Oh, hello there. I didn't see you come in.
My name is Ryan Higa.
Also known as "Ryan", but you can call me "Ryan Higa" for short.
And I'm a professional badass.
[EXPLOSION]
For years, I used to be that guy.
That guy that people made fun of
for not being cool enough and not taking any chances.
For my poor Rick Grimes from "Walking Dead" impression of Carl!
So I created this program to help you
to help y'all weak, sensitive, not badass people to become badass people.
So that from this day forward,
whether you got 10, 20, 100 feelings inside of you,
none of the them will ever get broke again--
Double Negative
RYAN: Oh no, wait. That's step one.
In order for others to believe you're a badass,
you have to first believe you're a badass.
So let me ask yourself this:
[SPEAKS FAST] Do you ever feel like I don't not not look like a badass even though you never not should not feel not you do not look like badass-like?
Exactly. The answer is...
Backwards:
Now, take a good look at yourself right now.
If I were to hold up a mirror you all right now,
you'd know what you see?
...cheap tripod from Walmart holding up a camera!
But if that camera were to take a picture of you right now,
and if you were to upload that picture to iPhoto
or some other picture editing program using an USB,
Would you really say that this is you? This is what a badass looks like? No!
Because you are a person! Not a picture on a piece of paper!
You're a man! Even for all you women out there, you're a MAN!
To recap:
And let's move on.
Right now, you're a little [BLEEP].
And as much as I hate saying the B-word, I'm gonna use it for emphasis.
Y'all a bunch of...
If you wanna be a real badass,
you can't be no banana double negative...
You ever feel pain, you must never show it again.
Real badasses never cry, even in the most painful situations imaginable.
For example, you walked into your brother's room
causing you to step on a Lego and now you're trapped.
All you have to do is use the Figure-8 manuever and figure it out!
You accidentally poored in all your milk first
and realized you ain't got no cereal left.
It's no big deal!
If you get hit by a car...
That's right. Stand up. Brush yourself off.
Limp to the nearest electronic store
and get "Up"! Just because you can.
Last but not least, people keep telling you your puns are not funny
and yet you see your puns all over Facebook and 9-Gag and over websites, without even giving you credit.
So what do you do?
You create a pun that's so ridiculously stupid,
that they're's no way that someone else could take credit for it.
How do you ask? Just by making mints.
...and boom! Next time someone tries to steal your bad puns,
Just show 'em what you made.
So again, to recap:
And let's move on.
Ain't nobody got time for step three!
Step two took too long.
At some point at every badass's life,
He/she needed to become a man quicky by having a...
Mowri.
All you need to do is do a bunch of manly things
and slowly get better at it until you become the manliest of mans.
All while being accompanied by some hardcore, inspiring song.
Because today, I'm going to be making a man out of you.
That's right, our hardcore inspiring song comes from none other than the movie:
♪ Somehow I cannot hide ♪
♪ Who I am, though I try ♪
♪ When will my reflection show ♪
♪ Who I am, inside? ♪
♪ When will my reflection show ♪
♪ Who I am, inside? ♪
That's better.
-Um, Ryan? -What?
You just sang a Disney song.
[GASPS]
A true badass lives their life however they want.
Hey, make sure you throw that as soon as you light it,
'cause that fuse burns pretty fast.
[FUSE BURNING]
[CAR BEEPS]
[LAUGHS]
[CHUCKLES] Yeeeeah.
That's not a joke. There's nothing badass about drinking and driving.
Don't do it!
And always recycle.
Most importantly:
Espacially not the explosion of one's mind.
[CHUCKLES] Yeeeeeah.
Now beat that!
That wasn't more badass than touching the magical green ball!
You didn't even put your whole hand on it, so yes it was.
Fine! Watch me... drink and drive then.
You're not even old enough to drive!
Yeah, but my future self is!
[FUSE BURNING]
[CAR BEEPS]
What the...
Oh, sh--
No, I'm not gonna do that! Where'd you get that anyway?
Give me that.
-C'mon future me! Please? -Read the sign.
-That's weird. -That's not a joke.
There's nothing badass about drinking and driving. Don't do it!
Now get in, and put these on.
Thank God that was a dud. Could've blown my finger off.
Oh yeah, and always recycle.
[LOUD EXPLOSION]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
Click here to watch my full Mulan cover, "Reflection"!