What's the first thing you do? If you really
want to save your marriage? Is there a formula?
Is there a process? Can you find a pattern that
if a person wants to save a marriage that that
can be followed and really can work? Absolutely.
I'm Dr. Joe beam with MH International, you may
know us as marriage helper. I'm here with
Kimberly Holmes, our CEO, and Kimberly, it makes
sound ridiculous. But the first thing to do
actually has to do just what what's inside your
own head? Would you agree or disagree?
Yes, that's right. It is not necessarily the
first step to take to saving your marriage, it's
a decision you need to make before you even get
to taking the first step to saving your
marriage. Much like if someone's trying to lose
weight. First, they need to make the decision to
do it and commit to it and understand everything
they're committing to before actually taking the
first step. Otherwise, it may not be a fruitful
endeavor that they enter into, because they
waver back and forth, they don't actually do the
things that they need to do. And so they don't
get the results that they wish to seek if you
don't make the decision and commit to it on the
front end.
Well, since we're talking about losing weight as
an example, I figure that over the lifetime that
I have lived, I've lost somewhere nearly a
million pounds.
Guinness Book of World Records right there,
but in the process, and the process always wound
up giving up because something's not working
exactly the way I think it was going to work.
And so I thought I'd be fuller, but I'm wanting
it being hungry all the time, where I felt the
weight would drop faster. And that's not
happening. Or, as you know, my wife, your mother
has made another cake. But it's a healthy cake.
Oh.
Last week, she called me and said, I'm making
your data pie. And I said he's trying to lose
weight. And she said, No, it's strawberry
rhubarb, it doesn't really count. It's still a
five. You can't do this. But yes, it's just like
that. But also in that when people with weight
loss as an example, they tend to start maybe
with one plan. But then because they're not
getting the results, they add in things from
other plans. And then they end up not knowing
quite what to do next, they've muddied the
waters. And then they just give up altogether.
All of that is true in what we're talking about
and saving a marriage as well. We have a process
that we teach, and that we follow, which we'll
uncover in a future episode. But that process
when you follow it, we know it works. But if you
start adding other people stuff into it that you
hear and think, Well, I'll just also add in this
thing of no contact, and also add in these six
text messages that are supposed to bring them
back, it muddies the waters where you're not
gonna get any results,
right. So we say, if you believe that you want
to stand for your marriage, that you want to do
what it takes to somehow put it back together,
you have to make a decision, but not just out
off the cuff like, Okay, I want to save this
marriage, it needs to be a well thought out
decision. Because we can guarantee you, it's not
going to be an easy task. It's not something you
just make happen immediately, and you take a
pill and the next day you wake up and
everything's fine. It will be a process. And in
that process, there are going to be
frustrations, because sometimes you will fail
you use the process and you'll get angry
yourself like why did that do that that was not
the smart thing to do. Or you'll get frustrated
with your spouse because of the fact that you'll
see him or take three steps forward. And then
two steps back and one to the left. And you'll
be going Good grief, I thought we were getting
somewhere now it's going the other way. And
because it will be that frustrating at times,
because it's never going to be this perfect,
easy highway, you're going to just cruise down,
then you really need to think this decision
through. Because it needs to be a decision based
on logic and emotion. And if you're a spiritual
person, even based on your own spirituality, so
that when it doesn't go exactly like you think
it will or when it gets frustrating that you
don't just give up and other words, a decision
that you commit to. So Kimberly, before we
talked about how to make that decision. Let's
talk a little bit more about some of the
conflicts or some of the things that can
actually throw a person off the path once they
get started.
After they make the decision or before they're
as they're trying to make the decision
no less than you've already made a decision. And
so then we shared with them the seven steps.
Okay. But as they get into that, what kind of
things can disarray?
Yeah, yeah. So one of the things is going to be
opinions of other people. So opinions of family
and friends opinions of other people they may be
listening to on the internet that get them
confused. So one of the things that we see and
hear often is, well, my parents said I should
just kick him to the curb or my best friend said
that I shouldn't live with something like this
and I could be happier doing something else or
sometimes it's To the therapist or counselor or
a pastor that says, you know, maybe biblically
you have grounds for divorce. So maybe that's
the path that you should take. So there's going
to be a lot of opinions from other people that
might muddy your commitment to taking the path
of saving the marriage as one of the examples of
what they might run into. They're
gonna be good people. You know, we are friends
with the people from Duck Dynasty, Robertson's
and when Alan's wife and this is all public
knowledge, we're not sharing any secret behind
the scenes things here. When she was unfaithful
to him several years ago, Phil, Phil is Alan's
dead. And a really good man. No, he's kind of a
harsh man sometimes, although he's a very loving
man at the same time, but he can be kind of
black and white, this is what needs to happen.
And Phil was the one telling him, well, she has
been unfaithful to you, you need to divorce her,
just get it over with and move on. And feels a
good man, and actually a very loving man. But it
was not the right advice. Yeah. And Alan was
able to work it out with his beautiful bride
they're doing so well today, and helping a lot
of other marriages. And so there will be people
that you would think would be on your side, or
you hope they'll be on your side, who will
actually be trying to talk you out? I'm trying
to say this marriage. So that's one reason. And
then what kind of frustrations I mentioned,
alluded to it just a little bit about three
steps forward, two steps back. Can you think of
an example that goes with that?
Oh, yeah, absolutely. So the reaction that you
get back from your spouse, if your spouse and
again, this can differ and will differ based on
a person's situation, if your spouse has moved
out, for example, then you might be wanting to
move back in as soon as possible. And if that
doesn't happen quickly, you could get off track,
or if they aren't responding to your emails, or
calls or text messages talking to you as much as
you wish, then that could derail you. Or if
you're still living in the same house, but your
spouse isn't making moves back towards you,
whatever in your mind you have is that
expectation, then all of those things are really
based on is my spouse reacting to me the way
that I'm expecting them to as quickly as I want
them to, they're not going to do it as quickly
as you want them to go ahead and tell you that,
but you the expectations that you have set of
their reaction also may not be realistic, based
on the situation that's happened in your
marriage.
And even then, inside of you, and there's going
to be some vacillation, that gives him some
days, you're gonna be very strong, I'm going to
do everything it takes, we're gonna make it
we're gonna get there. And then some days,
you're gonna be thinking, Why in the world, am I
doing this? It's hurts. I've been rejected. I've
been abandoned, perhaps whatever it might be.
And there'll be times, I was just reading a, one
of our, I guess what was one of our newsletters,
I was glancing at, where somebody had written us
saying, that very thing that sometimes I just
get so discouraged thinking, why am I doing
this, and then I go back, he's part of our
membership. And I go back and listen to some of
the things in the membership section, and get
renewed all over again. So you can get
physically exhausted, you can get mentally,
emotionally exhausted, you can get spiritually
exhausted. So Kimberly, now that we've tried to
talk them out of it, why, why should a person
make that decision?
Well, I don't know that we've tried to talk them
out as much as giving you the reality of what
you're going to face so that you can be better
prepared to handle it when it comes. Right.
That's the thing. We are anxiety spikes, when we
don't know what to expect, when we can plan for
what to expect and prepare for it, we tend to be
able to handle it better. So then, why why face
all of those things do all of it? Well, we
believe it marriage helper, it's because every
marriage deserves the chance to be saved. And
because for you personally, fighting for your
marriage, and doing all of these things that we
teach in this seven step process, which we'll
outline in the next episode of relationship
radio, but when you do those things, you become
a stronger person, you give your marriage the
absolute best shot of actually being reconciled
and better than it was before you set your
children up for success. I mean, there's so many
areas of your life that your marriage and the
strength of it touches that it is incredibly
important. If you are willing to do the work, it
is incredibly important to do everything you can
to try and save the marriage, not just for you
and your spouse, although that's clearly a
benefit, but literally for generations to come
and your legacy, it will have an impact.
And so how often will tell people before this
particular thing happened, the situation that
you're in right now, did you perceive your
spouse as being a good person or a bad person?
Because good people can do some really crappy
stuff. And it really can. And if you think your
spouse is a good person, but right now doing
something that's not good. If he or she really
is a good person, then that good person is worth
rescuing. Now, when I asked that question,
sometimes it's your spouse or good person doing
a bad thing or a bad person doing a bad thing.
People will say I don't know right now, okay,
then don't try to judge it based on what they're
doing right now. base it on the judgment you
have of who they were before this particular
things started happening. And if that good
person is in there, then I would suggest you
even write some things down. This is the good
that I have seen in my spouse, this is who he or
she really is. So it's gonna matter what you
believe about them. And then what you met what
believe about your own beliefs and values about
what's the right thing to do. Because every one
of us, everybody has a story, at least one as
matter of fact, probably a bunch of stories
about how we, on occasion, even our emotions,
were telling us to do something differently. We
did what we believe to be the right thing. And
and ultimately, what happened is that great good
came from the fact that we did the right thing.
But again, it was when we wanted to do something
differently. And so look at your beliefs and
values and say, What did they tell me I should
do? Should I fight for this? Should I try to
salvage this. And if you consider marriage to be
something that's special, unique, if you made a
vow somewhere along the line that you'll be
together until you both shall, as long as you
live, those kinds of things. So you're looking
at the other person, but you're also looking
inside of you. And Kimberly, before we wrap this
up, let's talk a little bit more about the
legacy that you mentioned, which people be
thinking about when it comes to legacy. Now, we
don't want to give the impression that if your
marriage doesn't come back to get or that your
legacy is doomed. So what we're trying to say at
all, what we're trying to say is this, what kind
of better legacy, more what you really want to
occur can happen. If indeed, you can do the
things that will lead your spouse to come back,
that will lead your spouse to put this marriage
back together make a good marriage again. So
talk a little bit about that place.
Yeah, these are some of my favorite stories that
we see of clients where there's, they ended up
separating, sometimes even divorcing, and then
they have kids involved in it. And one of the
most touching stories that I know of a previous
client, their their names are Jordan and
Priscilla, and they had four kids, five kids,
one of those to a lot of kids, a gaggle of
children. When Priscilla fell in love with
someone else, and ended up leaving, not just her
husband, but left her children, which is very
unusual for a woman, but she was that much in
love with someone else. And her children would
especially hurt her son during that time would
be the one praying, please bring my parents back
together. But ultimately, she and her husband
divorced, she ended up getting pregnant with the
other man's child. And to Jordan, her husband,
who was the standing spouse, the one wanting to
save his marriage, was trying to do all of the
right things. But at that point, he didn't know
what else to do. So he continued to be a dad, he
continued to, to be there for Priscilla in the
way that it would be, you know, once you're
divorced, but, but when she found out she was
pregnant, she gave Jordan a call. And she said,
I just wanted you to know. So you didn't hear it
from someone else. I'm pregnant. And he didn't
know what to say. So he said, Congratulations,
which is probably not what he was feeling.
Not at all. But he was feeling that he had
learned the marriage helper material. And she
said, Do you want to hear the facts? Or do you
want to hear my heart because at this point,
Priscilla had realized all these decisions she
had made did not lead to the life that she
thought she was going to have. And she regretted
making these decisions. And so Jordan said, I
want to hear your heart. And that was the
beginning of them not only reconciling, but
remarrying. And when their baby girl was born, I
believe this is the sixth child, when the sixth
child was born, it was Jordans name going on the
birth certificate. Here's what's amazing, more
amazing about that story. It's amazing as it is,
but her children to this day, as teenagers will
go to school or talk to their friends at school
and say, my parents were divorced and now
remarried. Look at the amazing thing that
happened. So those kids when they get married,
how do you think they're gonna handle
relationship issues, they saw their parents work
through it and make it work. They're going to
have stronger marriages, they're going to endure
the harder times because they saw two people who
taught them how to do that. And Jordan and
Priscilla is a is an amazing story that shows
that but it's just one example of 1000s of
stories that we've seen at marriage helper,
where that's the exact thing that happens. So
that's how it can leave a legacy change for your
future. But also, like you said before, you
know, for the people who say, but I did do all
the right things. And we still divorced and they
ended up with someone else. And here's what I
would want to say to those people because you
did the process, because you did the right
things. Your kids saw that. And they can take
that into their future relationships as well.
Absolutely. And so When you think about the
future, it's not just your future.
Interestingly, it's not just the future of your
children, even of your grandchildren, the legacy
that you leave the examples you leave. So for
example, if you know anything about our story, I
was not divorced. I divorced Dallas back many
years ago, we were able to put it back together,
we have children, including Kimberly, Kimberly,
as a child of the second marriage. When Alice
now remarried each other we wanted another child
and Kimberly is that child. And so I'm thinking
if the world stands another 100 years, and it
may stand a lot longer than that, if it just
adds another 100 years, that because of Alice's
standing for her marriage, and us putting that
back together, there'll be people still being
affected 100 years from now. And what a
wonderful legacy to leave. No, doesn't make me
perfect doesn't make me a hero doesn't make my
wife a hero really does. But it's like, don't
just think about now. Don't just think about
your children and grandchildren, you can have an
impact on the world all the way down the line.
And so we recommend that you Stan, Kimberly
referred to these seven steps. People might be
scratching their head saying, wait a minute,
we've heard about your four steps of the love
path. Now you're mentioning seven. So why don't
we start talking about those in the next
podcast? I'm relationship radio.
Yes, let's do it. They're brand new hot off the
press, releasing them here to the public for the
first time
next week. So we'll start with that with the
very next episode. We'll see you then on
relationship Radio.