'Robin where are you? I can't see you, come into the light.'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘If you ain’t got something nice to say then shut the fudge up.’
We’re looking at Trapped Alive, with a brief appearance by Cameron Mitchell.
‘You noticed that, huh?’
Two women battle through the snow to reach a party.
‘Do you realise, innocent child, that just 5 miles down the road a horde of beautiful and horny young men are panting for our bodies.’
The stakes couldn’t be higher.
But this a bad area.
That’s like an open acknowledgement they’re going to get out.
Which is accurate.
As the girls are hijacked by escaped convicts.
‘The whole army couldn’t put us back in there could they Face?’
‘Right Mungo’
Face and Mungo – bad guy names,
but their driver, Hot Rod, has got young, innocent, ‘I got forced into this’ written across his clichéd character.
The girls are Monica and… I didn’t catch the other one?
‘It’s Robin’
Bit of a manly name if you ask me.
Speaking of names, they drive into the grounds of a disused mine.
Forever Mine was the name of the film when it was shot in 1988 but had changed by the time of its release in 1993
– always a hallmark of quality.
They ‘enter’ the mine...
and go deeper.
Mungo landing badly.
#Hasn't anyone got a god damn light?'
Meanwhile, the deputy Sheriff has arrived to look for the convicts.
‘I’m sorry operator I didn’t mean to shout I’m having a hard time hearing it’
That’s okay. How’s your bit of the film going? Ours is terrible.
‘Yes, it’s bad here too’
Frankly I’m thinking of switching off.
‘If you could just try it one more time.’
Alright, but if it gets any dumber I’m bailing.
'Ok, thank you.'
And the tense plotline of four people lost in a mine takes a brief pause so the deputy can get his end away.
‘Down… until you find a shaft’
Carry on Trapped Alive.
Back to the mine and things are going badly,
Hot Rod goes back to the entrance to find something has eaten Mungo’s face.
Robin is locked in and it seems she’s not alone,
while Monica...
‘Dance for me.’
Strictly Trapped Alive.
‘No! NO! No!’
it’s lock step, ball change, open turn, not lock step, ball change, reverse spin!
Let’s try something else.
‘Strip for Daddy’
Isn’t amazing how, even with its protagonists trapped in a mine, an 80s film will always include a strip scene?
And, this is while Robin is apparently under attack, that’s what we should be focussed on.
Oh good, the deputy has stopped nailing the locals for long enough to do his job,
someone help Robin, she’s probably been killed by…
'Thank God.'
Last time we saw her...
followed by 15 minutes where we don’t know what’s going on and then...
‘But I thought there was something in there trying to get me but there wasn’t.’
Obviously it’s foreshadowing but, just not how tension is developed.
‘This is bad shit’
Also we have to deal with Robin’s epic case of Stockholm syndrome,
‘So are you upset about being caught?’
50 conversation starters to use on escaped convicts.
‘Randy and Robin, sort of has a ring to it, don’t you think?’
I actually don’t.
‘It’s really important for me to know why you were in jail’
Probably should have asked that first.
I predict a sob story, but it’ll take a powerful music cue to sell it.
‘Then he hits this little kid...’
#Solom ketboard music cue#
Well now I know you’re only accessory to child murder, I’m completely onside.
And that does seem to be where the film thinks I should be.
‘Those other 2 are killers’
‘Does that make me a killer?’
The deputy’s not exactly covered himself in glory,
‘Does it turn you on?’
but he came down here to help the girls while Hot Rod, now going by Randy,
did sod all as they were kidnapped, threatened and abused.
‘Your jokes are killing me man’
And subscribers will already be aware how much this pisses me off.
Anyway, the film now takes something of left turn.
Not totally unexpected but we are an hour in.
The three survivors try to escape.
‘I’m going down’
If they put half the effort into the story they put into inventing reasons for women to take their clothes off.
She’s looking for a way out but they don’t even end up going that way,
and while she’s gone...
The fact she’s down there too and they somehow miss each other makes it even more ridiculous.
Menaced them for 20 minutes of a 90 minute film.
What was it anyway?
‘Congratulations, you killed my father’
Here’s the thing. This ought to be Predator underground, but it’s so badly done.
‘Now I know this may sound silly.’
I actively dislike the hero, the storytelling is all over the place,
And the love story gets the Dark Corners fifty shades of Grey award for a woman falling in love with her abuser...
the ending is ridiculous.
‘Well I guess it doesn’t matter any more, does it’
Plus, Robin is clearly a man’s name.
Thanks for watching. There’s a lot more to say about this one so if you’d like to hear more and see an uncensored version of the review, join us as an acolyte.
What would be another good setting for a Predator type movie? Let us know in the comments below.
'We're out of here.'