Hello everybody, My name is Markiplier
and Welcome to Cards Against Humanity.
You guys asked for it after we did that stupid
Millionaire game by Rooster Teeth.
Fuck those guys.
I hate 'em.
They deserve to die.
Tyler: Yeah, let's redo that intro.
Mark: I may have gone too far.
*Giggling*
Love those guys!
Those Rooster Teeth...
*Lots of stuttering*
*Nervous finger tapping*
I don't like them.
*Ethan's laughing*
*Everyone giggling*
Mark: Ahh No. This is not how
this video is supposed to start.
Ethan: That sounded so genuine.
*Mark hard giggling*
It's a whole bunch of people.
They're fine, I have nothing against them.
They sent me a lovely gift basket with that
game in it.
But I'm trying to say is, it doesn't
hold a CANDLE
to Cards Against Humanity!
Which is what we got right here
and in addition to Cards Against Humanity
we got you guys's suggestions
right here, along with the Twitter handles of the people who made it.
Right in there!
So, welcome Tyler,
*Tyler waves funny*
Welcome E-tahn,
*Ethan waves funny*
And welcome you guys.
Give yourself a round of applause.
Yeah...Keep going...Alright now
There we go, that's good.
So you guys are here, which is amazing
because you GUYS JUST WON A NEW CAR!
*Mark whispering* fuck I shouldn't lie
I-I just keep lying.
We're going to play Cards Against Humanity.
The point of the video is we can be a crude as we want!
That we can say whatever we want!
There's no rules!
*Ethan giggling*
Ethan & Tyler: Put your shirt back on.
Mark: There's one rule! Hi, I'm Mark, I steal jokes.
Tyler: Hello everybody, welcome to this video! I'm sorry.
Mark: I'm sorry, that's how every Markiplier video should go.
Hi!
We're so sorry,
and we're already sorry because we're going to play
Cards Against Humanity
and we have not seen the suggestions.
Amy wrote down all the suggestions.
Thank you so much.
Uh, Kathryn helped shuffle these. *Ethan giggling*
*Mark and Ethan giggling*
I didn't mean to like compare apples to apples there.
That's not what I was doing. I was just saying you guys helped out.
I'M NOT AN ASSHOLE!
Kathryn helped- *turns into giggling*
*Mark & Ethan giggling*
AHH! Let's just get into the game!
OK, WE KNOW HOW TO PLAY! YOU ALL KNOW HOW TO PLAY!
Just draw a card. I don't-
Ethan: How many cards?
Mark: I don't know. I'm going to deal, I think.
Ethan: It's like 7, right?
This is the weirdest deal I've ever done in my life.
OK! So who's going to go first?
Who goes first?
Who's the first- *turns into giggling*
*Everyone giggling*
Ethan: What's your question?
Mark: Who...never mind.
Tyler: I'm the professional here.
Mark: Never mind.
I was going to provide an alternative but we didn't even get to it.
I was going to say like
Who- who's the last person that committed a crime?
*giggling*
Tyler: Why are you looking at me?!
Ethan: Why don't we just do Rock Paper Scissors?
Mark: I DONT KNOOWW!
Ethan: Ho-kay.
*Rock Paper Scissors SHOOT!*
*Mark fails miserably*
Mark: FUCK!
Wait does that mean I draw?
Ethan: No.
Ethan: This is for who get to be the Card Czar.
Tyler: No, you don't want to be the judge because-
Mark: Well than that just means-
Well that just means I do it!
Ethan: Yeah. Yeah.
Mark: You guys better make me laugh.
"Honey, I have a new role-play I want to try tonight."
"You can be ___ and I'll be ___."
Oh, I'm not looking, sorry.
*Mark and Ethan giggling*
I forgot about this part.
Tyler: The first blank goes on bottom, Ethan.
Ethan: Ok.
Mark: Yeah, so it's logical.
What you should do is just place them in weird parts on the table
and just grab them.
Ethan: Why?
Mark: I don't know.
Ethan: Why are you trying to add a weird element to the game?
Mark: I just want- No, I'm trying to make it work
so I don't know who did who!
And put rando in there!
Ethan: Ooh yeah.
Mark: Forgot about rando. We might need more cards.
I forgot about rando.
Mark: Oh shoot-
Tyler: You should open your eyes.
Mark: Ooh boy. Alright.
So, "Honey, I have a new role-play I want to try tonight."
"You can be-"
"Ethan's Youtube career"
"and I'll be-"
"getting all offended." *Mark giggling*
Alright.
"You can be-"
"some sort of Asian"
"and I'll be-"
"my girthy cock." *turns into laughter*
"You can be-"
"Cool Relatable Cancer Teen"
"and I'll be-"
"a butt plug collection."
Oh yeah! "Ethan's Youtube career" is by @Soshiyari,
"My girthy cock" is by Mythiplier,
and "A butt plug collection" is by XBrokenHow-
Ethan: EW! *points at something on the table*
Mark: How- What is THAT?
Ethan: That has goop in it.
Mark: Is that my spit?
Tyler: It JUST came out while you were talking.
Ethan: That's gross. Mark has phlegm.
Mark: Give me the- the sanitizer.
Tyler: Not sponsored by Germ-X.
Mark: Sponsored by Germ-X.
I wish we were sponsored by Germ-X.
I'm holding out for that sweet Germ-X sponsorship.
"Cool relatable cancer teen" wins.
Ethan and Tyler: Rando!
Mark: Fuuck!
What- these were yours?
Ethan and Tyler: Yeeess!
Ethan: I was that one.
Tyler: I was this one.
*Everyone laughing*
Tyler: "Every step towards ___ gets me a little bit closer to ___."
I can see you, Mark.
Mark: Stop.
Tyler: "Every step towards-"
"Frobo's anal ring"
*Ethan giggling*
"gets me a little bit closer to-"
"the correct way to bleach an anus."
"Frobo's anal ring" is by Katie Fooks
and "the correct way to bleach an anus" is by Phil M. Hepler.
"Every step towards-"
"an unforgettable Quinceanera"
"gets me a little bit closer to-"
"getting caught by the police and going to jail."
"Every step towards-"
"sharks with legs"
"gets me a little bit closer to-"
"my boyfriend's stupid penis."
It's certainly would be unforgettable
if you got caught by the police and went to jail.
Mark: Yeah, let's go logical on this one.
An anal ring and anus th-that's kinda correlated.
Ethan: Kind of correlated? *Mark and Ethan laughing*
*Tyler selects the winner*
Mark: YAAAAY! I WIN!
Ethan: I was so wishing that that would have been rando.
Mark: Ooh yeah.
Mark: I'm "Frobo's anal ring" and "the correct way to bleach and anus".
Good call Amy!
Ethan: "Oprah's Book of the Month is '___ for ___ : A Story of Hope'."
*Mark giggling*
Ethan: I can already tell this is gonna be great.
Tyler: *creepily* Open your eyes
Mark: Open your eyes. You too.
Oh, that don't make sense.
*Everyone laughing*
*Mark laughing really hard*
Ethan: I like to imagine that people were watching with their eyes closed.
*Mark giggling*
Ethan: The whole time up until now.
Mark: HEY! YOU LISTENING IN THE BACKGROUND WHILE YOU'RE WORKING,
PAY THE FUCK ATTENTION! IT'S IMPORTANT NOW!
Ethan: "Oprah's Book of the Month is-"
" 'Unheathing My Mass- Unsheathing My Massive Horse Cock"
*Ethan giggling*
"for-"
"a Face Full of Horse Cum: " *Ethan and Mark laughing*
"A Story of Hope."
*Mark and Ethan breaking in laughing*
Ethan: "Oprah's Book of the Month is-"
" 'A Team of Lawyers for Three Consectutive Seconds of Happiness: "
"A Story of Hope' ."
Or-
"Oprah's Book of the Month is-"
" 'The Secret Formula for Ultimate Female Satisfaction"
"for Fucking a Corpse Back to Life: " *Mark and Ethan breaking in laughing*
"A Story of Hope.' "
I-I think it's...funny that Oprah's book would be...
" 'Unsheathing Her Massive Horse Cock for a Face Full of Horse Cum' "
Mark: Is that the one you pick? *giggling*
Ethan: *Ethan laughing* Yeah.
Mark: Hehehe, yay. That was mine. I-
Ethan: You're getting a lot of ones that-
Mark: I was the horse cock.
"In his new action comedy, Jackie Chan must fend of ninjas"
"while also dealing with ___ ."
*Ethan slow, creepy laughing*
Mark: Now you close your eyes. WHHOOOOOOP!
Sorry I saw that, Tyler. *turns into laughter*
Alright, "In his new action comedy, Jackie Chan must fend of ninjas"
"while also dealing with-"
"AIDS monkeys."
..."while also dealing with-"
"butt stuff."
..."while also dealing with-"
"Mom's new boyfriend."
That sounds like an actual Jackie Chan movie. *turns into laughing*
I'd pick "Mom's new boyfriend".
Ethan: Damn.
Mark: Ahaha!
Oh! Sorry, open your eyes! *Mark and Ethan giggling*
WHOOOPP!
Aw, sorry you missed all of that.
Tyler won with "Momma's new boyfriend".
What was yours?
Ethan: "Butt stuff".
Mark: Oh, "AID monkeys" was rando. *turns in to laughter*
Whoops.
Tyler: "Man, this is bullshit. Fuck ___ ."
*Mark laughing with Ethan joining in*
Mark: Alright, you can open.
Tyler" "Man, this is bullshit. Fuck-"
"Ethan's peanut allergy."
*Ethan giggling*
by Amanda Sheeze.
"Man, this is bullshit. Fuck-"
"backflipping into Tyler's ass."
*Mark and Ethan break out laughing*
by Ethan's Gizmo.
"Man, this is bullshit. Fuck-"
"Almost giving money to a homeless person."
*Mark and Ethan giggling*
Ethan: I like how you're reading who they're by like it's a book title.
*Mark and Ethan hard laughing*
Ethan: "Back flipping into Tyler's ass."
YES! That was me!
Mark: Awww.
Ethan: I got "Ethan's peanut allergy."
Mark: I figured you wouldn't be pissed about
people backflipping into your ass.
I mean I figured you would be but-
Tyler: When you started laughing, I expected "I'm Tyler".
Ethan: "You guys, I saw this crazy movie last night."
"It opens up on ___ and then there's some stuff"
"about ___ and then it ends with ___ ."
Mark: Alright, you're good.
Ethan: Okie.
*Mark makes a weird cough/barf sound*
Ethan: "You guys, I saw this crazy movie last night."
"It opens up-"
"Wade's face"
"and then there's some stuff about-"
"subscribing to Markiplier"
"and then it ends with-"
"drinking responsibly."
"Wade's face" is by Polisssiplier-
Mark: Policeiplier.
Ethan: Yeeeah. That would make sense.
*Mark and Ethan laughing*
"subscribe to Marker-" *Ethan bursts into laughter*
*Mark and Tyler shake their heads*
"subscribe to Markiplier" is by It's Me It's Steph,
and "drinking responsibly" is the fucking game. *breaks into giggles*
"You guys, I saw this crazy movie last night."
"It opens on-" *Ethan already starts laughing*
"ejaculating inside another man's wife"
"and then there's some stuff about-"
"depression"
*Mark and Ethan trying to hold it together*
"and then it ends with-"
"with anal fissures like you wouldn't believe."
"You guys, I saw this crazy movie last night."
"It opens on-"
"some shit hot guitar licks"
"and then there's some stuff about-"
"a payote fueled vision quest"
"and then it ends with-"
"lots and lots of abortions."
I really like "ejaculating inside another man's wife."
*Tyler and Ethan start hard laughing*
Tyler: Wait-!
Ethan: I think that is because it is really funny.
Sorry, Mark.
Mark: No, that's fine. I don't know. That was pretty good.
Ethan: I'm assuming this one's yours.
Mark: No.
Ethan: No?
Tyler: That was the rando.
Ethan: This was rando? Wow.
Mark: Rando, yeah.
"The Japanese have developed a smaller"
"more efficient version of ___ ."
Ethan: Okay.
Mark: Ok. *Mark makes more throw up noises*
"The Japanese have developed a smaller"
"more efficient version of-"
"P. F. Chang himself"
"goose" by @LovelyBlueBoy,
and
"moderate to severe plaque psoriasis" by Authentic Katelyn.
You guys think you're funny, huh?
You guys think you're funny- I PICK P. F. CHANG!
Tyler: Thank you.
Mark: Fuck. *giggles*
Tyler: "Alright bros, our frat house is condemned"
"and all the hot slam pieces are over at Gamma Phi."
"The time has come to commence operation ___ ."
*Mark silently giggling
Tyler: I appreciate that you're laughing and you're proud of yourself.
Ethan: Go ahead, Tyler.
Tyler: "Alright bros, our frat house is condemned"
"and all the hot slam pieces are over at Gamma Phi."
"The time has come to commence operation-"
" 'Bullets.' "
*Mark trying to hold it together*
"The time has come to commence operation-"
" 'The Hunting Stare of an Iraqi Child.' "
Ethan and Tyler: Haunting?
Tyler: Haunting.
Who- uh. I didn't speak right.
"The time has come to commence operation-"
" 'Rabies.' "
Ethan: Why are you laughing so hard?
Mark: *speaking gibberish* uuum n-no.
I can't explain *gibberish laughter* just let me enjoy this.
Tyler: This one is fitting in my mood for these cards right now.
Mark: Cool, thanks. *giggles*
I just imagine- I imagine a frat house that's so stupid
That they just call their operation to shoot up Gamma Phi"
'Operation Bullets'.
And that was really funny to me.
Ethan: "This is the prime of my life. I'm young, hot and full of ___ ."
*Mark quietly giggling*
"This is the prime of my life. I'm young, hot and full of-"
"doodoo."
*Mark struggling to contain his laughter*
"This is the prime of my life. I'm young, hot and full of-"
"Genghis Khan's DNA?"
"This is the prime of my life. I'm young, hot and full of-"
"pussy."
*Everyone erupts into a laughing fit*
Tyler: That wasn't me!
Ethan: Was it you?
Mark: *cry laughing* That was Rando.
Ethan: Yeah!
Ethan: Good job rando.
Mark: I was doodoo.
*Everyone giggling*
Ethan: Of course you were.
Mark: "I'm pretty sure I'm high right now"
"because I'm absolutely mesmerized by ___ ."
"I'm pretty sure I'm high right now"
"because I'm absolutely mesmerized by-
"the swim team all at once."
"I'm absolutely mesmerized by-"
"seeing my village burn and my family slaughtered before my eyes."
"I'm absolutely mesmerized by-"
"ten incredible facts about the anus."
*Ethan giggling*
I mean mine were bad but...
these are logical.
*Tyler and Ethan breaks into laughter*
Ethan: These are logical?
*Everyone laughing*
Mark: Shut up. They are.
I'm gonna go with "ten incredible facts about the anus."
Tyler: Thank you.
"It lurks in the night. It hungers for flesh."
"This summer, no one is safe from ___ . "
*Ethan giggling*
Tyler: "It lurks in the night. It hungers for flesh."
"This summer, is no one-"
*giggles and shrugs* This summer is no one!
"This summer, no one is safe from-"
"Russian super-tuberculosis."
"This summer, no one is safe from-"
"Momiplier." *giggling*
Ear...
I-R-R-X-
T-I-O-N-ALL
Mark: Irrexional erection.
*laughs*
Tyler: I wasn't about to say it.
Mark: Erectional *Everyone laughs*
Tyler: Erectional.
Mark: That was a good name. *giggles some more*
"This summer, no one is safe from-"
"like a million alligators."
"Momiplier" was the winner.
Mark: Yaaaay *turns into laughter*
I just imagine my mom in a bush at night.
*Tyler hard laughing*
Mark: *impersonating his mom* 'Don't sneak on me. I sneak on you.'
Ethan: "If you can't handle ___ , you better stay away from ___ ."
"If you can't handle-"
"ripping a dog in half,"
"you better- *Ethan has a laughing fit*
"If you can't handle ripping a dog in half,"
"you better wa- stay away from-"
"whatever McRib is made of."
"If you can't handle-"
"filling a man's anus with concrete,"
*Mark and Ethan trying to hold themselves together*
"you better stay away from-"
"a sex comet from Neptune that plunges the Earth"
"into eternal sexiness."
"If you can't handle-"
"getting shot out of a cannon,"
"you better stay away from-"
"the 8 gay warlocks who dictate the rules of fashion."
*Ethan hyperventilating from laughing*
This one- "the man's anus concrete".
Mark: That's Rando. *turns into laughter*
*Everyone bursts into laughter*
Ethan: That's so funny.
Mark: That's such a good card.
"A sex comet from Neptune that plunges the Earth into eternal sexiness."
That's so good.
"I'm sorry Sir, but we don't allow ___ at the country club."
"I'm sorry Sir, but we don't allow-"
"The Boner Cast"
"at the country club."
"Boner Cast" by @Clara_Grooves
"I'm sorry Sir, but we don't allow-"
"crippling social anxiety"
"at the country club."
"I'm sorry Sir, but we don't allow-"
"eating together like a goddamn family for once"
"at the country club."
*quietly* I guess "The Boner Cast".
Ethan: Heh. Yaaay.
*Mark and Ethan giggling*
Tyler: So how many cards you got?
Mark: *quietly* I don't know.
Four.
Ethan: Heh. I've got twooo.
*Mark sighs*
Tyler: Mark and I both have four.
Mark: Nobody wins.
Ethan: *giggles* It's a face off.
*Everyone giggling*
Tyler: It's a faace off.
Mark: It's a faace off *turns into laughter*
Ethan: I go for one more.
and I choose the winner.
Mark: Ooh okay.
That makes sense.
Ethan: "How am I compensating for my tiny penis?"
Mark: Aright, you take this half of the deck. I'm taking this half.
We're picking the ultimate card.
*Ethan does a weird cough thing*
Mark: Oh man. Pick three and just slap it down there. I'm just gonna do three rando's.
Ethan: So I have to go through nine cards?
Mark: Yup you do.
Now you have to- No, it's not there yet.
Ethan: Oh I sorry. I thought- Mark: Jesus Christ.
*Ethan rambling nonsense*
Mark: Wait. Wait. Wait.
Now we'll never know whose is whose.
Ethan: "How am I compensating for my tiny penis?"
"A giant powdery man baby."
"How am I compensating for my tiny penis?"
"Peeing into a girls butt to make a baby."
"How am I compensating for my tiny penis?"
"Deez nuts."
Ethan: "How am I compensating for my tiny penis?"
Denzle. Denzel.
Mark: Denzel.
Ethan: "How am I compensating for my tiny penis?"
"Teaching a girl how to hand job a penis."
*Everyond bursts out laughing*
Ethan: "How am I compensating for my tiny penis?"
"Setting my balls on fire and cartwheeling to Ohio."
"How am I compensating for my tiny penis?"
"Figuring out how to have sex with a dolphin."
"How do I comp- How am I compensating for my tiny penis?"
"Ejaculating live bees and the bees are angry."
And the final...card.
"How am I compensating for my tiny penis?"
The size of my- *bursts out laughing with Mark*
Ethan: "The size of my penis."
The final three.
"The size of my penis,"
"Peeing into a girls butt to make a baby,"
"Teaching a girl how to handjob a penis."
*Ethan snickering*
*Everyone starts laughing*
Ethan: "How am I compensating for my tiny penis?"
"The size of my penis." *giggling* Was that rando?
Tyler: Was It fucking rando?
*Everyone starts laughing*
Tyler: MINE WERE TWO OF THE THREE ON THERE!
Ethan: This was a face off, why-
Mark: Ahh, fuck! *Everyone's laughing super hard*
Alright, thank you everybody so much for watching.
*Tyler laughing his way out of frame*
Mark: Hope you enjoyed this.
Let us know what you thought in the comments-
What the fuck?
Let us know how we did in the coments below.
Thanks, Ethan. Thanks, Tyler.
If you want to see more-
*Tyler's epic gasp for air*
*Tyler trying to breath as he's having a laugh attack*
Let us know.
And as always, we'll see you...
in the next video!
Buh-byeee!
Tyler and Ethan: Byee!