- But what I've been doing with audiences
is asking the ladies what's the best thing
about being a woman,
and the men, what's the best thing about being a man,
and then working out whether I'm more male or more female
depending on you guys tonight.
And obviously, it changes every night,
and it's fun for you,
but it's ever so slightly terrifying for me,
so let's get cracking on that.
I'm gonna write them down
'cause I've got such an awful memory.
Let's get some ladies shouting out.
What do we think's the best thing about-
- [Woman 1] Always being right.
- Oh, fuckin' hell.
(audience laughs)
Always being right.
Where are you, love?
Oh, there you are.
Always being right.
- [Woman 1] Yep.
- Wow.
Are you in a relationship at the minute?
(audience laughs)
No.
- Yes.
- You are?
- [Woman 1] Yeah.
- Is your partner with you tonight?
- [Woman 1] Yeah.
- Are you all right, love?
(audience laughs)
Yeah?
Always being right is a good answer.
And we need a couple more from the ladies.
Best thing about being a woman?
- [Woman 2] Free dinners.
- Free dinners?
(audience laughs)
Where are you?
- [Woman 2] Mate has to pay for them.
- Free dinners?
- [Woman 2] Yeah.
- Okay.
(audience laughs)
Who pays for the actual dinners?
- [Woman 2] He does.
- The fella?
- [Woman 2] Yeah.
- Okay.
(audience chuckles)
They're not really free, though,
are they, love?
(audience laughs and claps)
(Sarah chuckles)
Ah.
(audience laughs)
(Sarah laughs)
Oh, that pizza's worth it.
Ah.
(audience laughs)
(Sarah sighs)
Wow.
And one more for the ladies,
best thing about being a woman?
- [Woman 3] Nothing.
- Nothing?
- Aw. - Did you just
shout out nothing?
Nobody's ever said that before.
(audience laughs)
Why don't you like being a...
Are you, like, are you,
do you have a big operation soon, or?
(audience laughs)
I'm done, I've had enough.
I'm gonna get a cock.
(audience laughs)
Would you rather be a man?
- Maybe.
- But you're not really sure, so you're not...
Look, I'm just gonna put indecisive down for you.
(audience laughs)
Maybe that feller would buy you a dinner.
(audience laughs)
- Then I would change my mind.
- Then you would change your mind?
Wow, shallow as well.
(audience laughs)
Let's get some ladies shouting out.
What do you think the best thing is about being a woman?
- [Woman 4] Tits.
(audience laughs)
(audience claps)
(Sarah laughs)
- Hello, lady.
Tits.
(audience laughs)
How long have you had them?
(audience laughs)
Quite a while.
I got mine when I left school.
I mean that's when they grew,
I don't mean like, you've done quite well on your GCSEs.
Have some tits.
(audience laughs)
Tits is a good answer.
Thank you very much, lady.
And there was another lady shouted out, but I didn't...
Are you upstairs or downstairs?
The lady who shouted out something.
- [Woman 5] All right, love.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, hello, love.
- I just said that we're better at everything, that's all.
- We're better at everything.
- [Woman 6] Yes.
- I love that, one woman went, "Yeah,"
and the rest of you went, aw, fuck.
(audience laughs)
It's gonna kick off now.
Better at everything.
Everything?
Okay.
Do any of the fellas wanna shout out something
that they think they might be better than that lady at?
(audience laughs)
- [Man 1] Everything.
- [Man 2] Pissing through letterboxes.
(audience laughs)
- Pissing through letterboxes.
We've got Shewees, we can fucking do that now.
(audience laughs and claps)
Maybe you are right, lady, well done.
(audience laughs)
(Sarah laughs)
And we need one more from the ladies,
best thing about being a woman?
- [Woman 7] Being psychic.
- Being psychic.
(audience laughs)
Okay, are you trained?
(audience laughs)
No.
Are you in a relationship at the moment?
Yes.
Is this?
Oh, oh, hello, lovely lady.
Tell me, is your lovely lady psychic?
No, she's not, is she?
It's 'cause it's not real, is it?
(audience laughs and claps)
The reason she's not is 'cause it's not possible.
(audience laughs) (Sarah laughs)
What do you think I'm thinking now about you?
(audience laughs)
(audience claps)
That you've what?
- Got nice glasses.
(audience chuckles)
- Eh, well, okay.
(audience laughs)
Let's go with that,
make her feel better about herself.
(audience laughs)
(Sarah laughs)
That I've got nice glasses.
That's brilliant.
No, that's you're a loon, is what I was thinking,
but whatever. (audience laughs)
Okay, let's get some fellas.
Nice fella here.
You're quite young, how old are you?
- [Man 3] I'm 23.
- 23, what do you think's the best thing
about being a man, love?
- Saturday football.
Do you play football, or is it watching?
- Watching.
Is it gonna kick off if you say who you support?
Will it kick off?
- No, it should be all right.
- Are we ready?
Who do you support, love?
- I'm an Arsenal fan.
(audience boos)
(Sarah laughs)
- I've had this answer before,
and I said to this fella, he said, "Football,"
and I said, "Will it kick off?"
And he said, "Oh, I don't know,"
and it was really exciting,
and the whole room was dead tense,
and it was in Liverpool,
the sort of place where it might well divide opinion,
and he went, "Hull,"
and everybody in the room went, "Who?"
(audience laughs)
Watching football is a good answer,
thank you very much, love.
Let's get some more fellas.
The fella who shouted out about pissing through letterboxes,
is that your answer?
- [Man 2] Yeah, that's it, nothing else.
- Nothing else. (audience laughs)
The best thing about being a man, that's it, done.
(audience laughs)
Pissing through letterboxes.
(Sarah laughs)
I've got a Shewee now,
I'm definitely gonna have a go at that.
(audience laughs)
A bloke said the best thing
about being a man was peeing standing up,
and I said to him, "Oh, where the weirdest place
"you've had a wee?"
And I was doing this, and he went,
"Uh, in a water bottle on a stage once."
Oh, okay, let's put that back.
(audience laughs)
I'm very thirsty, it'll be champion.
So, thank you very much, fella.
Let's get some more fellas shouting out.
Best thing about being a bloke?
- [Man 4] Not being a woman.
- Is that you up there, fella?
Somebody say not being a, was it you, not being a woman?
What do you think would hurt about being a woman?
- [Man 5] Not being able to wee
at the side of the road.
- Not being able to wee at the side of the road.
(audience laughs)
Yes, you just take things that have been said before
and pass them off as your own, love.
(audience laughs)
What would you hate about being a woman?
- [Man 4] Not being right.
(audience groans) - Not being right.
It's gone from being quite a nice answer
to, like, a rally, hasn't it?
(audience laughs)
Bless him, she's, yeah,
she's just doing that I'm sorry face.
(audience laughs)
I'm sorry, I have this all the time.
He's a dick, I cannot help it.
(audience laughs)
Well done, lady, for putting up with that shite.
(audience laughs and claps)
You've taken him off the street
so we don't have to go out with him, well done.
(audience laughs)
We had another fella shout out,
but I didn't quite hear it.
- [Man 6] Orgasms.
- That's the best thing about being a man?
(Sarah chuckles)
One at a time.
(audience laughs)
(audience claps)
It's like, do you want that whole packet of biscuits?
I'm happy with one biscuit.
(audience laughs)
I'll come back to you in about half an hour,
and I'll try for another biscuit.
(audience laughs)
(Sarah laughs)
His wife's going ah, ah, ah.
It's fine, I can feed meself, love.
(audience laughs)
I've never made a parallel
between orgasms and biscuits, but I like it.
(audience laughs)
Thank you very much.
Let's get some fellas shouting out,
best thing about being a bloke.
- [Man 7] Not having a vagina.
- Not having a vagina.
(audience boos)
(Sarah laughs)
Think some of the men are disagreeing with you.
(audience laughs)
Which is quite an odd turn of events.
(audience laughs)
Not having a vagina.
I feel you're so against vaginas, sir,
I feel like, you know, somebody should rub one
in your face before the end of the show.
(audience laughs and claps)
It's not gonna be me, fuck off.
(audience laughs)
I've got knickers on that go up to me bra.
It would take too long.
(audience laughs)
(Sarah laughs)
When was the last time you saw one?
Like, on the way out?
Yeah.
Was it on the way out?
About 14?
- Yeah.
- That was when you were born?
No. (audience laughs)
That was when you last looked at one?
Okay.
- I have seen them on TV.
- You've seen them on TV.
(audience laughs)
As far as I'm aware,
you have to sort of seek them out on telly, don't you?
(audience laughs)
I don't think it just pops up
in the middle of, like, "Crimewatch."
(audience laughs)
Maybe it does.
You've seen them on TV.
And is it a reaction much like whenever I do a joke
about vaginas, and you do that, aw,
is it the same then?
Do the noise that you do whenever you see a cock.
(audience laughs) What was that?
There's no noise, he just,
he got so excited, no noise came out.
(Sarah gasps)
It was almost an intake of breath, wasn't it?
Rather than a noise, like a (gasps) like that,
like when I see a big cake and nobody around.
(audience laughs)
Not having a vagina.
Thank you very much.
Let's get two more fellas shouting out,
best thing about being a bloke.
- [Man 8] Reverse parking.
- Who said that?
(audience groans)
(audience claps)
There's, like, three men clapping.
Reverse parking.
Let's test him.
Shall we test him?
There's a lady at the front,
yes, test him.
(audience laughs)
Reverse parking.
How long you been driving, love?
- [Man 8] About 30 years.
- 30 years.
It was easier then, though, wasn't it?
It was, like, horses, and carts, and that.
(audience laughs)
(audience claps)
(Sarah laughs)
Let's test him.
Can you reverse, like, in first time?
- [Man 8] Mostly, yes.
- Mostly, oh, at least he's honest, mostly.
And can you...
Let's have a think, what else?
Can you reverse round a corner?
- [Man 8] Yes.
- Fuck.
(audience laughs)
Have you got any points on your licence?
- [Man 8] No.
- [Woman 8] Yes.
- Oh. (audience cheers)
(audience claps)
(Sarah laughs)
Relationships stand for fuck all
when it's men against women, have you noticed?
Yes, he has.
(audience laughs)
Officially my favourite answer now.
(audience laughs)
What did you say, love?
- Three points for speeding
while rushing to help an old lady.
(audience laughs) (people groan)
- While you were rushing to help the old lady?
You could've killed her friend.
(audience laughs)
That would've been funny.
Well.
In hindsight.
Maybe just not at the time.
Thank you very much for your answer.
Best thing about being a bloke?
- [Man 9] No period.
- No periods.
(people groans)
Oh.
Well, the women all hate you.
(audience laughs)
That's a good answer, thank you.
Let's get some more fellas shouting out.
Best thing about being a bloke?
- [Man 10] Having a beard.
- Having a beard.
- Is that laziness, or do you like the way it looks?
- Feels.
- Feels?
Do you just sit at home, and just, ah.
(audience laughs)
Ah.
Okay, I do this when I'm driving.
It's, you know, people pick their nose
when they're at traffic lights.
I do what I call feeling for beard.
So, I do that.
(audience laughs)
Fuck, I've got one, I've got one, fuck.
(audience laughs)
Let's get some more fellas shouting out.
Best thing about being a bloke?
- [Man 11] Grindr.
- Grindr?
(person claps)
Oh, there was one clap.
You might've found a mate.
(audience laughs)
Do you wanna explain to those who don't know what Grindr is?
- [Man 11] No.
(audience laughs) (Sarah laughs)
- Is that an app?
- [Man 11] Yes.
- Where you can find a gay man, is that right?
- [man 11] Yes.
- Excellent, okay.
It's good that there was one other clap, though, wasn't it?
(audience laughs)
Feel like you might've found somebody tonight.
(audience laughs)
But chances are, you probably already knew where he was,
and had sussed him out,
and decided you didn't fuckin' like him.
(audience laughs)
We've got more for the blokes.
We need another one from the ladies.
Best thing about being a woman?
- Multiple orgasms.
(audience claps) (Sarah laughs)
There's a small pocket of women are clapping,
and some of the men are going, what?
(audience laughs)
Do you mean, like, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday?
(audience laughs)
January, February, March?
(audience laughs)
2009, 2010.
(audience laughs)
Multiple orgasms.
Oh, you don't.
Now, let's work out whether I'm more male or more female.
Always being right, I don't think that applies to me.
Free dinners, fuck no, I've got self-respect.
(audience laughs)
(audience claps)
(Sarah chuckles)
Tits, I'm with you all the way, love,
so I'm gonna tick tits.
Sounds good, I like that, tick tits.
(audience laughs)
I don't think we're better at everything.
Not having a vagina, well, I do,
so I can't tick that one,
and reverse parking.
Sometimes, I get it in first time,
and I'm genuinely surprised when that happens.
Nobody more surprised than me.
I just pull in and go, ooh, it worked.
(audience laughs)
So I can't tick that one,
and I can't tick no periods.
I clearly can't...
I don't mean clearly, oh.
(audience laughs)
I mean, I have periods, but it's not...
Is it?
No.
(audience laughs)
If I walk ahead,
will you check the back of me skirt?
(audience laughs)
(Sarah chuckles)
And yeah, multiple orgasms.
Tick.
I can now piss through a letterbox, awesome.
Watching football, I'm not really interested in football,
so that doesn't apply to me,
and Grindr wouldn't really help me an awful lot,
I don't think.
A beard, I'm gonna tick that as well.
It's like a part-time job,
keeping on top of mine.
(audience laughs)
You're laughing, but it's me life.
(audience laughs)
So I am, one, two parts woman,
and, oh no, two parts man.
(audience laughs)
I feel like I should show you at least a bollock.
(audience laughs)
I'll tell you my favourite answers.
My favourite girl answer,
she wasn't even a woman, she was a girl, she was 16,
and she said, "The best thing about being a woman,"
she said, "we can look at boobs whenever we like."
It was a good answer.
Which, she said, "Well, you know,
"men have to earn the right
"to look at your boobs."
I thought she seemed awfully young
to know about such things.
I said, "Give us an example
"of something a man would have to do
"to earn the right to look at your boobs,"
and she quite simply said,
"They have to be nice."
- [Audience] Aw.
- And it was a lovely moment,
but loads of the women in the room went,
oh my god, she's right.
(audience laughs)
We've been showing our boobs to bad men for years.
(audience laughs)
My favourite male answer is, a man said,
"The best thing about being a man is dickin' things."
(audience laughs)
And I'd had this explained to me, I didn't know what it was.
Dickin' things is the act of hittin' things with your dick.
(audience laughs)
Two days after I met him,
(Sarah laughs)
(audience laughs)
I met a lovely lady, and she said,
"Do you remember the man who said dickin' things?"
And I said, "Yes."
She said, "Well, he's my fiance."
(audience laughs)
Said, "Did you know about the dickin' things?"
"No."
(audience laughs)
She said she'd have to go over all the surfaces
with a flash wipe.
(audience laughs)
(audience claps)
Hello, it's Sarah Millican here.
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or those dishes can wait a bit longer.