead of me?!
Just wait, I'll go ahead,
and kill everyone, then you can fucking
come down the empty fucking canyon!
Why are you flying ahead?
Why are we on--a track?
Why--WHY ARE YOU STILL MOVING?!
NO, you're gonna die!
Oh, look at me, I'll fly right the fuck over there!
Look at Iron Man.
HEY, FUCK NUGGETS! I got a suggestion for ya!
Wait for me to KILL EVERYONE AND THEN go ahead!
Look at these dumb fucks,
they're just crashing and burning!
That guy--that guy literally just--fucking--crashed, into
the plane, or the helicopter, WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS,
THAT WAS ALREADY ON THE GROUND!!!
Yeah, hit the left bumper for boost! Look at me!
Fucking FLYING AT MACH SPEED HERE, TONY!!
Seriously?
Ho...ly...fuck, WHAT is he DOING?!
YEAH I'M HITTING LEFT BUMPER FOR A BURST OF SPEED!!
This is what it's doing. This is a burst?
This is a burst?
It looks like he's going: Unh!
Unh!
Fucking FLY, you dumb shit!
Heeeyyy!
Nooo-
*rage noises*
Are you fucking kidding me?
They couldn't keep up with me?
DID YOU SEE MY SPEED BURST?!
I was moving at like two fucking feet a minute!
Shut the fuck up, GO FASTERRR!
LOOK AT HOW SLOW THEY'RE MOVING!!
*sighs*
So, uh, you see this little canyon we're in?
Got some fucking turrets,
and uh, missile launchers,
and tanks...
Why don't we, uh...
FLY THE FUCK OVER THERE?!!
WHY ARE WE IN HERE?!
*sighs* I'm just sitting here waiting for these helicopters.
This is like the most boring fucking thing you could possibly do, in any video game ever,
let alone a FUCKING IRON MAN GAME!
I'm a fuck--LOOK, THEY'VE STOPPED!
HE'S DEAD STOPPED!!
I'M A SUPERHERO! I WANNA BLOW SHIT UP!
Get the fuck OUTTA MY WAY!!
GOD DAMMIT, WE'RE FLYING IN AIR!
You should be able to avoid me! I'm one guy, I'm a dude!
I'm just going to fly in between them to pass the fucking time,
until we get to the part, where they ALL BLOW UP EVERY TIME!!
Stop moving, stop moving...
If only our helicopters could do that.
See how he's flying, up and down,
and AROUND,
and in different FUCKING DIRECTIONS?!!
NO! WE'RE JUST FUCKING FLYING IN A STRAIGHT PATH,
AT THE EXACT SAME LEVEL, LIKE FUCKING LEMMINGS,
GOING 1 MILE AN HOUR!
I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE GETTING DESTROYED-
AND LOOK AT HOW THAT FUCKING HELICOPTER FALLS!
IT'S JUST LIKE:
"Well, just, uh, flying around,"
"OH MY GOD WE'RE BEING OVERCOME BY GRAVITY!!"
[explosion]
And then it just fucking crashes.
It doesn't even crash!
It literally just GOES DOWN!
That's how shitty this game is!
They don't even have, like, a c--
LOOK, THAT helicopter crashed!
You see it spin, in fucking circles?!
And the pilot's just like:
"IT'S OUTTA CONTROL!"
That one's just like: "Whoooaaa--NOPE!!"
And fucking hits the fucking ground.
Ridiculous.
Absolutely ridiculous, Tony Stark.
Iron Man to SHIELD man guard,
we'll have Jarvis send you updated images
of this fucking piece of shit game.
*krssh* Affirmative, Iron Man, uh, this game's fucking terrible,
I've also got confirmed reports of it, uh, sucking donkey balls.
*sighs* It just takes so long...
OH WHA-WHAT THE FUCK?!!
How'd I do that?
AW, I CAN FUCKIN' FLY LIKE SUPERMAN?!
GOD damn-
It still doesn't help me because I can't go further ahead,
because I'll still FUCKING FAIL!!
So THANKS for giving me speed, THAT I CAN'T FUCKING USE!!!
(in nerdy voice) So I got a great idea for Iron Man 2,
what we're gonna do is,
we're gonna put him in this canyon, alright?
and then there's gonna be a tank! *weird laugh*
Then he'll have to kill the tank. Gamers are gonna love it. They'll go crazy.
I'll put some turrets in that canyon too.
Really throw 'em through a loop.
Then you know what we're gonna do?
Put him on the ground, and when they least expect it,
WHABAM! ANOTHER FUCKIN' TANK! OH, THEY'LL NEVER SEE IT COMIN', GAME OF THE YEAR!
*in normal voice* This is what I do to pass the time.
to get though the fucking first 8 minutes,
where NOTHING HAPPENS!!
Just fucking cruisin', flying up and down, like a fucking idiot...
I just wanna suicide into those fucking helicopters.
Fuck it.
Fuck it!
*sighs* Nope, that doesn't do anything.
Oh, apparently, I've flown too high and alerted the area defenses.
Please explain to me how this is different, from when I fly LOW,
and alert the area defenses in 10 fucking seconds!
They're gonna murder me anyway!
I get fucking blown to kingdom-come,
every fucking time!
Why can't I fly up, and get a god damn tactical advantage?!
No, they want me down in the fucking trench!
You know what happens in the trenches?!
YOU ALL GET BLOWN UP!!
Ever see Star Wars?!
How many fucking people made it out of the god damn Death Star run?!
I'll tell ya:
ONE!
Luke,
the god damn Jedi fucking Knight!
FUCK that!
I'm not gonna be fuckin' Biggs,
I'm not gonna be RED 3,
I'M OUT! I'M OUT of this shit!
Fuck YOU, this game's a piece of shit,
I'm gonna go eat some turkey and take a nap.
*outro music*